Sometimes I just don't know why I bother.....

[calebsmummy]

....sorry, this will end up as a rant, but it'll help me rationalise things in my head.

Right brief outline - Married to DH, have 3 boys, he works away pretty much all week, every week, works hard and I appreciate that. Family live about hours away, so I don't ever get any time alone, not even at weekends when Dh is at home.

Now this week, he has been away since Monday. We are going on holiday (with his family) on saturday and our 19 month old has been ill since Tuesday. So I am packing, cleaning, washing, sorting and caring for ill child + 2 more, barely getting any sleep and he knows this. But I get a text this morning saying that he has had a huge tax bill and my account was overdrawn (not by much, a few pounds)No how are you? How is D? Are you coping ok? Good Morning? Nothing.

He actually hasn't added me to what should be our joint account because he hasn't had time to do it I actually don't spend a lot of money. Yes, I do the shopping and sometimes I even put petrol in the car. I buy the birthday presents and childrens clothes, but only when neccesary. I rarely buy anything for myself and feel gulity if I do. We are not badly off at all, he earns a good wage. We do have a larger mortgage since we moved, but like I say he does earn a good wage so it's not that bad.

Maybe I shouldn't have, but I opened his wage slip earlier and yes his tax bill was high, but he has been given a huge bonus this month which much more than covers it. So why is he telling me we are 'skint' (as he puts it)?

I guess the main thing is that he seems to want to control my life even though he isn't here most of the time and I am getting sick of it. If I ever try to talk about it, I am blowing it out of proportion and being ungrateful. Tell me, why does he get to see everything I spend, but I can't see what he does? Why don't I have access to the balance of the mortgage account (it's a mortgage and current account in one)?

I try so hard to make sure our boys are well cared for, they are the most important people ever, but he makes me feel like I am just here as the hired help who should just do her job and shut up.

I am making him sound like an ogre, when he really isn't, but he is making me feel so down about this and it makes me want to just run away with the boys and not have to answer to him at all.

Sorry I am just a bit peed off at the moment. feeling a little undervalued (can you tell )and actually (sad to say)crying whilst posting this. I am exhausted, but can't say that to him because I would be moaning.

Had enough!

Didn't rationalise it at all

It does sound rather like he is being a bit controlling over money.

Also what exactly should you be feeling grateful for? I really don't like that word when it comes to realtionships.

At the next opportunity, get all the bits together necesaary for a joint account and march him down to the bank. Unless he has a real big problem re this, he hasn't got a good argument.for not setting up a joint account

As for you moaning - you are notmoaning these are things that affect you. You are not a robot. Bloody men- they haven't got a clue.

Perhaps you should have a nice dinner together and tell him how you feel?

@ you crying too

calebsmummy
why dont you make a list of all the jobs you do and find out how much you would get if you were paid for them
hand this to your dh and tell him you are now looking for work as you feel undervalued and unable to contribute to the marriage financially whilst receiving no benefits re new clothes etc etc

or go on a spending spree and hand him the bill

or go on strike when he is home and leave him to the housework and kids and just go out and meet a friend etc

start being more assertive and have some more confidence in yourself too
and boot his backside into gear
good luck
xxx

Ooooh noooo, people being nice to me makes me cry more

I feel like such a bitch moaning about him because honestly he really is such a nice guy, but he has become quite controlling and I can't handle that. I have tried so hard to explain how this makes me feel, and I totally expect to be at home with the boys, but why doesn't he appreciate that too? I don't have any other choice. 2 of them are preschool age and so working during the week wouldn't be an option. Have considered working weekends though just so he can see exactly how easy it is being sole carer -NOT!!

He has actually just called and did ask how D was, but also to tell me he was off canoeing! apparently it's better than going out for dinner! Umm is it? I wouldn't know I shall go now before I get too annoyed.

The way it works in our house, is all bills, presents, food shop and housey stuff gets paid for form our joint account. I also havem y own account, for my own thing, dh says then I have a limit to how many shoes I buy.

Get your name on the joint account, you can go in get the forms and get dh to sign them and then hand them in yourself if your husband is too busy.

Pay for housey things from your joint account.....

And I quite like the idea of handing him the going rate for a cook cleaner, nanny, and ermmm you might want to look up other services too!!! He's lucky you are willing to do everything for him.

Aww CM!!!!!

He really isn't listening to you is he?

Why don't you try throwing a sicky one weekend, so that he has no choice to look after the kids ALL weekend. I think they get so wrapped up in themselves, yes they work hard every day etc that they see us as having the 'easy' option. As bloody if!!!

I don't really have any advice and I can relate to bits of what you are saying.

But the thing is he MUST change his attitude or you will end up resenting him a lot.

Have you told him his attitude has resulted in you crying in the middle of the day?

Do you know, I could accept it if i was one of those women who did spend money all of the time, but I don't!! i do make sure the children have enough food in the fridge and decent clothes to wear and I know thats a result form my childhood and never having anything nice. i want my children to be comfortable and we can afford for them to be, but I really don't spend much at all!!

I do resent this controlling behaviour and it has only been since we relocated to Hampshire from London a year ago. At the beginning I was ok with it as it was a temporary thing, but a year on isn't temporary!

i do like the idea of presenting him with a bill for all the stuff I do though Oooh and if I went on strike one weekend, i'd have twice as much to do on a Monday...not good!

