Calling older mothers - any regrets?

[speedymama]

Have you ever regretted not having more children?

I'm interested in knowing why you chose not to (that's if you had a choice), if you are still happy with the decision and if not, why not.

DH and I cannot decide if we should just be content with our 2yo DTS, especially as I am 41yo (DH is 33yo). The decision is more complicated now that I have been successful in my application to be a non-executive director at my local NHS Trust. I said to DH that I could try to conceive in 2years once I have more experience in this new role but he feels that is too old, esp as the child will still be at school when I am 60yo!

TIA

Well, I had DS1 at 37 (but only just as his birthday is 2 days after mine!), DS2 at 38 and DS3 at 41. I do wish we'd gone straight for another after that because the longer we left it the more reluctant I became to risk another late pregnancy. I was given quite a hard time by my mum over the third pregnancy as she felt we were already taking unnecessary risks, already having 2 children - and I know it was none of her business, but when have mothers ever agreed that what their children do is none of their business??

Anyway, to answer your question, we stopped because I left it too long after DS3 and then didn't want to risk another pregnancy. I was given a really hard time by DH when Cherie Blair got pregnant at 46 as he felt that we could have tried for another, but I did point out that she wasn't already looking after 3 very young children with no help.

cherie herself also admitted that leo was a . . . surprise.

my gran had a baby like that at 47. NOT planned, as she already had teenagers.

I had my 4th at 39; we know he's the last and are happy with that, so a bit different to your situation. Trying hard to imagine how I'd have felt if, now I'm 41 like you, I were a mother of 2 rather than 4...
I think that if you think it's something you'll regret later, and if you feel you have the energy given the likely progression of your career, then you should go for it sooner rather than later. Say you conceived in six months time; you'd have made a good start on the learning curve for your professional responsibilities, and your twins would be over the worst of toddlerdom..maybe !

DH and I were together for 6years before we got married, then waited 2 years before starting a family. Now we cannot understand why we took so long to get round to it. We were busy with our careers and enjoyed travelling but now we wish that we had started our family when I was about 35 or 36 and not when I was 39yo. That is the punishment of hindsight I suppose.

Do you want another child? Do you feel clucky at all?

I had dd at 41 and she's going to be my only one. A year or so ago I did want a second but there were all sorts of practical reasons why it wasn't a good idea, but I just couldn't bring myself to give away her baby stuff and say "that's it - just the one". I'm 44 now (dh 48) and can't see myself having another. I'm about to start a new job (NHS too!) and am thinking about increasing my hours and I'm happy with the decision to stick to just the one.

I think it's slightly different for me though as I have a step-daughter, and although she doesn't live with us she's as much part of the family as dd is, and if dh hadn't had her then we would have had a second ourselves.

In making our decision though age didn't come into it. It was more about practical things and how we felt about it. I would have happily had a second at 43 but so far no regrets about deciding not to.

Hi,

Due to a previous history of mcs, I had dd at 40. Now pg again and due in Nov - at age of 43.

Dh and I did feel a bit pushed into a decision, because of the age thing. But I think deep down we both wanted a second, so sod the timing we'd better get on with it!

Also, because of previous history, we were scared to embark on the whole process again, combined with the fact we needed to crack on just in case we had similar problems. It's actually been v. straightforward this time (so far!).

I was also v. nervous about age related defects, and difficulty in conceiving, but was encouraged by the increasing number of older women having children. Although I'll be 60 when last child leaves school, so will a lot of other parents!

Ultimately I think we thought about how we'd feel if we didn't have another one, and decided we probably would regret it if we didn't try. Though, if it hadn't worked out, we would have been happy to have just one.

I agree with that I wouldn't think about your career too much. It's never a 'good' time. And I think it can work well to do it early on too - at least you'll want to go back!

SSSandy, sometimes I do and sometimes I definitely do not. I keep thinking that I have 2 healthy boys so why spoil it but then I think, when I'm 50yo, I might regret not having another one. DH feels the same way and he says that it is the hardest dilemma with which he has had to wrestle.

It is a hard decision because once it's made and you go ahead there's no turning back if you change your mind.

speedymama, if you WANT a baby, try for a baby. (It may not work)

If you want this job, take it.

If you do get pregnant, maybe make up your mind to organise alternative arrangements which allow you to return to work soon and work FT. I know you may think having a baby means being there as much as possible for the baby (which is what I felt) but there are other options which can work very well, if you get the right people, can pay for it. It doesn't have to be either/or

i will hopefully have another - now 38 with newborn - i would go for it - i think you could have lifelong regrets if you dont x

I know SSSandy. If I'm truly honest, in my heart I know I want another child as does DH. Must go now because this is making me cry.

speedymama oh no,
why is it making you cry? Isn't it wonderful that you have a great dh who wants a baby too? That you have a great job lined up that you're looking forward to?

Isn't that all positive?

Are you worried that if you have a baby now, there may be something "wrong" with the baby?

SSSandy, I do worry about something being wrong with the baby but we would keep it and love it unconditionally, no question. I momentarily became sad because I finally realised that I really do want to try for another baby next year when DH has finished his final exams. I don't know why I felt sad but I am really positive now because I am being true to myself and my deep seated desires.

Thanks SSSandy and everyone for your words of wisdom. I now have a plan

Awww, I'm nearly in tears for you! Sounds like you've found your answer . Fingers crossed it's not twins again .

oh this is something that often makes me really sad. would really, really love to have another one, but am getting older and its not happened yet. We have one DS - 3.9 years. I do really wish i had had children in my 20s then maybe wouldnt have the problems of ttc now. Plus DS has multiple allergies. Only met my DH when I was 30. I feel sad cos I already feel regretful of not having more children. DH isnt bothered about having more children and doesnt feel any regrets. Maybe he will in years to come.