Don't know where to start this, and Parenting/Behaviour is full of babies..

[IfNotNowThenWhen]

Ds just had a major meltdown at me the like of which I have seen inklings of, but this was full blown roaring hysterics.
I called down the stairs to ask him something, he said "what?" I asked again, he ignored me, so I told him to come to the bottom of the stairs. He has been watching tv for over an hour and was welded to the sofa.
I went in the living room a bit annoyed and said "please don't ignore me!" and he went really stroppy and huffing about and sort of "yeah yeah, what are you going to ask me-just say it" and continued to flick TV channells. Then I told him to not be rude and to stop fiddling with the telly while I was speaking to him or it would go off, and he sort of flung himself to the floor (he's 7!) and rolled around in frustration because he wanted me to shut up and say what I had to say, so I switched off the the tv.
Whereupon he exploded. He screamed "NO NO NO NO!!" over and over at the top of his lungs, then swung for me (!)and pummmelled me a bit.I grabbed his arms and this made him even angrier and he started spitting at me.
He was screaming "I hate you! at the top of his lungs over and over.
I said "you do not hit me. EVER. Go upstairs and calm down" and he wouldnt go, so I stood there like a twat,not knowing what to do, then I said that I would go upstairs and he needed to calm down, but he followed me, and still screaming hysterically.
By this point I was getting really angry too, and I really wanted him to go in his room so I could calm down too, and I ended up picking him up, and dumping him on his bed and kind of holding his arms, where I told him that he needed to stay there, and that he had to stop screaming or the neighbours would call the police.
Maybe they have. I would have.
I am shaking now. He smashed up his room, spat all over the bed, and then 5 minutes later came down all contrite and said "I'm sorry". I told him to go back upstairs as I need to think.
What the fuck? The rage coming off him was terrifying. He really looked like he HATED me.He MEANT it.
I am quite strict sometimes, and probably there are ways that kids talk to their parents that are just accepted by a lot of parents (the eye rolling and whatevs) but I am really not OK with that, and as single parent I have to be quite firm because in other ways we can be quite sibing-like and he needs to know I'm Mum.
Except he clearly doesn't respect me. Because I couldn't even get him to go to his room. He fucking hit me. Can someone help, because I am really upset. Sorry for ramble.

My Ds started "tantrums" about this age when he had never really had them as a toddler. I used to treat them same way as a toddler tantrum, ignore and tell him we'll talk about it when he calmed down. There's no point trying to deal with it while they're in full flow, as you've discovered it just makes things worse.

Also, the rule in this house is that you need to be in the same room as someone if you want/expect their attention. It's a bit much to tell him off for ignoring you when he was several rooms away and engrossed in something else. We don't do calling from one room to another, ever. I find it really rude (and you're talking about respect - has to work both ways) and as you've found it leaves loads of room for misunderstanding. You think you've told/asked them something but they haven't heard properly, if at all. They might have made some sort of acknowledgement but you don't know if they really understood what you wanted. It works the other way too. If they want something from me they need to come and find me, not just yell.

Also too much screen time definitely makes behaviour worse. At this age my 2DS's behaviour improved noticeably within 24 hours of me banning it altogether during the week. We then re-introduced it very gradually with strict time limits.

Put today's events behind you and start again.

Oh that sounds horrible :(

My DD 6 sometimes has quite scary rages too.

I agree about the screen time - can you set a specific limit, say an hour a day, and then there will be consequences if he strops about it? Eg if he throws a tantrum when you turn telly off, then tell him fine, if you can't turn it off nicely then you get no time tomorrow. Then 'tomorrow' ask him to remind you WHY he isn't allowed any today. This worked with my DD and iPad time - just occasionally she threw a wobbly but the next day when I asked her she'd say "because I didn't stop when you asked me to " and that was enough.

Any issues at school?

