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Original poster

Worst mum ever / Row with dp.....help

14 replies

guilty · 23/02/2004 07:33

My dp and I love each other very much, I can not imagine life without him but, every now again we have a massive row, it always starts over something simple, last night was because we couldn't agree what to watch on telly, it ended up shouting and a few things got thrown, I ended up running upstairs in tears and when I got to the top of the stairs DD aged 3 (nearly 4) was there, she looked all scared and think that was the first time that she had witnessed one of our rows (usually she at playgroup or aunty's)

She asked me lots of questions like, why do you want daddy to move out (this was because i said to him, move out then and you can watch what you want on your own telly), I believe I managed to sort it out in her head by saying that mummy and daddy were silly about what to watch etc etc, we both gave her a hug, but I cant get her face out my face, it has really upset me and feel as though I am the only mother to row in front of their kids. I know I am mostly to blame as feeling very hormonal as due on, but still feel awful. have you ever rowed in front of your kids. Reassurance that I have not completely failed as a mother would help.
Obviously changed name for this post as so ashamed.

OP posts:

Janstar · 23/02/2004 08:54

Personally, I think we should row in front of our kids from time to time. I knew a man once whose parents had never argued in front of him, he was a highly successful professional but in his personal life he couldn't bear anyone arguing. If any friends argued in front of him he simply stopped seeing them. God knows how he ever resolved any difference of opinion with his own wife.

Kids need to understand that their parents do argue...and crucially that they also make up and that this is an ordinary part of life.

What might be a good idea though, is that you learn to keep your arguments in proportion. I don't understand why people who normally love and cherish each other resort to pettiness when they argue. Perhaps the thought that your child is listening may spur you on to treat each other with love and respect even during an argument, ie, no name-calling or throwing things, no wandering off the point into pettiness, remaining loving and trying to understand each others' point of view and find a compromise rather than 'being the winner' because the truth is, when arguments deteriorate like this, no one wins.

Obviously some serious arguments are private and involve things the kids shouldn't hear, but learning to negotiate is part of what we teach our kids - while keeping a sense of proportion.

collision · 23/02/2004 09:33

Janstar.....you are a very sensible and logical person.

twiglett · 23/02/2004 10:57

message withdrawn

Clarinet60 · 23/02/2004 11:06

I second janstar too. We've argued in front of ds1, but kept a bit of a limit on it, as I think they have to see that these things can be resolved. I've also thrown a dish clean through a window, leaving a dish-shaped hole, in front of ds in response to something DH did. ds thought it was hilarious, but I wouldn't do it again. I've also done that thing of daddy-leaving, to test the waters with him. Not a great result, but I hope you feel better Guilty, knowing you're not the only one.

tiredemma · 23/02/2004 13:39

dp and i were having a "disagreement" a few weeks ago about money of all things (mainly about how tight i think he is!)
we were upstairs not really shouting but not whispering either as i walked off in a huff downstairs my ds1 (3.5) was standing at the bottom and the following brought me to tears...
he whispered to me " mommy, ive got some monies if you want some" he then led me by the hand into the kitchen to his "sweety cupboard" and pulled out his net bag of gold foil covered chocolate money and handed them all to me saying " if you need monies, take these" gulp! ive got tears in my eyes again now! how sweet of him.
i told dp what ds1 had done and he felt terrible, we now try to have our "verbal disagreements" away from the boys, i really didnt think that children picked up on everything, so now id like to be more aware of how we handle arguments with them around.

M2T · 23/02/2004 13:56

DH and I are guilty of this too. We got into a really silly argument last week coz DH didn't set his alarm (I am ready to leave by the time ds and dh get up) and I only woke him as I was leaving. He shouted at me for not waking him up sooner!!!??? Looking back he was clearly angry at himself for not setting the alarm, but he took it out on me and I ended up crying. Ds witnessed it all and actually came up to me and said "bad daddy". I was shocked and ashamed.

It happens.... don't beat yourself up about it. You both did the right thing in the end.

momof2 · 23/02/2004 14:02

Guilty - I agree entirely with Janstar.
We went on hols last year - 1st time as a family with step d and dd. During the course of the 2 weeks DP and I quite naturally fell out. Quite interesting reaction - DD who lives with us sighed but Step D got really upset and asked us not to fight, at which point dd told her not to worry as we would be kissing in a minute (YEURK!)
Step D then said that her mum and dp had told her they would never argue in front of her again and she wanted us to make the same promise.
I said that we couldn't make that sort of promise as Daddy and I were always going to fall out, but always going to make up (then gave dp a big hug and very noisy kiss much to dd's horror) and explained that everyone argues, like she and DD, but like they always make friends so do Daddy and I. She is much happier about us falling out now and usually tells us to say sorry and kiss and make up (quite hard sometimes I have to say!)

katierocket · 23/02/2004 14:17

I think it's fine to argue in front of children occasionally - it's life and it's realistic. Doing it out of their way doesn't make it better, children are incredibly perceptive and they will pick up on it. The most important thing is that they see you make up again.

JanH · 23/02/2004 14:24

tiredemma, that brought tears to my eyes too! What a kind and generous little boy you have

twiglett · 23/02/2004 14:27

message withdrawn

Crunchie · 23/02/2004 16:01

Unfortuneatly I DH and I have argued in front of the kids, I feel bad about it but DD1 tells us not to shout and actually tells us to say sorry. It is hilarious and shows us that at least she knows what we should be doing Also if DH is being in one of his 'moods' (he has a problem with depression) and he swears or hits out at a wall or whatever, she goes up to him and tells him not to be so silly.

She has never sworn, even though we have in our rows, and if she hears us swear, again she tells us off. EVen if it is becasue some wa**er has cut us up in the car

I wish we didn't argue in front of them, but we do, and we always make sure they see us make up too. In the long term I hope they will be able to embrace their feelings and not feel they have to hold it all in. This is one of the causes of DH depression as he always had to subdue his angry fellings as a kid and wasn't 'allowed' to sure them.

Original poster

guilty · 23/02/2004 16:59

Just wanted to say thanks for all that replied.

Guess i was beating myself up because it was our biggest row ever and dd heard, we do not row a lot, but happy in the knowledge that I probably have not scared DD for life.

It is just a bog standard answer when DP moans about something in the house, "dont like it move out".

Had a talk to DD and she said that mummy and daddy are a bit silly and need a cuddle when he gets in from work. She even said i know you love daddy, he just drives you nuts at times. Kids

OP posts:

bunny2 · 24/02/2004 21:08

Guilty, I could have written your post. Dh and I have had a blazing row and poor ds kept apologising. He thought I was upset because he had hit me and kept repeating "sorry I hit you mummy". Bless him, how could I tell him I was pset because his daddy was being a twat. I feel like a really crap mother right now so you are not alone. Generally dh and I are really happy and we rarely argue but tonight the proverbial shit really hit the fan and we both said some horrid things. Even though I knew ds could hear, I still said spiteful things.

LJsmum · 25/02/2004 05:16

I am guilty of it too, as much as I hate it It doesn't happen very often but when it does, it tends to deteriorate into shouting and a bit of name-calling. I can relate to feeling absolutely dreadful about ds' reactions... he's 3 1/2, and I remember him holding a pillow over his head once in the middle of a fight - now if he senses an argument brewing, he will start singing or trying to be 'cute', so that we will avert our attention to him rather than argue. He has also said sorry to me in the past too. I feel terrible about how it may have affected him and dh and I have both agreed not to let it happen in front of him anymore. Don't worry guilty, you're not alone - just try to do better next time I guess. (I'll take my own advice there too).

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