Not looking for spelling corrections etc. Just a general sense of is it amusing / sad, how does it make you feel? Why do you think the person writing it reacted as she did? Is this typical of a teenage girl? Does the mans age factor into it? that sort of stuff. Thank you.
I was 15 and he was older at about 26, he looked alot like David Beckham although I think DB would have beat him in a quiz anyday! I wasnt intrested in his intellect though.... I met him in a little village place that I used to visit on weekends, my best friend at the time lives over there and he was her next door neighbour. There was a group of us that used to go and visit, and of course we all had our eye on Mr DB lookylikey... and so the competetion began!
Oh we were childish, we vied for his attention, I even pretended to like football and went with him on a trip to visit his daughter at a contact centre. He was only intrested in Jody though. We couldnt understand why at the time, what was so special about her? Maybe looking back, it was because she was there less often so didnt make a fool of herself quite so much. Eventually though, my chance came! My mom, for the very first time would be leaving me in the house for a couple of nights alone, being a typical teenage my first thought was of parties and boys and of getting Mr DB lookylikey on his own. It worked, sort of. He turned up with his friend Jon who was at the time seeing my best friend (the village one -are you keeping up?) One couple and a single male and female, well anyone can do the maths cant they! It wasnt to be though, a group of our other friends turned up and the lads were way out numbered by us hormonal 'desperate to be grown up' girls. Fortunatly for me though, (not so fortunatly for her!) Jodys auntie was taken ill and she was stuck at the hospital in supportive mode. She knew though, that her not being there would blow her chances, and she called a few times under the pretence of seeing how things were going. Im not sure if it my memory playing tricks on me, guilt or if its fact but i remember her saying "Dont do anything with him...." As if i would....
We spent the night drinking cheap cider and smoking in the house! what a novelty! There was no ashtrays in the place though as my mom was very much anti-smoking (and even now, she doesnt know im a smoker!) we used half empty glasses and coke cans and anything else that would make do. We bought quilts down and made beds on the floor. We thought we were great! But no luck with Mr DB lookylikey. He just didnt like me. I wasnt 'fashionable' I was a sweatshirt and jeans type person, wouldnt dream of wearing make-up and had BRACES - social death!! My chance finally came when after a small disagrement he stomped off to my moms room for some peace and quiet. I gave him and hour and then decided to go and see if he was 'ok' I knew though, that coming back down stairs without achiening my goal would be humilating as they all knew my intentions. I couldnt fail at all costs....
He was asleep in my moms bed. I stood there for a minute not knowing what to do - after all what was the pre-sex etticate? What do you say? Lights on or off? Did i look ok? Were my boobs big enough? had I shaved my legs? As all this was running through my mind, he woke up and glared at me. I could almost read his mind and he was thinking "Not you, anyone but you...." but I was on a mission and feeling brave got into the bed. Then I got scared! After all my shallow thoughts about prickly legs and tiny boobs i realised that it might hurt. And how would I know what to do? Was I supposed to touch 'it'? I was spared the worry though when he kissed me, i felt his tongue slide into my mouth and he tasted of sleep. My first though was oh my god hes kissing me! swiftly followed by 'oh fuck that hurts' and that was it - it was all over, it didnt seem that any time had passed, and i hadnt moved even a little - I still had my clothes on, although my knickers were tucked slighty to the side. But I was grown up now! And I had my man! I was officially the winner! Or so i thought until a few minutes later when I heard laughter coming from downstairs. Walking was uncomfortable, and that John Wayne joke passed through my mind as i edged down the stairs trying to hear what was being said.
I took deep breathes before walking into the living room, I knew i was blushing and I knew that they were laughing at me - but what had I done wrong? Did it not feel good for him? Was I too ugly? I some found out when I heard him saying in a voice that was meant to be overheard...."Fucking hell, shes like a sack of potatoes...." Ah, so I had done it wrong then. Playing it cool, as teenage girls do, i laughed along when really I was crying inside. I was run a bath by someone and was relieved to escape to soak in it. It stung. I couldnt work out why people enjoyed sex so much if this was what it felt like. Although humilated and sore I still felt a certain sense of pride. I was no longer a virgin! I was a grown-up, a woman and no one was going to take that away from me. I ignored the looks and the sly comments, I had an attitude and wasnt afraid to let it show. I had 'won' although in all truth it felt like a pretty sad victory....
Jody found out, of course and was rightly angry with me. Although she hadnt been seeing him we all knew she wanted to and that made him 'off-limits' but in the selfish world of a 15 year old friendships were fickle and I had never liked her much anyway.... and as for Mr DB lookylikey, well I was just the first, he made his way around us all over the next few months and although I felt somewhat disgruntled at him using us like his personal harem, I was often heard saying 'well at least i wasnt sloppy seconds...'
Why is losing our viginity so important to us? Does it make us better people? help us climb the social ladder? Give us a sense of adulthood? No, I dont think it does. Looking back, to me, it seemed important because 'everyone else was doing it' but I never found out who the 'everyones' were, they didnt exsist in our confinded teenage circle. Oh there were the girls at school that everyone knew had sex, and everyone secretly envied, and now I was elevated to their group, but I couldnt help wondering if they all felt the same way I did, disappointed, used and slightly grubby. But, no, I reasoned with myself - I had just done it wrong. Had let him down, and was obviously never going to get a man unless I improved my skills....