Help needed from clever wordsmiths please!

[marthamoo]

This is on behalf of my brother! He is doing the wedding invitations for his friend and has done the formal bit "request the pleasure of" blablah. They aren't having a wedding list as such, but want to include a little card with words to the effect that while all they want really is for people to come and share their special day IF people want to get a gift they would like vouchers from X and Y.

I'm a bit stuck...maybe something along the lines of:

Eric and Ermintrude just want you to come and be a part of their special day but if you would like to..[and that's where I'm stuck!]

It's hard to word - it's like "we don't want presents (well, of course we do, everyone likes pressies, but it's a bit cheeky as we've been living together for years) but we know you'll probably want to get us one so in that case we'd like vouchers from X&Y"

Better wording ideas please!

aloha and MrsCoddy!
Soupy, sorry mistook your response but no offence taken anyway, hide as tough as any seasoned MNer!

too right!

the woman in preston was very sweet about redirecting our calls! 01772 not 01722

I wanted to but dhs family (extended) are from herefordshire - the land that time and retail forgot.

No apologies it is an awful place

I think evening dos are fine - surely it's a nice way to include lots of people instead of cauing offence by not being able to afford to invite everyone to the whole day.
I also think wedding lists are a good practical idea, so that people don't waste money giving you things that you don't like and never use.

I speak as someone who couldn't be faffed with all that stuff and went abroad to get married.

Blimey Coddy!

None of my friends minded at all that they had to buy their own drinks at my wedding, and I certainly wouldn't expect to go to a wedding and not buy a drink. Does this mean that people on a v tight budget should not have a wedding reception unless they can afford to provide booze for everyone?

We didn't put anything except the invite in the post, but we put dh's website address on the invite. The website had all the info about the day, maps, times, where to park, how to get from church to food and a link hidden away to a list held at John Lewis if people wanted to get us something. Seemed to work well and people seemed to reply quite quickly to the invite by email as well. After the day, we put wedding snaps up on the website and said that there were pictures there in our (handwritten) thank you cards.

that's the first time I've ever heard the opinion that you shouldn't have a bar at a wedding function. Every wedding I've been to (and they have all been very different), they have had free wine/champagne at meal and then bar in the evening. Thought this was standard.

We had free wine/champeagn at the meal and £X amount behind the bar to cover some free drinks - no idea how much! After that, it was a pay-for-your-own set up, very like most other weddings we'd been to. Most venues seem to object to you bringing your own alcohol in if they have a bar!

A free bar is a difficult one - very few venues would let you do this without charging some sort of corkage. Probably about half the weddings I've been to (which is not that many!) had free bars - the others were pay bars, but we weren't bothered by that. Weddings are expensive for everyone!

Corkage was one of the reasons why we ended up having a marquee at my Mum and Dad's place - we were fortunate in that they live in a fabulous setting with plenty of space for a big marquee (it's a big house that has been divided into 6 flats). We were then able to choose our own caterer and get a good deal on wine from Oddbins on sale or return. We didn't offer much of choice - bubbly (Cava), white wine, red wine and beer - although my Dad did decide we needed some whisky, just in case!

We found that becuase it WAS freely availalbe, people didn't actually drink that much! Or maybe, they were so busy dancing to the ceilidh band they didn't have time!

Becasue we were able to do it ourselves, it actually cost us LESS than the equivalent numbers would have cost at hotel, with a pay bar.

I think a free bar is a relatively recent thing. When I got married, the norm was wine with the meal and two drinks foc after.

Re lists, I used to be anti-lists but am now very much for them. If there isn't one in with the invitation I start huffing and puffing cos I have to make a phone call to find out what the happy couple want and then search it out.

My hairdresser had a huge wedding in a big fancy stately home, blah-de-blah, but the marriage only lasted for 10 months. I almost felt I should ask for my pressie to be returned!

In my experience putting money behind the bar is asking for trouble. I've worked in prestigiuos hotels and wedding venues and when ever anyone put money/credit card behind a bar, they get told it's run out when it actually hasn't. So the venue makes say £100 for doing nothing. It's a classic trick for the venue to make a good liquor GP that month. Best way is for allotted guests, say Father of Bride, Best Men etc to keep buying rounds that way you don't get ripped off. And it's never cheaper to take your own wine cause you get stung on corkage.

Noone will convince me that asking for gifts in ANY way is anything other than greedy and grasping! I think a wedding is like any other party - the host provides for his/her guests without expecting anything in return.The fact some people buy gifts you don't like when you could have pointed them to gifts you do does not make lists in good taste IMHO. You would not do that for your birthday. If gifts are given they should be at least as much about the giver as the receiver.
No need to shoot me down about this I am well aware it is an unfashionable opinion . I think the whole western world is so bloody greedy and materialistic and wedidng lists are a classic example. It is completely differeant if someone phones you up and says Hey we want to buy you something you'd like, whatdya fancy? But "Come to our wedding and buy us x or y or z " WHoa!

