I just feel so sad today.

[misdee]

not depressed, just wallowing in grief. my husband is still alive, and i am enternally grateful for thast, but i still in the same hell as last year. we still havent moved on. just still in limbo.

dd3 spent the time today at the hospital walking up and down the transplant unit corridor. she is almost 17months old. her little life has been centred around the hospital. as has dd2+dd1. they havent had a normal life for so long now. around 20months in fact. thats over a third of dd2 life. and dd1 has started school, done reception etc all while daddy has been in hospital. i spend time taking so many pictures so he doesnt miss out, and now my camera is broken, and i just feel so much despair.

we are palnning for the fun run again, i so wanted Peter to take part this year, but thats so unlikely.

i honestly didnt belive last summer that peter would be alive now, but then a part of me belived he would be home and fixed by now.

Feel free to wallow. Sometimes a good wallow is therapeutic and you might wake tomorrow with a fresh perspective and some extra strength to keep going if you allow a bit of wallowing!

Hang in there girl.

well, the bit that holds the batteries is in snapped. so i am using large amount of sellotape to hold the batteries in.

atm cant replace it. but its not that high on my list (well ok, it is, but need to pay some bills first, so will be next month rather than this month IYSIM)

Sounds like you're entitled to wallow in grief! I'm new to the forum so not familiar with your story, but you've clearly had a rough time. I can't cope with my dds -2and 4- and we all have good physical health, so I take my hat off to you. I hope that you are getting the support that you deserve.

i have a point and click film camera somewhere you are welcome to have

(((big hug)))
That must be so hard on you. How ever do you manage? I don't know, couldn't dh's parents lend you or buy you a camera so you can give him photos and keep him involved? Sure your neighbours would at least lend you a camera short-term.

I know it's not the camera really but that's the final straw isn't it?

Do you get much help? See much of friends at all?

thanks katz, but i take hundreds of pictuires a week, so the film and devoloping costs would cripple me.

i was basing transplant on stats, average waiting times etc. and peter has been waiting so much longer. hearing that people can wait on the list for 2years+ scares the hell out of me, we celebrated dd2 3rd birthday, dd1 6th birthday, dd3 1st birthday all in hospital, will we be there still for the 4th, 7th and 2nd birthdays?

Misdee,it's just shit isn't it?
As John Lennon said,life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.

You are wonderful,always make me laugh with your irrepressible humour and ability to find the funny side of things.
You're also a fabulous mother.
Truly a warrior amongst women.
Your children and Peter are lucky to have you.

XXXX

i just feel so sh*tty today moondog. i spent 4/5hours there today, peter played dominos with the kids, dd3 wandered about, the nurses all commented on how grown up she is now, and i just thought 'but we shouldnt still be here with all of you watching my kids grow up in front of your eyes.'

dd2 knows so many people there, they all adore her, dd1 manages to get ice creams from the porters, and the nurses are wonderful. but i dont want this life anymore. he should be home by now, not still waiting. i am trying so hard to raise awareness abour organ donation, but selfishly think we haven benefitted yet.

Thinking of you Misdee, wishing I lived closer so I could have your dd's for a bit to give you a break.

thanks pandaG. was chatting to a wife of another patuient and they have only been doing this since jan, i didnt want to tell her that for us peter being seriously ill and in and out has been over 20months. and her dh isnt even listed yet as they are aiming for recovery with VAD.

The last message I read of yours was when Peter's bed came, has he had a chance to use it? I hope so. As everyone has said, if you feel it then get low, because then the highs will be better. If that makes sense. I have been watching the programme on the tv about transplants and it makes me so grateful. Just couldn't imagine your life. You all deserve a medal.

he has been home for several weekends, which have been fantastic.

Oh that's good. Do you expect him home again soon?

Misdee, . Wallow away. I just don't know how you've managed to remain so positive and funny and all-round bloody brilliant for all this time.

Misdee I have followed your story from my lurking and have been impressed by your courage, strength and dignity. Allow yourself to be sad for a while - you will probably feel different in the morning.

I played the video thing on another link - really moving. What would it cost to repair your camera? is that something I could help with?

Thinking of you all
X

DollyP, i will contact Nikon in the morning and see if they can provide another clip for the batteries.

am feeling a bit betterm news of justines transplant has boosted us all up

How are you feeling today Misdee? Better, I hope. How is Peter today?

Any news on the camera ?