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Original poster

The way she talked to ds really upset me - or am I overreacting?

22 replies

emkana · 16/07/2006 20:29

Last week I saw a friend for the first time since having ds. At the end of the visit she held ds and stroked his hair and talked to him, saying "poor cute little ds... you will need a lot of help in your life... but lots of people will be there for you... poor cute little ds" over and over.
Now I know she meant well and I appreciate the kindness behind the words but I still hated it when she did that. For a start, ds hasn't even been diagnosed, even though this friend had it all sussed out in her mind when we talked about the short limbs - apparently she saw a short person in the BBC series Bleak House (I didn't see it) and that's how she reckons ds will be - how she knows this I don't know. Secondly, even if a diagnosis of dwarfism of some kind is made it doesn't necessarily mean that ds will need lots of help in his life - he might be perfectly able to live a completely independent life, I didn't like it how she was making assumptions about what his life would be like.

Am I overreacting? I probably am, but it's something that obviously is pretty raw for me atm.

OP posts:

FioFio · 16/07/2006 20:30

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Pixiefish · 16/07/2006 20:31

no you're not overreacting and i agree with you that she meant well but was very insensitive

sobernow · 16/07/2006 20:37

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Chandra · 16/07/2006 20:41

WHAT? I'm very angry in your behalf? I would have stoped her in the act, although your baby can not yet understand her words, what does she think she is doing? undermining a little human baing with pittyness?

Emkana, the best friend of my father suffered from polio as a child. He once told me that his father taught him never to accept pitty from anyone, that he was as capable as any other person to do with his life as he pleased.

He took it to the letter and it worked for him. Although the polio left clear signals of his previous illness, it was difficult to remember he had so many problems walking after speaking to him for a while, he was certainly a free spirit and did more with his life, by himself and on his own, than many of his friends.

Your friend is calling for a serious talk.

SSSandy · 16/07/2006 20:41

I would have been offended by that.

sobernow · 16/07/2006 20:47

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SecurMummy · 16/07/2006 20:52

Yesw she was insensitive - but insensitive because she cares, which (IMHO) is btter than someone who just says "ooh cute bub" and thrusts him back without any acknowledgement of everything that you, he and your family may yet have to face.

I know you prob have ideas about how and what you want to happen, but your friends don't know those yet. You are going to have to educate them into your way on thinking - and (TBH) grow a thick skin - some may never learn but you can deal with these as time goes on.

edam · 16/07/2006 21:15

That was highly insensitive. I expect she meant well, but it's still an amazingly rude way to put it - assuming she was trying to say something about being around to support you. And it's amazing how people latch onto the one fact they know about illness Y or condition X and think they are instant experts...

Original poster

emkana · 16/07/2006 22:05

I wouldn't say she is one of my closest friends, she has a bit of a "talent" for coming out with strange remarks, even though she is very well-meaning. I just didn't like it how she sort of put ds into a drawer so to speak, even though I was explaining to her that there are over 200 types of skeletal dysplasias and the doctors have no idea which one if any he has, and also as I say even if he will be short that doesn't necessarily mean he will need lots of help, does it?

OP posts:

threebob · 16/07/2006 22:11

Different here but ds has lots of allergies and had shocking skin when a baby, but I never let anyone go down the "poor ds" route.

All babies need a lot of help, and all people need people to be there for them.

curtaintwitcher · 16/07/2006 22:13

I can understand you being angry as it is setting him up for a 'inferior' life when as a friend she should help you promote his independence and positives...espcially with no diagnosis being made. However can also see that she was probably trying to offer you and your son support and a level of understanding.

Chandra · 16/07/2006 22:20

Agree with Threebob, DS's doctor also emphasised that it was very important never to make a fuss out of his problem. According to him that can only help to convince the kid that he is real trouble, which he is not.

Chandra · 16/07/2006 22:21

sorry... he is IN real trouble, which he isn't in.

sobernow · 16/07/2006 22:23

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2shoes · 16/07/2006 22:34

I know how you feel when dd was born sm put her on the church prayes list. ok she was in icu at the time.
but when i found out they were still praying for her months later i was a bit put out. they meant well but found it hard to explain to them how i felt.

Original poster

emkana · 16/07/2006 22:40

I just want him to grow up believing that everything is possible and that he can do anything he likes, not that he is at a disadvantage from the word go.

OP posts:

2shoes · 16/07/2006 22:44

anything is possible.

schneebly · 16/07/2006 22:47

I would have been peeved by this tbh! She may mean well but what does she know? The doctors don't even know yet FGS!

threebob · 17/07/2006 00:06

I know a little girl who got the "poor you" treatment and she is a complete nightmare - if her mum disciplines her she threatens to scratch her skin until it bleeds.

I try to make hospitals, doctors and blood tests a fun trip out - to see something different and have a new experience. I will not let people however well meaning let him realise that other people do not see the world like him.

I think you should just firmly but cheerfully say "we will cross all our bridges when we come to them and not before" and then talk about how amazing his smile was the other day or how much his hair has grown. Anybody with any sense will take their cue from you.

Hallgerda · 17/07/2006 08:12

I agree with Chandra's excellent post.

However, I agree with others that your friend is essentially well meaning. I would tell her what you think of her attitude as soon as you feel able to do so calmly.

Piffle · 17/07/2006 08:24

We have had this with PIl, saying poor dd, why did she have to get this syndrome, poor little lass.
They place their expectations of an NT child onto your baby.
It does come from a godo place, what they really mean and I have had this out with PIL is that, they are worried that dd will have obstacles to overcome that they wish she did not have to overcome IYSWIM.
Hope Sebastian is doing well, I know several people, adults (one who has twins with dwarfism as well) and kids with it and they ahve had perfectly fulfulling lives, both twins were in my ds's year group and they were very popular outgoing lads.

Original poster

emkana · 17/07/2006 14:25

I'm glad to see that it wasn't a total overreaction on my part.

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