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Original poster

DH and I have got ourselves into an awful mess and I just feel sick

42 replies

WhatAHorribleMess · 11/08/2006 10:58

Well, I don't really know where to start.
Basically we had to move last year after getting into arrears with our mortgage, we couldn't afford the monthly payments, they were huge so extremely stupidly decided that we just wouldn't pay them for several months. We got threatened with eviction so in the end sold our house and paid back our debts to the mortgage company. Our families knew nothing about the trouble we were in, although they did know we were struggling financially which is the reason we gave them for selling the house.
We lost a huge amount of money, we had put down a £30K deposit on the house from the equity we made on our previous house but this go eaten up with the amount we owed in arrears, solicitors fee's, estate agent fee's and a huge redemption fee. We were left in all with about £2500 which we decided to just blow on ourself partly and put some towards our wedding, then start from scratch after renting for a while.
As the weeks approached to our wedding we realised we were £4K short of paying everyone their final balances, we tried and tried to get a loan with some terrible credit companies and even then we got declined. At the last minute I sort of fessed up to my mum, explaining we had tried to get a loan to pay for the remaining bills but had been refused and now we were basically buggered. All of our families believed us to have £25K in a savings account from the sale of our house so my parents came to the rescue and gave us £4K which we would arrange to pay back after the wedding, they thought it would come out of our 'savings', we were intending to pay it by selling our car.
The wedding went ahead and it came to repaying the money, we sold the car (aparently), received a cheque for it which cleared in my account earlier this week, I then transferred £4K into my parents back account. I have now received a letter from my bank to say the cheque was stopped and as it involved in some sort of theft.

So now we are here ......

only £1K saved towards what we owe my parents, absolutely nothing in the bank and a set of parents who believe £4K is winging its way to them as I type.

We have no choice but to talk to my parents and tell them absolutely everything. They are going to be so dissappointed in us. We have lied and for that i feel terrible, we borrowed money which we now cannot give back for at least another month and most of all I feel so sick at the thought of how dissapointed they are going to be with us. We need to see them to tell them everything and I am absolutely terrified. I feel like we have let them down in an unblievable way.

I don't know what I expect anyone to say to this, I don't know at all, I suppose I just wanted to write it all down and hope maybe it will help when it comes to talking to my parents.

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 11/08/2006 11:08

Ok, before you go & confess all to you parents, is there anyway you can make the situation better first? Don't do a knee jerk panic thing.
Sit down & go through your money. Write down everything, what comes in & what goes out.
Once you have done this, look at ways you can make some savings in the short term.
Nearly everyone can hack back massively on food & household supplies.
Having looked at ways of making some savings & really analysing your finances carefully, could you then go to your parents & say that you've had a few difficulties and you would like to pay them off over the next year. Give them a cheque for the first £1k up front & then say in two or three months you'll give them the next £1k and so on until you've paid them off.
You have both made this mess yourselves but I think rather than just go confessing your lack of financial savvy to your parents, it would be much better to sort yourselves out & present a grown up solution to your parents.

Original poster
WhatAHorribleMess · 11/08/2006 11:12

Thanks Bugsy.
Basically we have no outgoings at present as we are living with my MIL due to not being able to find a place to rent yet, all we pay her is £100 a week rent. This is how we have got the £1K saved and should have another £1500-£2K but the end of the month.

OP posts:
Ags · 11/08/2006 11:12

I feel for you. My DH and I are totally crap with money too.

Horrible though it is, being forced to admit the truth at least means that you don't have to go around hiding your worries anymore. You will have to take the flak and the disappointment of your parents but in the end it means you can start again from a position of honesty.

Take any advice offered from them humbly and work out a way, in advance, that you can sensibly pay them back. This will show them you are serious.

Freddiecat · 11/08/2006 11:15

hang on - what about this car? you sold it, got a cheque for it and now don't have the cash because of some sort of theft.

so have you had 4 grand stolen from you then?

Original poster
WhatAHorribleMess · 11/08/2006 11:16

Thanks Ags, I know this is the best option. DH and I are sick of the constant lies, which are no-one else's fault apart from our own, we know.

I will write down exactly what our earnings are and what little outgoings we have so I can show these to my parents and prove we are able to pay the money back, just not as early as expected.

I can just see the hurt look on my dad's face now and I just want to cry, I can't believe how badly we have let them down.

OP posts:
Ags · 11/08/2006 11:17

This all sounds horribly familiar to me so I really do know what you are feeling at the moment. Good luck with it. X

Original poster
WhatAHorribleMess · 11/08/2006 11:18

Sorry FreddieCat, basically we received a cheque which I paid into my account, it was showing in my account as cleared yesterday so I transferred £4K into my parents account which was £3K from the car sale plus the £1K we had saved.
I received a letter this morning saying the money had been taken back from my account as the cheque was unpaid from the account of the person who wrote the cheque, it had a stamp on the front of the photocopied cheque saying Theft Reported. We still have the car

OP posts:
fairyjay · 11/08/2006 11:20

What's happening about the theft of your car? Does insurance cover this sort of thing?

fairyjay · 11/08/2006 11:22

If the amount was cleared in your account, I don't think the bank can just take it back from you?

