Need help having conversations.

[Dontknowhowtotalk]

I've changed my name because this sounds so unbelievably pathetic in my head that I don't want to admit that it's me.

I have always been very quiet and shy, being the type with just a couple of close friends ever since a young child.

As far as I can tell I am not universally disliked iyswim, but I am too quiet for anyone to actually get to know me enough to like me.

Since having children and being out of the workplace, it has gotten even harder because I am out of the swing of normal conversation, and seem to freeze up when I am left alone with someone I don't know well. I have interests other than my children, but they always seem to leave my brain if I try to have conversations.

I know that it ends up with the impression that I am being aloof and think I'm better than everyone else, when I'm not - I am just in silence because my head is screaming "Say SOMETHING".

The older I am getting, the worse it is getting, and it is really starting to upset me.

Is there anyone out there who has overcome it??? I have tried "getting a grip", but my stomach churns, I feel sick, and it all goes tits up.

I go on MN meet ups, but tend to fade into the background (kind of like one of Phillip Pullman's witches).

HELP!!! How do I learn to talk to people?!? I think I'm nice - and I just want other people to get to know me well enough to know that too!

(Sorry for the length and sounding so pathetic )

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The best advice I can give you is that the vast majority of people love to talk about themselves. Therefore, if you have a standard set of questions to kick start a conversation (what do you do? where do you live? how many children? etc.), those answers will tend to suggest further questions you can ask. I recognise all too well the panic you describe but this tactic, copied from my mum, has stood me in good stead over the years.

HTH

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Absolutely meggelevache - "that's a lovely " is on my list

oops, sorry about the extra 'e'

I think more people feel like this than we realise! I listen to people talking and think 'I wish I could have her confidence'
I hate new situations where I meet new mums etc and think that no one would ever want to talk to me!!
I agree the open questions are best, not very good at them myself though!!!
Where are you from btw?

Thankyou - I will try all of those

I'm from the south AM.

Its good knowing that there are others who feel the same panic (does that make sense?? not that I'm wishing it on anyone!)

I used to be like this too DKHTT, horrible isn't it?

Tbh - for me at least - it has diminished with age ... I realise now that almost everyone feels a bit like this - there are few people who genuinely don't care what others think of them. The thing to remember is that when you are freezing up like that you are focusing entirely on yourself and not the person in front of you, and when that is the case it's impossible to genuinely interact with the other person, therefore a friendship is unlikely to result!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not over it myself and I'm not telling you to stop being so silly and pull your socks up. Cognitive behavioural therapy could be really useful, or try reading "Feeling Good" by David Burns which is based on the principles of CBT. It's been a great help to me.