Why is my sister in law such a bitch

[kimi]

After 21 years DH and i grew apart and after a year of "decideing what to do" we decided to part, it was sad and hard but i have a new DP and DH and i are getting on better now then we have in years. We have 2 DS's age 10 and almost 6 and we only live 10 minuets walk apart. DH and NP get on well and DH is often here for dinner and has helped with the move and the decorating.
There is no nastieness between us and DH has been most supportive in helping my sister (bluesarahjayne) in her recent break up and the chemo. We are still very much a family.
Sadly DHs cousin has died, she was a lovely lady and we got on well when ever i saw her, DH and i planned to go to the funeral and booked time off of work and arranged flowers, then DHs sister calls today and says that his cousins mother in law thinks it will be akward if i go to the funeral (no one knew of the break up so sis in law rang them up to stir) Now DH says he wont be going to the funeral, i rang his cousins hubby and said i understood i was unwelcome but could we still send flowers and he went mad wanting to know what the hell sis in law thought she was playing at interfearing in his wifes funeral. DH says his sister is was and always will be a shit stiring bitter nasty cow and is really pissed off with her. I have to admit that she has always been a trouble maker and has split up endless people with her lies and nastieness, but for the love of god this is a funeral not a point scoring contest, if DH and i were at each others throuts fairplay but we are not and i was part of that family for 21 years and have two sons who are mine and DHs whatever happens. Im so cross that she has used this to be nasty and has upset DH. she really is a very bad person. Thing is as much as i liked DHs cousin i dont want to cause upset to her hubby and family, although he is more then happy fpr me to go to the funeral, i just dont know what to do.

Ignore her, you don't need to have anything to do with this woman.

I think you should ignore your SIL. You and DH should talk about the funeral again and if you both decide to go then go! If either of you decides not then that is their decision.

The cousin's DH is happy for you to be there and that is all that matters.

GO! This has absolutely nothing to do with your sil. Your cousin's husband has asked you both to go and it is HIS wishes that should come first. HE is the one that is grieving and HE is the one that needs the support.

I am assuming that you probably won't be having much to do with your sil in the future so why not challenge her, face to face? Most people who behave like this cannot cope with being confronted with what they have done. Why not say to her, very openly and preferably in front of other people, 'why did you tell us we weren't welcome to come today? I'm interested as I spoke to X and he was absolutely fine about it. I just wondered where you got the idea that I shouldn't be here?'

I can not bear people who think they have the right to interfere in other people's business in such an underhand, bitchy way.

Stupid mare. Presumably she gets some sort of thrill from causing upset. Sad.

Wouldn't confront her at the funeral though, you don't want to cause a scene which could be distressing for the people most affected. Think it's best to keep a lid on family rows on the day of big events like weddings or funerals.

DH is very upset by it all and i hate the fact she hurts him by having a snipe at me when ever she can, yet she is more happy to invite herself to stay at the house DH and i shared (and is still half mine and full of my stuff) DH says she aint setting foot in it again, but my MIL who moved closer to SIL whenFIL died has also started to be mean, she ask for a bible back that she gave me for everything i did to help when FIL died. DH was so angrey about that that she gave in and let me keep it. I know some of you will say im better out of a family like that but they are my childrens family and i dont want my sons to lose that. Also DH say even if i am not his wife (still am as not divorced yet) i am the mother of his children and should be treated with respect. I hate to see them hurt him like this, althought they have always been abit like this, his half sister said we could not sit at the family table when it was his mothers 60 birthday party. Thing is i have never done anything to make them dislike me and its me that invited them round kept the contact going and sent cards gifts etc as DH has no real time for them, he was not even going to tell his mother we had seperated as he said it was none of her bussiness (she was coming to stay so i thought she might wonder where her granchildren had gone too).
Still dont want to add to the stress and upset of the funeral though, might just send flowers and donation to mcmillan nurses, and light a candel at my church at the time of the funeral.

Would your DH's cousin's immediate family be upset if you weren't there? I can understand that you don't want to cause any more upset and stress during an already hard time but who will be more upset if you don't go?

From what you've said, it doesn't appear that your sil has any motive other than spite behind her suggestion that you shouldn't go and you have been told by your DH's cousin's husband that you would be welcome. At the end of the day, you owe your sil nothing and it's not down to her whether you should be able to go and pay your respects to someone who you have known for a long time and had no problem with.

I am (possibly incorrectly) assuming that your sil is not so much of a bitch that she would make a massive scene at the funeral itself if you were there. I was so pissed off on your behalf in my first reply that I didn't think about how wrong it would be to confront her on the day. However, I do think you should confront her - it sounds as though your dh would support you and let her know that it's not her place to dictate to you what you can and can't do.

thank you oilhan and everyone else who has posted. Sadly SIL is that much of a bitch she would stir someone else up to have a go, it is what she does, she loads the gun and gets someone else to pull the trigger so to speack, like most bullys she is a coward.
Its so sad that she has to degrade what should be a day for family and friends to pay respects to a lovely lady and be a comfort to her family, we sent a card from me, DH and boys, as we are still doing for these type of things and birthdays etc, (do DH and i have it wrong that we are still a family if not still a couple?)