GrinaFraud · 11/08/2006 11:22

but what has happened about the car?

i really dont understand. if the cheque was stolen then surely you need to report the fact that your car was bought illegaly to the police...maybe the insurance would kick in over this?

i am assuming its not the car that they are claiming was stolen

Wordsmith · 11/08/2006 11:22

WAHM - feel for you, really I do. It's easy for money problems to multiply when you don't address them - DH and I have been in that situation before and it takes a long time to get out of it (we are still in it, to be honest!) However I think you should fess up to your mum & dad. Yes they'll be disappointed but I'm sure they'll understand, as long as you're honest. And it sounds as though you'll be able to pay it back pretty quickly.

Re the car - do you have any form of receipt or way of getting your money back?

fairyjay · 11/08/2006 11:23

Sorry - read it properly now. Why don't you just sell the car again? You can tell your M & D that there was a problem, so the money will take a little longer, but probably only a week or so.

Having said that, you might be better to be upfront with them anyway.

Bugsy2 · 11/08/2006 11:24

Well it is good news that you still have the car. Are you still going to sell it?
You don't have to be bad with money, it really is just a question of getting organised. If you know what is coming in & going out then you know what you have got to spend. Cut up credit cards, so that you can't wrack up debt that you can't pay off. Get all bills paid by direct debits, you often get a discount for this & you don't have to worry about late payment charges. Open a savings account & transfer even a small amount each month, so that in a crisis there is something to fall back on.
I could go on & on with tips. It is nothing more than organisation, there is no mystery involved.
Your parents may be disappointed, but they will at least think you are working to make things better if you have a payment plan worked out. If you just go & confess all, it might make you feel better but it will just worry & upset them.

Original poster
WhatAHorribleMess · 11/08/2006 11:24

Sorry I am not being very clear about the car.
We still have the car but no longer have the £3K they paid for it, therefore in theory it is like the car was never sold. I was waiting for the money to clear before handing them over the keys/log book etc.
I am waiting for my bank to call me back over what I need to do about reporting it or if they are

OP posts:
Wordsmith · 11/08/2006 11:24

That's what I'd think too, FJ - if the cheque has cleared your account I would assume that means that the funds are there and have been cleared down the line, so to speak - isn't that why you have to wait god knows how many days to clear?

Roobie · 11/08/2006 11:25

You still have the car then? Can you sell it again? Obviously not as I'm sure you would have done it but I don't understand what's happened here - so you don't have an asset worth £3k then?

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 11/08/2006 11:26

Horrid feeling isn't it, you'll feel so much better and more able to move on once you've let it all out. Fingers crossed they might even suggest a longer term repayment plan (offer what you can and hope they beat you down LOL).
Sounds like you need a bit of a lifestyle change anyway if you couldn't afford the one you were living. My sister is very well off and it's really hard to resist trying to keep up but it's actually quite a good smug feeling when you go for the sensible option - try and turn it around so you see others as extravagant and wasteful (eg all-inclusive family resort abroad twice vs a week's camping in the UK).

Wordsmith · 11/08/2006 11:27

Posts crossing here mean my posts are out of date by the time they get up there!

Good post Bugsy.

If you still have the car, in effect you still have your money. You don't really need to worry about the bank. Just sell the car again.

You should still fess up to the folks though.

zippitippitoes · 11/08/2006 11:30

tell the parents..they will be mad as hell and you will have to sit and listen to how much they are disappointed and why didn't you tell them, and why did you pay all that for a wedding you couldn't aford. You will cry and mum will cry and then you make aplan together to move on. And sell the car.

lorina · 11/08/2006 11:46

So you can still sell the car and give your parents their money back? thats good news.
Maybe after that you and your Dh could make a pact that money matters are as private as your love life. If you dont involve other people and you two sort it out yourselves you will be really proud of yourselves.
Good luck

Roobie · 11/08/2006 11:55

I must admit if I knew that I could ultimately pay my parents the £4k and move on there is no way I would enter into a big discussion with them about my finances.

Original poster
WhatAHorribleMess · 11/08/2006 12:02

Thanks all, I do feel just slightly better for talking about it here.
I have just spoken to my BIL, 2 people have asked him about our car over the last few days but he told them it was sold. He is going to try and get in contact with them to see if we can still get it sold.
If we get it sold should we still fess up ? The only reason we went to my parents for help was because our wedding was a atter of weeks away and that was the only option short of running away

OP posts:
zippitippitoes · 11/08/2006 12:05

I'd tell them...but then I'm speaking as a parent with a daughter and partner who have had debt problems and whom I've lent money too.

Original poster
WhatAHorribleMess · 11/08/2006 12:13

This is the last remaining debt we have, once this is paid we owe absolutely no-one a penny. Everything was paid off when we sold our house.

I know is should really be honest but there is a tiny part of me that is thinking, if I can get away with not telling them then why worry them. I know they will worry themselves silly over it

OP posts:
Kathlean · 11/08/2006 12:20

I think you have made a telling statement in your last message about yourselves. If you can see it and learn from it you should be alright financially in the future.

You cleared all your debts when you sold the house last year. I don't know when the wedding was booked but.....

If if was after the house sale then you didn't have the money and shouldn't have spent money you didn't have on the wedding. If it was booked before the house sale then you still would have known your financial situation and could have economised somewhere along the line.

I would recommend being honest with your parents. You may be lucky and get a cash sale on your car in the next day or so and never have to tell them.

But if it comes out after a few drinks in the future I think your parents will be way more upset by the lies and not turning to them properly for help than they will be over a late payment for a few £k.