How do you feel about asking for/accepting help from people?

[expatkat]

The books & antenatal classes say, "Never turn down an offer of help once you have a baby." I no longer have a babybut I do have a toddler and a 4-yr-old!and still feel that wisdom applies.

But I just had a guest here for a week. She comes from the southern US where there is a strong tradition of hospitality and of guests never lifting a finger. (This tradition seems to apply in parts of Ireland, too, and the Mediterranean countries.) On occasion I accepted her offers of washing a few dishes etc, clearly to her surprise. She doesn't have kids herself so might not realize how up to my neck in chores I am as an essentially single working mother. I mean, her grandmother and mother did EVERYTHING themselves, so why can't I, she was probably thinking.

I find that despite making myself ask for & accept help, I still have a bit of guilt about it. I feel not quite as good a person as I could be. Does anyone else struggle with this?

No I take help readily - but only if I feel I cna help back -l like looking after kids when mothers need haircuts and so on...

I thik you reep what you sow.

Anyone who doent offer to help a mother with 2 kids cant be
a) on this planet
B) a real friend

I hate feeling as if I owe people. I always want to return the favour. But I shouldn't necessarily. I too often rob people of the chance to give.

Expatkat, you put your friend up for a week, so why should you feel guilty about her helping out a little?

ditto ditto and ditto sobernow! Think it's low self esteem which I know I have and knowing doesn't make it raise no matter how I try!

Sobernow I was trying to think of a way to explain how I react to this situation and you've decribed it perfectly.

I readily offer to help people, going so far out of my way sometimes it's ridiculous but just can't accept it back even now when I have kids myself and even when I've been VERY heavily pregnant.

I just can't stand the thought of people thinking I can't cope.

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ikwym sobernow and emsiewill. I can accept help if I've offered it or know I can reciprocate. expatkat, you definitely shouldn't feel guilty, not at all. I realised recently that I work a LOT harder when I go to stay with people than I do in my own house! This is because other people usually have higher standards than me It's a relief to get back home and sit surrounded by mess that I'm not in any hurry to clean up.

I am useless at asking for or accepting help - even when repeatedly offered. Before DS it never caused me a problem, but now, in a foreign land with my husband away and DS it has created issues. At times I have been quite isolated and I have offended my PIL's sometimes. I'm trying to get better, but it really goes against the grain.

Has anyone got any suggestions for getting over it?

My best friend came to stay with me for 4 weeks when my DS was small and she is very much like me, so she just did stuff - without me asking and without her offering and it worked out just fine - but then that is why I love her.

I am in the "can't ask for help in case people think I can't cope" corner, (www - wasn't me earlier, but glad to know I', on your mind! )

Also, I live in an area where most of my friends have family around to help out in emergencies, which I don't, so any favours they do me I feel that I can't easily repay - although someone on here once pointed out to me that they might be glad not to have to ask their family.

Always pleased to give help, though.

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Sorry emsiewill, I meant emmatmg! I do know you're completely different people - you're in wales, she's SE amongst other things. She has 3 children and a dh who gets told about mumsnet pregnancies and you went to Noahs Ark farm recently. Just wanted to make that clear - I get irritated if people mix me up with someone.

Oooh, now you've got me a little bit nervous...ever been a stalker?

Still, at least you get my name right nowadays

EmSiewill!

Wow WWW you've got a very good memory....mine was removed when Ds3 was born

I ahve a different perspective on this....
I don't find it difficult at all to accept or ask for help and I would be quite annoyed if I had guests who didn't lift a finger. If we have guests staying for a weekend, I'll expect them to help with dinner or clear up afterwards while I rest my feet. I have never thought of it as a sign I can't cope. I will readily help and offer help back too.
I have got a friend who offers help, but she never accept it back. She will offer to look after my children, but if I offer to help back, she will just go "oh no no no no no". I actually find this slightly annoying and I certainly don't think it is because she copes so well. Instead I don't ask for her help, because I think her attitude is not easy-going and that she makes a big deal of it all. It makes me uneasy around her really......