BTW sometimes with DD she gets in such a state that she genuinely can't calm down herself. I ask her if she needs a cuddle to calm down and it often does work (but I wouldn't do it if she didn't say yes)

Yeah XPS, I do take your point about calling from room to room, and we try not to do it too, for the same reasons.
I wasnt really cross about him ignoring me calling down, I was annoyed after I came in the room and he was rude.
Agree about screen time, and its not usually more than an hour anyway. There is no tv before school, and he is only allowed to watch one thing after school.
Should I have just walked away, when he wouldn't? I just didn't know how to react at all.
I don't think I could have cuddled ds at that moment, as he had attacked me, and that really shocked me. Is that bad?
School seems fine. We have talked about it now, and he is really sorry, and I asked him if he was angry about something else (because it felt like that to me) and he said no.
Are tantrums like this normal then? It's hard to deal with that level of rage.

OP, what a horrible start to the day for you!

I would be encouraged by how quickly he has realised that it is unacceptable behaviour and apologised. While he is calm maybe you should tell him now what the punishment will be if it happens again, and get him to agree that it is fair. Hopefully it won't happen again though! Once you've had a chat, try to put it behind you and have a lovely afternoon - get him outside for a long walk in the fresh air or something.

This happened a few times with my sister's DS, btw, around the same age (7/8). He was a very clever child, top of his class by a mile etc, and in some ways almost like a teenager, but didn't yet have the emotional maturity to match. This resulted in very occasional outbursts which, like above, were a bizarre mix of teenage stroppiness and toddler-like expression of it.

The ignoring thing seems to be where it started. Maybe he was in a touchy mood before that. But what works for me is to get to his eye level and say calmly and clearly,
" I want to tell you something and I want your full attention. When you're watching TV, I feel you aren't paying full attention to what I say. So I'm going to turn it off."

It sounds like a mouthful but it helps to keep the situation cool. I'm not saying it would've worked in this case, like I said, there may have been something he was brooding over and your request was the trigger he needed to blow up.

Tantrums are to get release from pent up emotions. Whatever the kids age. After he's done, I would also have accepted his apology and gone with him to look at the state of his room and maybe debrief a little. Talk about what went on. He might open up about whats bothering him (if its something)

Anything is worth a try.

I,m not sure about that Uri, I know how I'd react if someone told me they were going to turn tv off when i was watching it because they had something to say! I'd think it was very rude indeed

and that theydidn't have any regard at all for my feelings. Imagine the aibu uf a dh did that!

I'm fairly sure they get a testosterone burst around 8-will google it in a minute! I remember having a similar thing with both of my boys around that age who had previously been lovely. So that could help to explain the complete change in behaviour.

" in some ways almost like a teenager, but didn't yet have the emotional maturity to match. This resulted in very occasional outbursts which, like above, were a bizarre mix of teenage stroppiness and toddler-like expression of it."
Thanks sirensong, that's about the size of it. He does get these rages, but comes down from them quickly too and is genuinely sorry, but I find it scary.
Uri he's gone swimming now with a relative (was already planned) but I did talk to him and ask him if there was something else going on, and he said no. Tbh though, things are a bit off with me for various reasons, so he may be picking up on that.
XPS, sorry, but that's not what happened. He spoke to me is a rude tone of voice and kept fiddling with the telly when I had asked him to stop for a moment, and I warned him the TV would go off.
And I'm not his DH! His feeling are respected, and he is given choices about things, but at the end of the day I am his mother, he is a child.

I wasn't referring to your post IfNot, but to Uri's, example where she gets to eye level...

I'm fairly sure they get a testosterone burst

It's the seven ages of man and all that. When they are an infant, they cling to their mum. Now he wants to demonstrate otherness / independence ... just that he's not going the right way about it!

Oh, OK XPS, soz!

Hmm. I will look up testosterone in children. Christ. I think I have enough testosterone for the both of us!(And I'm a girl!)
I think TV is a major trigger in this house. I do see children on TV shows speaking to adults in a way I think is out of order, and being very teenage at a young age, and I think ds gets very invested in these shows.
Anyway. We talked about anger management, and when you feel like things are unfair and I asked him to count to ten next time before he reacts. I also said time out is a good thing when we both get angry, because it gives us a chance to think before we act, and I mean me too.
I havnt instigated a consequence though.
Am I being really woo about this. Supernanny would be all over this, going "where's the discipline??"

What goes on over here in "other stuff" anyhoo?
Is this where people come to hide from the trolls?