Feeling upset by DS's school report

[Lemmingswife]

It seems he is starting to really slip behind & I feel sure that a lot of it could be due to me not doing enough with him at home this year, due to the level of stress I have been under.
When he was in reception, he was in the top group, although had trouble with his concentration & social skills.
In year 1, he was moved down to the middle group, as with his concentration & fine motor difficulties, he couldn't keep up with top table. I felt fine about this, as I would rather he was in a group where he would cope.
Today I get his school report & it states that he is below average for numeracy, writing (which I was aware of) & DT. It also states that he has trouble concentrating & to make sure he tries harder next year.
He has problems & ticks pretty much every box for dyspraxia, but I feel really down after reading his report & feel like I have been a bad Mum & not helped him enough.
I have always tried to make sure I hear him read every night, but I have been so taken over by what has been happening at home, that I haven't done as much with him as I should.
I am having a serious bad Mummy moment!

I think it was made worse by a friend nipping round & asking how DS1's report was & then going on to tell me how many subjects her DS had come out as above average in.

This may be a bit controversial, but I really don't place a huge amount of emphasis on infant education. For me, the main task is to get children enjoying education for itself, learning to socialise and work in group situations, etc. Obviously, learning to read and write and do some basic arithmetic is important, but my view (having 3 boys having gone through to junior and beyond) is that those aspects are more important at junior level.

What I look for at this stage is - are they happy? are they coping in class? are they getting on with their peers?

Please remember that boys develop later than girls. In many countries children don't actually start formal education until age 6/7, so he's actually ahead of that.

Certainly parental input is important, but please don't castigate yourself for appearing to fail your child when you have been going through such stress at home. Part of his slipping back may be due to the tension at home and, when H has gone, he may improve because of the lessening of a strained atmosphere. Also, when H has gone, you can devote more time to those aspects where you feel (note feel - it doesn't mean that it is true) you have been less diligent.

And remember you are being the best mum in the world by getting them out of a situation which would lead them to be less rounded individuals in the future.

Oh, and your friend was hardly going to call round and tell you that her child was cr*p at everything, was she?? There was clearly an agenda to her visit.

I agree with Freckle about infant education. However I have a 7 year old DD who does have a diagnosis of dyspraxia, so a slightly different perspective because of it. I think that if you feel he has dyspraxia that maybe you should think about pushing for an assessment. Life has been a whole load easier for my DD since then. She has been for physio & OT (about to start another course), has a weekly session with the SENCO), has a writing board and triangular pencil. As a result she is doing loads better, but more importantly to me, her self confidence has risen hugely. I will admit to not doing much with DD at home at all really. We go through phases when we do the reading and spellings, but have long periods where we don't. Please, please don't feel that you are failing him, you really aren't.

Oh Lemmings, I'd give you a virtual hug if I wasn't so anti-hugging! The other posters are right to say it's not that important to be ahead, or even in the middle, what's important is getting him any help he needs with the dyspraxia and getting both of you out of a distressing situation.

Freckle's right that such tiny children aren't necessarily geared up for formal learning, the countries which start them later tend to do better academically.

Thank you both for making me feel a little better.
DS has an IEP & is under school action. He has a triangular pencil, as he has terrible problems with his handwriting.
I looked on the dyspraxia site & was so taken aback as to how perfectly it all described my DS. I printed it off & ticked all boxes that applied. I then gave it to the school SENCO, who was also taken aback at how much of it described DS & has taken a copy.
She said that she will push for an assessment, but will wait until things have calmed down at home first.
He has real concentration problems, which may explain his slip back, but I am worried it may also have something to do with me not being a good enough Mummy over the last year.

Thanks, edam.

Lemmingswife, please don't feel guilty about your ds.
You are doing the best you can for him at the present time - that's all any of us can ever do - there's nothing perfect in this life, LW.

Ther is no proof that your home circs have caused your ds to "slip back", from what you've said he needs extra help at school. Hope you get it next academic year.

Bollocks, LW. I can't see anywhere that you have managed to be anything but a great mum. If anyone is to blame, then it is your H who has put you and your children under intolerable strain. Does he have any idea what his continued presence in the home is doing??

You have always thought about your children and what is best for them. He has always thought about what control he has and what is best for him.

Please don't beat yourself up about this - although you will because mums usually do because of the guilt which entered when the placenta came out!

Just look forward to how much you can help him next year. Press for an assessment of his condition. From threads on here and elsewhere, it is clear that schools have to be put under enormous pressure to do what is right by children who need that extra help.

I have a bit of trouble with this Year 1 etc lark _ I never know what age they start counting from - how old is your DS?

I have mentioned DS's problems to my HV too, hoping she may push for an assessment, but she is cautious to get him labelled at this stage because of home circs. I am 95% sure he has dyspraxia though, as the symptoms describe him perfectly.
I was feeling pretty tearful earlier about it all, but I am not feeling on top form in general atm, so it doesn't take much!
My DS is 6, Iklboo.

