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Original poster

Mornings have never been a good time for dd1 (7) BUT

18 replies

earlgrey · 17/07/2006 12:02

This morning, as I was brushing her hair, she snatched the brush out of my hand and said 'For goodness sake, if you can't do it properly, I will.

I was truly shocked, neither H nor I use that phrase, but she was really angry. Am I working myself into a lather about nothing?

OP posts:

frogs · 17/07/2006 12:10

That is rude, and I would point that out in no uncertain terms. Also suggest that the appropriate phrase would be, "Please may I do that myself?"

OTOH, I'm certainly not in the business of doing things for my children that they're perfectly capable of doing themselves, so in future I'd leave her to do it. Frankly, in our house of a morning, anyone who wants their hair brushed is welcome to find a hairbrush and get on with it. And that includes the 2yo...

Original poster

earlgrey · 17/07/2006 12:15

frogs, I wish I could be like that. Somewhere along the line I've developed this 'mustn't answer back the children or they'll do it to you' thing, and I can see it's all wrong.

Mum came up last week, picked up on it and said 'Don't talk to mummy like that'. Consequently, when she left, dds said 'Nanny was very bossy today'.

Funny thing is, dd2 isn't like it at all. She's more likely to cry if you pick her up on something. Which I guess is why I don't with her, but I seldom need to.

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Feistybird · 17/07/2006 12:25

My response would've been along the lines of 'Get you, you cheeky madam - speak to me like that again and you won't be at dancing class/swimming (or whatever) this week'.

But as frogs said it's DIY hairbrushing in this house.

ziggiz · 17/07/2006 12:34

I would agree with the "get you cheeky madam etc" response. (However, I too would be brushing my 7 year old's hair she practices at other times.) It's... well lets just say amazingly(!) hard bringing up children, but such a response would be a big warning sign to me to bring in the reins and fast. Best of luck!

frogs · 17/07/2006 12:41

Hmm. 7 is about the age where they start to discover that adults aren't infallible, and that sometimes they might be right about things and their parents wrong. Which is all hunkydory as far as it goes, but doesn't give them the right to treat other people rudely. You may need to develop a 'policy' for these kind of incidents, as they won't be going away. They may as well learn at home that that particular tone of voice is not acceptable, before they try it out on their teachers. [cringe emoticon]

From what I see around us, there is some kind of connection between parents doing things for children that they could do themselves (like carrying schoolbags for 10yo for example wtf is that about?) and a tendency on the part of the children to take that particular snotty tone with their parents, and with other people for that matter. The most extreme example I've encountered is that woman who writes the 'Living with Teenagers' column in the family section of the Saturday Guardian what is she on, being told to 'F*ck off' by her teenagers and then making them nice little sandwiches? Surely she's just teaching them that it doesn't matter how you treat people, they'll do things for you anyway?

My children get (I think) more responsibility than others wrt housework and care of younger siblings, but also quite a bit more freedom than other children. I think they know I will give consideration to pretty much any argument or request as long as it's presented in a reasonable way. What I absolutely will not put up with is being spoken to like a piece of dirt on the bottom of their shoe. That's not to say they don't do it, but they know that it's not okay, and that they'll get a better response by being vaguely polite.

shimmy21 · 17/07/2006 12:43

TBH, I don't thnk that what dd said is really so very shocking. Yes, I would have told her not to speak to me like that but at 7 the drive for independence is overwhelming, parents become exasperating and our precious babies start to say things that we don't say. What exactly do you object to most? - the 'For Goodness sake', the snatching, or the accusation that you're not doing her hair properly? None of them seem overly shocking to me (although not the best manners, I agree).

Original poster

earlgrey · 17/07/2006 12:53

God, you're wise, frogs. Thank you for that.

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Enid · 17/07/2006 12:55

I would have laughed

then made sure she did it herself (hurray!) in future

Original poster

earlgrey · 17/07/2006 12:56

shimmy, it could be a drive for independance, and it worries me that some days, some times, I'm reluctant to relinquish their need for me. Nonetheless, I still have to address the rudeness bit. Thanks to you all for being able to share this.

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Flossam · 17/07/2006 12:58

Enid, sorry to thread crash, but you live near my mum and wondered if you knew of any lovely places she could go for a treat this thread here please ?

Original poster

earlgrey · 17/07/2006 12:58

The problem is, one's got hair like mine (a Brillo pad, if I didn't temper it) and the other has plaits down to her bum, so in this household it's not a case of 'get on with it yourself, then'.

But I realise there's a wider issue here.

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Earlybird · 17/07/2006 13:00

Why not let her try to do it herself? She can ask you if she needs help....and hopefully she'll ask in a civil tone.

Enid · 17/07/2006 13:05

I would have laughed as thats exactly what I say to dh

but seriously do make a stand about being spoken to like a 'skivvy' ( that's my mother talking there)

frogs · 17/07/2006 13:55

I'm not wise (ha!), just have a pathological aversion to being spoken to like I'm the children's personal flunkey. 'Fraid I have now stolen my mum's pet phrases, "What did your last slave die of?", "I was not put here on this earth to be your little maid" and "Don't you look at me in that tone of voice". The latter one drives the kids wild because of the illogicality of it, but they know what I mean.

Original poster

earlgrey · 17/07/2006 14:16

LOL, frogs. Can't wait to try them out.

Trouble is, I feel so guilty saying things like that, which I know is completely irrational.

But I'm rubbing my hands together now at the thought of it ....

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Original poster

earlgrey · 17/07/2006 14:18

BTW, frogs, mine are 6 and 7. Could they handle that, do you think?

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frogs · 17/07/2006 14:36

Depends on the general tone of interaction in your house, I'm guessing. Down in the frog pond, I've been saying this stuff for years, albeit in a generally fairly jokey tone, so they take it on the chin. But there is a certain satisfaction in finding yourself coming out with all the wisecracks you used to hate when your mum said them: "It'll be where you left it"; "It hasn't got little legs to walk, has it?"; "If you want a drink, you know where the tap is"; "Well, I'm not everybody else's mother"; "I'm not a short-order cook, you know".

But seriously, the world isn't going to revolve around them, so they may as well hear the bad news from you.

Original poster

earlgrey · 17/07/2006 15:44

Frogs, that's just it!

My best friend has a 'tone' that goes up down, up down, up down, up down ... NOW. With a bit of an authorative, but not unkind, lilt to it.

I've never been able to master that.

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