I think you and your DH have it exactly right. I'm assuming your new DP has no problem with your relationship with DH so it sounds perfect for all of you. If only more marriage breakdowns could be more like yours.

Could you go to the actual burial/cremation part, see Dh's cousin's family then go, and avoid any get together afterwards where things might go wrong? At least that way you can say your goodbyes and cause as little disturbance as possible.

I'm just so gobsmacked that your ILs are behaving like this when you and your DH have worked things out so brilliantly.

Well after eating half a box of thorntons continental and a telephone conversation with DHs cousins husband, i have decieded to go to the funeral and pay my respects.
Oilhan i think i will do as you suggust and DH and i will just go to the service and not the wake.
New DP is fine about it all, he is grown up enough to know that DH has always been, is still and will always be a part of my life and we will always be a family as we have 2 lovely sons, Thing is now we are a bigger family. I know to some it all seems a bit jerry springer, but DH and i still love each other very much, we are just not in love with each other, the fact is we are getting on better now then in years.
I know it seems odd to some but there is no need for DHs family to interfear and be spiteful (although they always have to some extent) all they will do is turn DH against them, some of DHs family have been great (yes anorak i mean you xx) but as i said his sister and half sister have always been a bit on the spiteful side and now MIL is joining in.
Dont want to fall out with them really as my dad died when i was young and we had no contact with his family and i feel i missed out so i dont want that for my sons.

Hi kimi, sorry I didn't know about this (the lady who's died is obviously on the other side of the family to me).

Although kimi's DH is my actual relative (my cousin) I just want to say that everything kimi says is accurate. It takes a lot for me to want nothing to do with a person especially family but this particular cousin has been very poisonous over the years and I'm afraid has pounced on kimi and her DH's break-up as if seizing an opportunity to bitch. It's horrible.

I agree with everyone else kimi, go to the funeral, she won't dare make a scene in front of everyone. It would be all too obvious that she is the instigator if she did that.

Definitely go to the funeral. By the way I think the way that your 'dh' and np are acting is really 'grown up' - and can only be a good thing for your lo's

Your sil sounds a nasty cow - but my sil is a bit of a nasty cow as well ( I think it may be part of the job description )

I wouldn't be able to help myself after the event and have a blow up with her with dh on your side and tell her to keep her witchy nose out ! (This probably wouldn't help - but if you don't care about her - you may feel better)

Thank you all, Hi anorak (cousin is on FIL side).
Well DH and i are going to the funeral (and i will resist all temptation to push SIL in to any open graves) as i dont want to decend to her leval, although that would take a heck of a lot of decending.
I got a nice new suit, DH said it looked lovely and i will hold my head high and ignore SiL and her nasty childish ways. Think shes a bit bitter as she and her DH split and divorced (after his 3rd affire) and are not on good terms at all, lots of name calling and he said she said and children being dragged in to it.Still she always has been a trouble maker tbh, DH really dislikes her.
But DH and i will go to the service and be descret, and leave it up to his family if they want to talk to us or not.

Well we went to the funeral, it was a lovely service and not at all morbid.
MIL and SIL were sadness beyond belife, firstly MIL came in to the room and went "ohhh what are you doing here" DH just went you knew we were coming i told you on tuesday, so she looked really silly (she is scared of SIL). SIL then wondered in to the kitchen to badmouth me to other family members while DH and i sat nicely waiting for the cars to arrive. At the service SIL pushed her way to the front and plonked herself in with cousins close family, DH and i stayed at the back.
SIL then spent the rest of the time following DHs other cousin about and sticking her nose so far up their bottoms it went a lovely shade of brown.
DH and i sat at a table and kept to ourself (we were told we were wanted at the wake by DHs cousin whos wife had died so we went).
MIL then decied to sit with us and have a little dig, at this point i quitly explained to MIL with DHS backing that the situatoin with DH and I had sod all to do with her or anyone else and neither of us would pee on SIL if she was on fire. DH pointed out that if SIL got her own life and stopped sticking her nose in to every one else's life she would be much better off, also that he would take my side over theirs EVERYTIME,and as the mother of his children i was not to be disrespected. It was all very discreat and no voices were raised and no one was upset, but i think the message was got accross.
Thank you to everyone who posted as i am so glad i went to pay my respects to a lovely lady who will be missed, i would have regreated it if i had not gone.

Kimi you sound like a very dignified lady; I'm glad you went to the funeral with your dh (who sounds very supportive). At the end of the day your dh's poor cousin wanted you there. Your mil and sil ought to be ashamed.

Oh, I'm glad you posted this, Kimi, I was wondering what happened. It sounds like you and your dh dealt with the situation amazingly well and I hope that things settle down a bit with his family. You must be the luckiest woman alive to have such a supportive dh after a split, there are so many women on here who have nightmare ILs and their dh's do nothing. All the best for the future.

Thank you everybody, oilhan my DH is the nicest person in the world and i do know how lucky i am to still have him in my life, and that DP does not mind that we are still close.
Will keep you posted on the in-laws.
DH taking boys to visit his mother for a week (its up to my children to form their own oppinions of their dads family not for me or DH to tell them what to think). Will let you know how it goes xx