I'm sorry I don't know what your home circumstances are but I can tell you categorically that if he has dyspraxia, concentration problems are part and parcel of this. From what I have seen with my DD things go in peaks and troughs anyway. I am a little dubious about your SENCO as if she has a child who is having problems with writing etc to the extent that he already has an IEP & pencil etc, then I would have thought she would have approached you to ask you about his development up until now to see whether dyspraxia might be an issue. You've got the whole summer for him to have a break from the pressures of school, which is a lot for them at this age. I personally would completely forget about doing anything with him apart from maybe going to the library and letting him chose a couple of books to read. Then when you go back in September ask for another meeting with the SENCO and ask her to make the referral for an assessement. Regardless of whether there are issues at home, with him matching so many of the list for dyspraxia it is important that he is referred. It sounds from the other posts as if you have a lot on your plate at the moment and I'm sure that this is the last thing you feel like dealing with at the moment and I do feel for you. If I can help in anyway with the whole dyspraxia bit, please don't hesitate to ask me.

Thank you, kittypickle.
When I presented the list to the SENCO, she said "Oh goodness, I had never thought of dyspraxia, but yes, he really does fit a lot of these symptoms, doesn't he?!"
I think I may have to go through my gp & push for an assessment, as I am worried about him facing the challanges of year 2 & want as much extra help & understanding as possible.

There was a sheet that went alongside the report, which was meant to be filled in by the child. It was just a little tick list to say how they feel they have done at school & then they were to write about their favourite lessons etc.
My DS had to have his scribed by his TA, as he finds writing so difficult.

They did say he had made good progress with his reading though & hearing him read every night, is something I have been consistant with, even when very stressed!
I will leave him to have a relaxing holiday & then try to be a better Mum next term!

By the sound of it seeing the GP would be a good idea. I was lucky with the school and they referred her straight away at my request in reception after the first few weeks when I suddenly clicked after parents evening and a discussion about pencil grip and her forthcoming speech therapy appointment. If they hadn't have been so good about it I would have had to use my GP as the other route.

I know the idea of Year 2 seems daunting but I personally feel the transition from Reception to Year 1 was harder. And I bet you that the writing will improve. My DD used to write 2 sentences maximum, then the classroom assistant would scribe for her or she would talk into a tape recorder. Her teacher the other day said the problem she has now is trying to slow her down ! Also, she couldn't read at all until just after Christmas in Year 1, so just over a year ago. This term she had one of the highest scores in SATS results for reading in her class. So honestly, they do get there. They are still so young at the moment and what goes on now is absolutely no reflection of how they will do later in life. I don't know whether he is taking fish oils but I do find they make a difference with DD after a few weeks when we can get her down them.

And with the reading to him everynight, I think you are fanastic ! I have failed miserably with that this year. I bet you anything that this report will be a horrible memory in a year or two. The most important thing in this whole thing is that you ditch the guilt right now, this very second, as you honestly have nothing to feel guilty about. It's the SENCO who has a bit of explaining to do in my opinion.

That is excellent that your DD did so well in her SATS, kittypickle!
I think the move from Reception to year 1 was quite a shock to DS, as Reception was very play based.
I have tried the fish oils, but cannot get them down him! I now buy the probiotic drinks which have omega3 in them.

Think I will go & pour myself a large drink now & try to chill!

Sympathy Lemmingswife.

I could have written your thread title today. My children's reports came out today and ds1 and dd did very well (dd almost perfectly) but ds2's report is very disappointing. He was identified as G&T at our last school (and no, I am not here to boast) and had a ner perfect report at his new schol last year, but this year's report is a huge disappointment. Instead of all 1s (they are graded 1-3) he has many 2s and even one 3. Yet he is probably the brightest child in his year! Would the fact that I don't think his teacher likes him one bit have anything to do with it? I am fuming.

Sorry to hear that your DS had a dissapointing report too, Dumbledoresgirl.

I do think your SENCO has a lot of explaining to do. If he ticked so many "boxes", it should have been obvious to anyone trained in these things that he was/is dyspraxic. Why did it not occur to your SENCO that this might be a possibility? Is your SENCO properly trained or just someone shoved into a job no one else wanted?

She is properly trained, Freckle & has been with us for 5 years now. She was just thinking down the AS road & I know the two can be closely linked, but it was when I tried doing some homework with DS & noticed he not only had real trouble writing, but could not keep on a line etc, that dyspraxia alarm bells started ringing for me.
I looked on a dyspraxia website (linked on a MN thread) & was so alarmed at how many of the symptoms fitted DS perfectly.
I then told her about it & showed her the list.
She is also my line manager at work, so knows about the situation we are in. This is why she is delaying referring him, but I would rather he was referred, as his problems in school are another huge thing on my mind & will not go away.
I want his year 2 teacher to have some understanding of DS's problems & I want some kind of help for him.

I am a bit alarmed that she didn't suspect it though, as as you say, she should be trained in recognising these things.
I found the info & went to her with it and she then said "Oh yes, I hadn't thought of dyspraxia"
He has problems with concentration, fine & gross motor skills, organising himself & is very lathargic. They are all classic symptoms of dyspraxia.