Drastic - I totally agree. We had a wedding list at Debenhams, but only told people when they asked. We were given little cards to put into the invitations, so that people would know where our list was. I refused to include them, as I was aware that it seemed grasping. Since then, I have received two invitations where a wedding list was included. I was tempted to buy the couple something really naff instead!

I didn't expect this thread to run!

My thoughts: I think gifts are a part of weddings and wouldn't dream of going to one without taking a gift. I always try and choose something that will last - like the idea of the happy couple using it in years to come and saying "oooh, MM got us this when we got married." Purely from a practical point of view, lists are much better - I would much rather get someone something I know they want/like/need. A friend of mine got married recently and didn't have a list - I have never seen her house (we were friends at school and she lives hundreds of miles away). I wandered round the shops trying to find something practical, beautiful, and unique enough that no-one else would buy them one and I was cursing her for not having a list!

Lists have become popular precisely because times have changed. Years ago, most people moved straight from the parental home to the marital home. So you could buy practical presents and know you were getting them something useful. My Mum and Dad still have the ironing board they got as a present 39 years ago - how many people these days need basics like that? I still think weddings warrant a pressie though!

When I do object is when the list is very expensive. Friends of mine had a list at Debenhams and the cheapest thing on it was fifty quid (champagne flutes - bl**dy cheek!) They had been living together for years and as far as I could see used the wedding as a way of getting nicer replacement things for stuff they already had (sheets, towels, pans etc.) They're divorced now anyway.
Another wedding list I heard of had stuff for the couples' three kids on (they had lived together for about 15 years) - Barbie duvet cover, computer desk for teenage son etc. Outrageous!

I really don't agree that it's greedy and grasping to have a reasonable wedding list - people WANT to buy presents, and I think it makes things easier all round.

Coddy - re:free bars - you must know some very well off people, I think I've only been to one wedding with a free bar. I think that's fair enough - some drinks (with the meal, champagne etc.) provided but if you want to get bladdered you should do it with your own money.

OMG Davros!!!! Just read your thing about the rings!!!!!! Is it possible? Lovely friend, but my god! How on earth are you going to do that? PECS it out Velcro on the bridal gown

What a wonderful friend though!

Well..here in the States lots of couples do a registry at the store that they want the gifts from. The couple selects the things that they want ahead of time and the store keeps a "registry" of the items. Your guests can call the store and select a gift from the registry, do they not have that over in the UK??

If you did have that you could simply say that you were "registered" at X&Y and maybe that would not be as bold? Good luck MarthaMoo!

I would not dream of putting anything like that on my invitations (I would feel too guilty and maybe rude--have a hard time accepting gifts I do) and we eloped to avoid everything, but it is really common over here so there you go!

My ds and his dw had a registry in LA, Sunchowder. Well, two in fact, one at Bloomingdales and one at Crate & Barrel. They were given so much lovely stuff from the registers and, because she is Jewish, they were given some gorgeous things for Shabbat and other festivals. People were incredibly generous and they now have what they call The Wall of Presents. They have stuff dh and I have never had and probably never will, lol! Sadly, they can't afford their own home in which to put them, just yet.

I adore both Crate and Barrel and Bloomies, they just built a new Mall here, the Millennia that you could go to when you are on holiday in Orlando and visit both of them. Crate and Barrel has such reasonable prices really. I always love hearing about your son and his wife! I have a brother and SIL that just had twins in Santa Barbara, they are coming to visit me on March 24!! The twins will be just six months then, I can't wait to see them and squeeze them, and kiss them all over..Her mom is big in real esate there so she helped them get quite a deal on the home they are in now which has beautiful mountain views. It is terribly expensive to live there, but they love it.

I know Jimjams. I didn't think she was serious about them carrying the rings and just wanted to invite us all, but she is serious. Luckily she's an ABA supervisor with a BCABA qualification so if she can't do it, nobody can! The Chief Bridesmaid, who will be helping them, is also a very experienced ABA tutor (7 years) who worked with our son for 4 years or more and is still a very good friend. We've got until next year.....

How exciting about the twins, Sunchowder! Boys, girls or one of each? We didn't get to Santa Barbara on our visit last summer. We set out for it, but the traffic was so horrendous, we only got as far as Ventura!

I liked Crate & Barrel, too, nice shop. Bloomingdales is good, so much choice!

We can't all afford to visit again this year but I might go out on my own to see them around Nov/Dec time. It's less hot for me, too, at that time of year.

DAvros - that's lovely about the rings!