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Original poster

Hate the way DH disciplines DS...what do I do???? [Long sorry]

17 replies

CurtainTwitcher · 27/07/2006 07:33

Didnt know whether to post this under relationships or what. Basically I really hate the way DH disciplines ds. Ds is 2.9yrs and I think he is way to harsh on him...sometimes he squares up to him like he is a grown man not a 2 yr old. The thing is DH was the most placid man I have ever known so I have no idea why he is this way with DS. If DS is being naughty I use timeout with reward chart which works well as he is given a warning. Now an example of DH this morning DS was lying on our bed and he has a habit of kicking his feet..not at anyone/anything in particular but just moving them constantly. Anyway I asked him to stop kicking a couple of times which he did but started up again in a few minutes. The third time DH jumped out the bed got right into his face and shouted mummy said stop kicking. Then he picked him up around the arms[not under iykwim] and took him to his room and put him on his bed. I did tell DH he was being overly aggressive etc but all he said was but you told him to stop kicking. DH seems to blow up out of nowhere which obviously makes DS reaction 10 times worse.There is no warning for DS that he is going to get this reaction etc which infuriated me..to the point where I have got up with both ds and dd[7mths] before I either killed him or told him to leave. So am I overreacting and if not how do I tackle this?????

OP posts:

NotQuiteCockney · 27/07/2006 07:47

You need to have a quiet word with him away from the kids.

I bet his parents treated him this way, so it's the parenting style that comes naturally to him, iyswim. A quiet chat about it all might help.

Original poster

CurtainTwitcher · 27/07/2006 07:53

NQC his parents were nothing like that. His mum let him get away with anything and his dad was away at work but is a very placid man. If anything it was me who was treated aggressively physically and mentally and I hate the thought it could get to that point with my children. I worry about when ds is older and does something a little more forceful what will dh reaction be to that etc.

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NotQuiteCockney · 27/07/2006 08:01

Any chance his dad was a very placid man who over-reacted sometimes and got shouty?

You need to have a big talk on childrearing techniques. Maybe talk to him about how it felt for you, being treated that way?

Original poster

CurtainTwitcher · 27/07/2006 08:02

I will do thanks NQC. He is currently still in bed so will grab him later.

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edam · 27/07/2006 08:27

Sounds like a very good idea from NQC. Also think you are right to be concerned about this - unpredictable and disproportionate aggression is not good for any victim, child or adult.

Dh did this to ds once. I tore him off a huge strip (out of ds's hearing), pointing out how terrifying a huge, strong bloke SHOUTING aggressively at you must be for a 2yo and said if he ever did it again, he'd be out on his ear. He realised how wrong it was and hasn't done it again.

Original poster

CurtainTwitcher · 27/07/2006 08:32

thanks Edam..did post on here to double check it wasnt me being a hormonal overreactor. Will speak to him when kids are in bed.

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edam · 27/07/2006 08:36

One of the things that may have shown dh how bad this was is that I told him he scared me, let alone ds. As in, the way he behaved was terrifying for an adult to see and must have been even more so for a 2yo.

Neither dh nor I are perfect parents, btw, and we both still shout sometimes (when I've asked ds to do something for the umpteenth time, for instance) but massive aggression is out.

Original poster

CurtainTwitcher · 27/07/2006 08:40

I agree edam have also shouted at ds when at end of tether it was more the squaring right up into his face and grabbing him the way he did. Also the fact that it was not the first time he has done it and seems to be more and more recently. Although I do know dh is struggling with his job as he hates it but its no excuse to be like that.

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tortoiseshell · 27/07/2006 08:42

CT, this is very familiar - dh does this, especially if tired or stressed about other things - the children become an irritation to him, and he very quickly blows up over nothing.

Given that we don't believe in smacking, and would never dream of smacking a child, we are trying to do the same with shouting - so that we HAVE to think of more imaginative ways of sorting the kids out!

Original poster

CurtainTwitcher · 27/07/2006 08:45

thats a good idea tortiseshell may mention that to him. We also dont do smacking in general so dont think DH would do that it was just the way he grabbed him combined with the shouting out of nowhere.

OP posts:

Caligula · 27/07/2006 08:46

I'd approach it in a "now that he's 2 and we've had a couple of disagreements about how to discipline, we need to sit down and agree what our discipline strategy is going to be, so that we present a united front and do it effectively" type of way.

So rather than being a "you're being crap, stop it" message, it's a "let's re-evaluate how we do it and agree some basics" message.

cyan · 27/07/2006 09:17

I agree that you need to sort out a discipline strategy as your ds probably doesnt know whether he is coming or going. It must be frustrating for him if you are discipling him one way and your dh is doing something else.

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 27/07/2006 12:37

Get a copy of Dr Christopher Green's Toddler Taming and make it clear that BOTH of you are to read it because you're clearly not on the same programme and working together is the definition of co-parenting. My DH finds it hard to believe our 18m old isn't being deliberately annoying.

Original poster

CurtainTwitcher · 27/07/2006 18:49

well spoke to him in a you appeared threatening and aggressive to me so must have been awful for ds etc. His response was to shrug and say I suppose. WE have watched parenting programmes together etc so dont know where to go from here.

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NotQuiteCockney · 27/07/2006 21:44

If he changes his behaviour, does it matter whether he agrees with you and apologises etc?

(Granted, I expect DH to apologise if he blew up unreasonably at either of our DSes, same as I do, but, well, baby steps ...)

dmo · 27/07/2006 21:53

my dh blows his top at ds's aged 9 and 10 we never smack
he says he gets really cross when i tell them to do something and they dont listen to me
maybe your dh is the same
i dont queistion him in front of children i back him up as does he to me but away from the children usally when we chat in bed we go over things, we try to reason with the children but sometimes they always try to over step the mark

Bucketsofdinosaurs · 27/07/2006 23:19

I think it's a fine line between backing someone up and leaping in to do their job for them and I guess in some ways I meant working together as complementary teamwork. It's an unspoken thing in every discipline situation that someone is taking the lead and the other person's job is to look stern and not quibble/not jump in to the fray. Although he thinks he's backing you up, he's actually just taking over. So you need to tread carefully explaining it, men are sensitive creatures when they feel their manly efforts are being criticised. Try a different tack, that it makes you feel he has no confidence in your abilities and you need him to boost your ego, not protect you from your own kids. Sigh, men! Good luck.

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