Domestic Violence - does this sound right to you wise MNers?

[sparkly1]

Currently quite annoyed (annoyed isn't the right word but best I can think of) with a friend over something. She has a friend who has been in an abusive relationship for about 2 years now. These two used to be flatmates but the one in the bad relationship moved out about 2 months ago and in with the boyfriend. I've met the woman and she is really lovely so why she is with him is beyond me.

Apparently last week he beat her quite badly. She says she called 999 but that the police said they were "too busy" to respond. Surely that could never happen, could it? I mean, what if she had been killed? I can't see the Met Police treating domestic violence so lightly. I've suggested to my friend that perhaps her friend didn't call the police at all. I really, truly can't see how she could have and they would not have come. I can see why she'd lie about it. She's in a dreadful situation. She doesn't want her close friends to think she did nothing about it. I think my friend is being naive about it all.

I have told her to take her friend to Women's Aid. I've also said that if the police did not respond then she should take that further given the beating she took. She is bruised all over and has a perforated ear drum.

Dunno but the police have been known to say they are too busy to attend incidents before now so I'd guess it was possible. A man (or maybe two, can't recall correctly) was killed in Tooting after the police said they were too busy to attend a ruck on the street where a car was surrounded by a gang of lads.

despite multiple calls from passers-by, btw.

I'm afriad there is always the possibilty that police couldn't attned the call so something else was happening that was taking up their ressources, despite this the call should have been followed up , even if an officer attended the following morning to make sure that everything was OK.

If she did call 999 the incident would have been tagged for the unit that deals with DV.

yes this sounds feeable to me. I used to have a girl who lived in the flat above with a yound son and she was being attacked by her ex-partner one night I could hear it and it was quite distressing the kid was crying and screaming and I rang 999 waited and they never came I rang them three times over the course of the night and they eventually came about 6 in the morning, I was so angry but they said they were simply overstreched , she was quite badly beaten up the kid was unhurt but very distressed and the fella was apparently in breach of bail conditions anyway for something else, it was very upsetting but they said they had a serious incident which had to take priority that night???

Sorry it sounds weird to me. I have never known a 999 call on anything not repsonded to.

Glitterfairy, I think like you do on this one that there is no way that a woman being beaten up by an abusive partner could be ignored but seemingly given what others have said on here it could be the case. That is just wrong. What if he'd have killed her? How serious does it need to be then before they'll come?

I was always under the impression that ringing 999 brought them out no matter what. Obviously not if it isn't serious (I know the service gets abused) but this was serious.

Does sound strange - I thought that the police took domestics much more seriously now and I am sure that if a 999 call was made someone would have come out at some stage. It probably does depend on where in the country you are as to reponse times though. Sparkly, I think you need to talk very seriously to your friend about getting this woman some help before something dreadful happens.

Callisto, that's what brought all this up and why her and I have had a minor falling out. I want her friend to get help. I think she is scared and who wouldn't be in her situation? I do think that it doesn't ring entirely true that she is terrified of this guy. My point in suggesting to my friend that her friend didn't was for my friend to see that she needed to get her to women's aid or anywhere so she could get some help.

She has apparently moved out but this has happened before and she's moved back in with him. This last beating was the worst by my friend's account. That doesn't bode well for any future incidents. I am truly scared for her because he is clearly a violent, deranged man. In the past he has threatened my friend when she confronted him.

I've told my friend to take her to the hospital so the bruises etc can be recorded but the woman won't go. It seems like an awful situation.

I think it does depend on the area you live and the night that it happended on , I live in a very well known so called trouble spot for crime and when I called it was a Saturday night , they are just very over streached with calls.

Also the plain facts are really that you just cannot make someone go and deal with it they will just do it in their own time it is their choice at the end of the day unless of course they have children involved which case I think it becomes another matter of their safety.

I do realise that we can't make her do anything. My friend is being very supportive and has let her leave stuff at her flat etc etc. I'm still shocked, truly shocked, that resources are so bad that it can happen like that. And in this situation there are no kids involved.

really whether the police were / were not called is not the main issue. The main issue is that this woman is in a dangerous and abusive situtaion that will in all likliehood escalate. Having said that it us much easier said than done to 'take someone to WA' or 'to hospital so that it can be recorded'. All that would require the consent of the woman involved and the sad fact is she may not be ready to do those things. It sounds as though your friend is still being there for her despite the fact that she is obviously frightened of this man herself. As someone who has tried to support a close friend in an abusive realtionship i know how big a comittment just being there for someone is, particularly as abusive partners will often try and exclude friends and isolate the woman even more. does your friend recognise that the relationship is abusive and dangerous?

I agree that it isn't the main issue. I think her friend was trying to hide the fact that she didn't call the police. Obviously she wants my friend to think she's doing something because she is actually ashamed of the situation she is in yet she can't get out.

The two used to be flatmates and at that time my friend realised he was controlling. They've lived together before (her and the abuser) and this was the 3rd attempt at living together. He has moved her miles from her friends but, thankfully, she works at the same job where my friend used to work. They still see each other weekly. He threatened to kill my friend because she was trying to help her - this was sometime last year. I've only known my friend for about 10 months so this is all new to me.

