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Original poster

Friendship... what does it mean to you?

20 replies

unicorn · 12/07/2006 23:41

Having had a 'friend' of many years decide that she was no longer going to be my friend (I had upset the apple cart - another thread entirely!) - and having met many more generous spirited people in the interim - I just wonder what friendship really means to everyone?

OP posts:
nannyme · 13/07/2006 00:02

I think there are categories.

'School gate' friends
As the title suggests.
I have a lot of these and many of them I really gel with but don't see often enough to become really close to. The don't generally know me warts and all.

My 'lovely people' friends:
They started out as colleagues, aquaintances, friends of friends, etc.
We share several common interests but not necessarily same age or stage of life.
Our friendhip has grown out of a pattern of helping one another out.
Before you know it they turn into:

'Can call after midnight' friends
These are friends I can rely on in a crisis. They understand the ins-and outs of every situation or pickle I find myself in.
Woud drop everything for these friends.
They know the ebst and the worst of me and accept and love me still as I love them! (fluffy)

Friendships these days increasingly fall into category 1 while call after midnight friends seem to decrease a little but I like to think I have kept the best friends!

The worst killer of friendships is lack of time for communicating. However, my bestest most brilliant friends forgive sporadic emails and calls and still let me call after midnight in a crisis having not spoken to them for months. I do the same.

Original poster
unicorn · 13/07/2006 00:04

see I never realised that before there are friendship layers - I always thought friends were just, well friends whatever.

I think you are so right nannyme.

OP posts:
nannyme · 13/07/2006 00:15

Yeah, but I rather like your 'friends are friends' notion. I wish it could be that simple. Maybe it is, but I am not finding so personally. I hate the way it takes aeons to get to the 'really comfortable with you' stage in friendships.

Chandra · 13/07/2006 00:20

Erm... I'm a bit on the other end... for me friends are those that I can call after midnight, the people I can rely on, or those who rely on me. The rest are aquaintances

fattiemumma · 13/07/2006 00:22

sadly i have very few catagory 1 freinds and no catagory 3 freinds!

i thinkn your right that tehre are stages of freindship. sadly becasue i ahev had to move so far from the place i cal home and have had t give up all contact with my freinds for fear of xp finding me i have had to start again.
its a shame it takes so long to build u solid freindships as i could really do with some at the moment.

th9ught tere shoudl be anothercatagory.. MN freinds. i have "met" some fantastic freinds over the net. in manyt cases i would tell my net freinds far more than i would any RL freinds. is that odd? i just feel i can open up more on here as i dont really "know" any of you.

figleaf · 13/07/2006 00:22

I`ve got friends that Ive had since university or perhaps from when I worked (SAHM now)that I feel close to but dont see enough to stop me feeling lonely. Ive made friends with wives of my husbands friends too and they fall into this category. We can spend happy weekends with these people as our guests or them visiting us but I find I need day to day contact with people to be happy with my lot.

I have school gate friends too. I have tried (to greater or lesser degree) to develop some of these into proper friendships ie involving social contact other than school gate.

The kind of friend I have least of is the sort to whome I am important. I need to explain that as it sounds strange. I seem to be the friend that folk ring in a crisis. I seem to be the reliable type to look after kids, cry on shoulder or get advice from but the people that ask/get these things are never around me when they`re happy eg they dont say "fancy taking the dog for a walk this morning" they ask someone else. "Fancy coming shopping" they do that with someone else, they dont seem to need "coffee and a chat" with me (unless there is a problem) so I'm left feeling that I dont make it onto their radar in a "day to day" sence. I find this unsatisfying and kind of think I must have some personality trait that makes me either doormatish or perhaps that I'm boaring after a while.

figleaf · 13/07/2006 00:25

Hugs Fattimumma. I should have mentioned MN friends.

Chandra · 13/07/2006 00:29

Figleaf, I'm a bit like that too but in a way I preffer it. For example, a very good friend of mine was a pleasure to talk with, although we mostly talked about our respective problems... going out with her... ermh, that normally meant be on my own pretending not to see that she had snogged 2-3 men by the time we have to run out because her boyfriend had seen her. So, although the escapades did give an adventure mood to the friendship I very much preffered our conversations over a coffee.

Chandra · 13/07/2006 00:32

P.S. Mumsnet friends can be called after midnight, and are honest and objective as a very good friend, so... quite in a league of their own.

figleaf · 13/07/2006 00:33

Chandra I think I gust want to be included because someone wants my company. Not because of the other reasons. Its what nannyme calls the comfortable with you stage that I want.

nikkie · 13/07/2006 00:33

I don't have many friends, only one 'crisis' friend.
Most of the people I was close friends with stopped visiting when I got my house/married/kids
most of my friends now are work related and have started to get friendly with some mums (but don't fit in well with them either as they are all married).I'm not good at putting the effort into friendships.

nannyme · 13/07/2006 00:43

Nodding at much of this!

I've made stage 2 friends in RL with Internet contacts and also with one or two work clients.

I find that as I get older I am both glad and sad that the friends I make are less and less likely to become people I can or will reveal myself to fully.

I mean, I have newish friends that I am very transparent and open with but who I wouldn't have giggly girlish conversations with as I do with my very old friends.

My newer friendships have a sort of detachment and seriousness about them which I guess is due to increasing responsibility and maturity (more likely to 'need' them to collect the children for me than to help me with my love life!)

I miss stuff like doing hair and make up together before nights out even though it has been years and years since I did all that! God, it feels like years and years since I had a night out apart from with partner...

singledadofthree · 13/07/2006 00:57

oi nikkie

what are you doing listening to sad music?

ok so friends are for what?....so what's up?

figleaf · 13/07/2006 01:01

sad music? did I miss a post on here or are you refering to RL sdo3

nikkie · 13/07/2006 01:01

works night out on friday, bloke I fancy going, me trying not to fancy him when drunk, heading for disaster ?

singledadofthree · 13/07/2006 01:02

whats wrong with fancying him then? you can always seduce him and stay sober...ish

nikkie · 13/07/2006 01:02

he is referring to another thread!

figleaf · 13/07/2006 01:04

Off to bed for me - night everyone.

nikkie · 13/07/2006 01:04

he has a sort of gf, work relationships, he would be so bad for me.......the list goes on!

nikkie · 13/07/2006 01:05

night figleaf

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