Fuzzy - Thankyou!! You have just made me chuckle....other services and what might those be - LOL!! Mind you, far too exhausted to even consider other services and kinda feel he has to understand that and work a bit harder at being more understanding at the moment.

And can I just add, I REALLY DON'T WANT TO GO ON HOLIDAY FOR WHOLE WEEK WITH HIM, HIS MUM, SISTER AND 2 VERY NAUGHTY NEPHEWS!!!!!!

I really feel that if they get too much (DH included) I will put the boys in the car and come home!!!

I feel like I can't say too much on holiday as this is a holiday for them to kind of 'be together' as my FIL committed suicide last year and my MIL arranged this holiday not long after. This year has not been easy by any means!

I loved his dad to pieces, so I don't mean to be disrespectful when saying that DH is actually being so much like him now. The wanting everything to be done his way bit from the children to the house organisation and what we eat, buy etc. He isn't here most of the time and i feel that because of that the way things are done here should be the way i find they work. Not to say that he shouldn't have an input, but all he seems to want to do when he is home is change things that were working perfectly well anyway.

Sorry, I'm having a real moan today

How are you CM?

Hi CM - just wanted to add my voice to the 'you're not being unreasonable' chorus!

If you didn't have kids you'd be out working right? Therefore you have given up your career and independence to look after your children (when I say yourI mean him and you, not just you). Therefore in my mind - HE should be grateful to YOU! Me and DH started to disagree about money a bit shortly after we had DS but I put my foot down and pointed out that if he would like to give up work and be a sahd I would be very happy for him todo so but that while he was working and I was at home any income he had was OURS not HIS. I insist on knowing exactly what he earns and we have worked out our finances so that we each get the same amount of 'personal spending' money each month - that way when he's constatly overdrawn it doesn't affect me/DS's as our joint account always gets the right amount in each month.

SLightly inyour DH's defence though (not condining at all) - he had a big trauma last year. Psychologically when things happen that are beyond our control, like his dad commiting suicide, we tend to oversompensate in areas we can control. Perhaps that's what he'sdone a bit to you and it's become normal. Work on making it 'not normal' and maybe write down a list for him of all the reasons you should be appreciated for and why he should be grateful - plenty of ideas on this thread for you.

I also think you need to be able to see, even if not controling, any of his accounts that impact upon you, especially accounts realating to your mortgage as that directly affects you and your children's security.

(BTW if the canoeing cost money then I think that was out of order if he'd been whinging to you earlier in the day.)

Sorry if I sound as though ranting, just annoys me that men don't appreciate all the hard work sahm's do.

Hmmm I can identify with bits of this. DH worked away for 5 years, only coming home Friday night till Sunday night. I used to get very resentful if I phoned him in the week only to find him out every evening, living the life of a singleton.... gym, pub, etc, while I was stuck at home with 2 small children. He did nowt but shout at the kids when he came home some weekends too. It all came to head when I had a hissy fit one saturday morning and told him I didn't know why he bothered coming home if he was only going to shout at us and whinge about how much money I'd spent... which wasn't much coz I couldn't go out with two kids in tow and family (babysitters) miles away.

Ohh am getting all ranty myself now. I'd better shut up.

What I meant to say was - tell him how you feel, even if it means one massive row with screaming and tears. I found it cleared the air and we got on loads better afterwards.

relationships are about sharing
why keep money a secret
why is it your bank thats overdrawn?

Hmm, things have sort of overtaken how I felt yesterday. I now have 2 more ill children and DH is unreachable on his mobile i know he is travelling back today, but not until this afternoon, so he should have it switched on especially knowing DS3 has been ill!!

Anyway, obviously I totally agree with all you have said, especially liquidclocks. He did have a major trauma last year (as did all of us) and I do feel he could be like this because he wants to protect our future. he has changed a lot since FIL passed away (understandably so) but I feel he needs to include me in the financial side of our relationship. I know all he wants is for our family to happy and healthy and finacially secure and there is nothing wrong with that, I just want him to discuss it properly with me and really not through text messages!!

The canoeing BTW was a freebie thing, so can't moan at him for that, but he does have a martial arts hobby which he spends money on and he goes to the pub most Fridays, so he spends far more money than me socially

I think we have just gone off track a bit with our relationship. Our bereavement last year, moving house and having small children added to him working away a lot hasn't made for the best relationship conditions I guess.

Things could be worse, it could be peeing down, my house could stink of sick and my washing line could have fallen over Darn it's a yes to all 3 of those!!!

CM - so sorry you've had such a crappy day. Soundslike you really need to have it out with the man and get how you feel off your chest.

Then, when you've done that retreat into the corner of whichever room you keep your computer in and spend the whole weekend absorbed in mumsnet while he has to entertain the kids (and clear up the vomit!)

I realise this isn't exactly constructive but hey, might make you feel better

he hasn't had time to add you to his bank account?

darling, i would hide his card until he does. that reordering one and waiting for 2 - 3 weeks is a pain. maybe he should make the time

maybe you should make him

sounds to me like hes got it a bit cushty. and your a good ol wifey wifey

Oh Calebsmummy - you are having an awful week tbh in your shoes I wouldn't even comtemplate taking the kids away if they are still unwell, and Hey, who knows, you may also come down with the bug (I hope not! But what if??) Then dh would spend the time at home looking after a sick dw and recovering kids

((((((calebsmummy)))))

I have only just seen this Not wanting to post on here but wanted to let you know i was thinking of you xxx