For now she isn't back with him. That's a good thing. And yes I realise it's easy for me to say what she should do - I've no idea what she's going through as I've never been in an abusive relationship. But maybe eventually with enough support she will choose to end the relationship and choose to gt help. Surely pointing out what's available to her for help isn't a bad thing.

yes i do think you might be right about her friend trying to hide things. It also seesm like your friend has really stood by her over a long period and despite threats to herslef - that is a really admirable and tough thing to do. maybe you have been a bit hard on your friend, after all she has the track record in supporting her friend and knows the situtaion better than you. i totally appreciate though that you are motivated by feeling concerned for her friend. maybe your role in this (if you want one) could be to support your friend as being close to someone in an abusive relationship (particularly if they are not yet ready to leave it) is incredibly stressful. I don't see any harm either in (gently) letting them know of support and information atht is out there for them.

Sparkly1,
Just asked my dh, who works for the police, and he said that if she rang during the attack, someone would have attended as a 999 call, or someone from the local town if there is no officer locally.
If she called after the attack, so it may not be "classified as a 999 as the attacker as left" somebody would still have attended, when available.
Your friend can still report it now, just so they have information about him.

I don't know when she rang whether it was during or after. I heard more from my friend today saying he'd dragged her down the stairs and she's covered in carpet burns. She lied at first when my friend saw her after it and said she'd fallen. Of course given the history it wasn't believed but I don't think at that time the true extent of it was known.

So if they didn't come when she called during surely there is something she could do to complain? Of course I suspect she won't because she's never done so in the past. I think I'm realy just floored that they could decide it wasn't important enough to attend

unfortunatly the police may well have told her that they are busey and will send someone as soon as they are available. it all depends on what she told the operator when she called.
if she said that her partner had hit her, but that he had left....the operator would not have logged it as an urgent response. she may have advised her to go to her local police station or even just flagged it for the CSU to do a follow up...which consists of a letter saying sorry to hear your having a rough time, call us if you want to chat basicly.

sadly the police ( the MEt in particular) are overstretched and the phones are manned by civilians who ahve to rate each call in order of urgency.
it is quite possible that they have not taken her seriously enough.

i wouldn't be too quick to judge her though. even if she has lied its because Dv is an incredibly humiliating thing to endure....you often feel that its your own fault and that you share some of the blame.

advise your friend to encourage her to go to Womens aid or at least contact them for advice but please do not judge this woman if she fails to do so.

unfortunatly most DV victims/survivors try to leave in excess of 8 times before they actually suceed.

it is very easy to say what you would do in that situation if you havent been in it!

Agree with fattiemumma. It sounds unlikely that they wouldnt respond quickly unless what she told the operator was a very much watered down version of events.

AFAIK the police take a very serious view on DV, whatever the circumstances.

From the little I know about DV, the point is that the abuser takes away the victim's ability to make decisions. So it's very, very difficult for the victim to make the decision to call for help. That makes it even more important that when someone does call for help, the authorities respond there and then.

Your friend's local council will have a DV service -they can often pull together support for all the different aspects of DV, such as prosecutions, housing and medical care. Might be worth helping her to get in touch?

Sparky1- A very diffcult situation all round.

If you feel very strongly about this and have real concerns about the safety of this woman you could always contact the police station and speak with someone from the CSU , who deal with domestic violence.

Voice your concerns, although they may not be going round and knock on the door and arrest him at least they will have the knowledge that there is a potebtial problem and can advise local officers that any calls recieved from this address etc may be due to dometic violence.

If you have the males details give it to them , they will be able to do all the checks on him and see whther he has any previous convictions or warnings for violence etc.

At least its start to getting help for this woman.

people are right that the main point ehre is getting this woman some help. Womens Aid are to my mind the best people in these situations as they have experience and expert advice.

I have dialled 999 on four occassions now with DV happening and the police have always attended within minutes! I now have an alarm and they come within minutes and even when I say it is a flase alarm they do a spot check to see if I am ok.

I agree that it may have been what she said on the phone but my experience has been that even when I say it is a flase alarm like the electrics going in a storm they still send a car round within half an hour.

Maybe I am lucky living out of London and also having a witness to my violence but really I cannot praise the police in Lancashire highly enough.

Spoke to my friend this morning and try to get across the point that I don't care if she called the police or not though I still think she may not have done so. And, I totally understand why she wouldn't. She is scared, ashamed and all sort of other things I probably don't even understand.

I told my friend she needs to at least give her the details of Women's Aid. I fear it won't be long before she goes back to him and then it will all happen again.

Unfortunately I've only met the woman once or I would contact the police to make them aware. I will see if my friend feels that is something she could do.

In the area I work they have a specialist dv unit with trained officers, however there are only about 4 working at any one time and in the last 3 month period they got almost 1800 calls. The police hate it but they have to 'prioritise' which is an impossible task for them but they just don't have the resources (haven't read the whole thread, hope I am not repeating what someone else has said. There is a confidential 24 hour WA helpline she could ring that and they won't push her to leave just talk things through with her