DH has recently found out some things about his parents and doesn't know what to do.

[april74]

just need a bit of advice really as I can usually help DH out as we are close, but on this I feel totally useless.

DH recently found out a few things about his parents, which have made a lot of things from the past fit into place and realised his parents were not who he thought they were, he had been quite distant from his sister because he always stuck up for them against her, now he realised she was right all along, they have always had contact and had a good chat yesterday and cleared the air/built some bridges etc etc, the trouble is DH has been knocked for 6 by this and the past 3 weeks he has been really down, which is totally unlike him. They live abroad so he only has to see them once a year when they come over, we used to go visit them once a year for a week but things happened then which made us realise we dont want to go back.

his parents are not awful people, just probably shouldn't have had kids as they are selfish and tried to carry on like they didn't have kids, it turns out they told quite a few lies about people and why they were not in contact anymore, people that was close to my Dh as he was growing up.

I have given him a book so he can right down his feelings, but he is unsure wether to speak to his parents about it, his dad is so unapproachable and prickly, and his mum would easily twist things to make it not her fault, but if he doesn't talk to them he might not be able to get past it.

Advice would be appreicated

Think writing down his feelings is a good place to start. Maybe he should write them a letter, saying everything he wants to say, to get it out of his system. Then burn the damn letter - puts the thing to rest without causing more damage.

If he wants to confront his parents, that's another thing. But he probably won't get an apology or admission of guilt out of them - people generally don't like it when suddenly faced with something they've been covering up for years.

Good that he's got his sister though.

Good advice from Edam there, he needs time to get used to the new feelings and learn to feel justified/not guilty about it. Don't try and make him talk to you about it but make time and listen when he does, men like to deal with things by themselves, they don't always benefit from sharing like women do. Give him some DIY or jobs to do by himself so he can think/not think and feel those little achievements. All you can do is be strong and loving and remind him that he does a good job within his own little family and that the past isn't as important as the present and future.

Bucketsofdinosaurs and edam have given fab advice here ....
I don't want to generalise here but men react very differently to us when they are faced with emotional stuff don't they?
I am a 'wear my heart on my sleeve' and 'have a good cry' and 'go to counselling' type when I have had problems in the past but my DH (and possibly other guys) just isn't like that.
I don't know what the background is with your PILs, april74, but when DH had a shock relating to his parents he was down for a good few months. He didn't want to talk about it - he had a cry on the first day but didn't want to appear weak (the way he was brought up). The only thing I could do was show him how much I loved him and that I was there for him - he didn't open up much but I know it helped that I was there, no matter what. He got on with 'doing stuff' like Buckets of dinosaurs suggests ... for some reason, DIY projects and jobs that he was 'needed' for really helped him (unlike long chats, soppy movies and chocolate for me ).
The best way you can help him is work out what HE needs to do to feel better about this rather than what YOU think you need to do or what he needs to do IYSWIM?

Thanks for the great advice.

Dh is a lot better today, he had an hour to himself and wrote in his book a letter to his parents (although he probably wont ever send it), he read it out to me last night and we talked about it for a few hours. I am quite lucky with Dh as he will actually talk a lot about his feeling (when he is ready though).

Thanks again.