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Original poster

FAVOURS - HOW MUCH SHOULD YOU DO BEFORE YOU'RE BEING TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF...

23 replies

jampot · 21/02/2004 17:57

I have a selection of friends most of whom ask favours of me on a very regular basis ie. taking kids to school, picking them up, having them during school hols, typing projects, searching on internet for things plus many many more things. Whilst I don't mind helping others when I (very rarely) ask for a favour (like last week a meeting at work was running late) and I try to get someone to pick kids up for half hour, no one is available. (incidentally on this day, I passed 3 of the friends I had been trying at the school gate having left meeting early). Does anybody else have this problem?

OP posts:
noddy5 · 21/02/2004 18:07

oh yes I am a stay at home mum because of health reasons and people know I dont work and take real advantage but Ive been saying no a lot in the last few months and it seems to have worked

crystaltips · 21/02/2004 18:14

This is a tricky one ...

It's just got to be give and take IMO.

There are those who love to help and hate to seek help themselves - and then there are those who just take the pi$$.

I'd let these "friends" know ( subtly if you can ) that you've rumbled them and that it's hurt you. Rather than going on the offensive - when they will automatically make excuses - if they know that you are disappointed they will hopefully get pangs of conscience.

However the other day I offered to have a sick friend's kids for the day - and it's something I truly regret as I did not know what a handful her DS was ... looking on the bright side - she owes me one

Tortington · 21/02/2004 18:21

i think when you start a thread titles " how much should you do before your being taken advantage of"...your being taken advantage of!

i think you should be very busy in the near future - certainly too busy to be able to do favours

SoupDragon · 21/02/2004 18:24

I agree with Custardo. If you think you're being taken advantage of, you probably are.

JanH · 21/02/2004 18:39

When you passed them at the school gate, how did they react?

Tortington · 21/02/2004 18:43

stop that soupdragon - people will talk!

SoupDragon · 21/02/2004 18:50

I know! I thought what I was agreeing with was posted by Coddy at first glance. I was horrified to find I was agreeing with you LOL!

LadyCodworth · 21/02/2004 19:00

What are these people doing htat they dont have time to do it themsemves?

Original poster
jampot · 21/02/2004 19:58

JanH - two just said "HI" and the other one said "I thought I didn;t see you at school" I explained I was stuck in meeting and had to go back to work and she offered to take my kids!!!!!!! All these pals constantly have their mobiles with them and in any event, none of them have returned my "missed call".

LadyCodworth - they are working or shopping usually. One friend often calls me from shopping several hours before pick up time to say she can't get there in time to pick her son up.

I guess I'm just seriously p*ed off because on the rare occasion I need to ask for assistance (and we're only talking of half an hour max) no-one seems to be able to help. Honestly my kids are not monsters!!!

OP posts:
suedonim · 22/02/2004 01:10

I'm of the give-and-take scenario, too, but there is a limit to things. As others say, if you feel taken advantage of, then you probably are. Just say no, if that's what you want to do, and don't forget, you do not have to give excuses or otherwise justify yourself.

LadyCodworth · 22/02/2004 07:50

I woul dbe busy for a while too - for god sake if you cant curtail shoppping to pick up your kids!

Janstar · 22/02/2004 08:29

If people do me favours I actively look for ways I can return them. So do most conscientious people, don't they? I try not to hang around people who drain me. They steal energy that rightfully belongs to you and yours. I like people who build me, and there are people who still do that even when they are not in a position to return favours.

You can still be a kind and helpful person without allowing others to take you for a ride. As everyone says, I think you need to suddenly become very busy.

Beccarollover · 22/02/2004 08:36

I have this sometimes - a few times people will say I do too much for certain friends and I should concentrate my energies on my own family but I just cant say NO! I dont want to really either, it makes me feel good to do something for someone but, I agree it hits you hard when the favour either isnt appreciated, taken for granted or when there is no give from them.

I find its like a cycle - I start to feel taken for granted, get upset about it, pretend to be busy but then start saying "ohhh yes of course I will pick her up from school, look after her, lend you money, give you a lift, lend you some clothes, do you some shopping etc etc!!"

Sometimes I get a bit woe is me about it and think that whilst its me always offering the help sometimes I'm the one who would be in need of it - for example I bend over backwards for someone who is single, no kids, quite a bit of money etc yet couldnt lean on her when I was single mum - sometimes I felt a bit bitter about that when I was finding it hard going and no one was knocking my door down to return favours!

twiglett · 22/02/2004 09:24

message withdrawn

Moomin · 22/02/2004 09:31

If they're asking you to pick up their kids when all they're doing is shopping, then they're DEFINITELY taking the p*. A short reply of "no, sorry, I'm busy" should cure that one - repeat as necessary and get used to saying it! Everyone gets caught short occasionally and it's nice to know you can reply on people in an emergency, but it sounds like they've gone past this.

Original poster
jampot · 22/02/2004 09:34

Somebody please ask me a favour so I can practice.......

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 22/02/2004 10:26

Jampot, can you just look after my 2 DSs whilst I go off to a spa for the day?

wog · 22/02/2004 10:27

lol

Original poster
jampot · 22/02/2004 10:40

Soupdragon - S..s...s...orry, I'm ......busy - oh okay then shall I come to you?

OP posts:
Lisa78 · 22/02/2004 11:04

jampot, I have an oven that needs cleaning if you are in the favours - and miracles - business

SoupDragon · 22/02/2004 11:06

Oooh, come to me Jampot, then you can clean my oven too whilst you're here

Paula71 · 22/02/2004 11:15

Poor Jampot!

Stick up for yourself girl! Although it might be handy to have a few reasons for "busy" memorised as I have found people like that tend not to believe anyone else has a life and will ask what you are busy at! Nosy bggrs!

I was used as a doormat by friends in my early twenties, as a result I lost my trust and rely on no-one and do favours for no-one. Don't fall into that trap as it can be lonely sometimes!!

And if they are starting this schoolgate nonsense of "oh I didn't see you there." Ignore it, don't waste time with people who play friend-games.

God, I am not looking forward to ds twins starting school if I'll get this c**p at the schoolgate! They get a nursery place when they are 3, does that mean it all starts then or not until they start school properly?

Original poster
jampot · 22/02/2004 12:01

I'll go out and buy a steam cleaner specifically to clean your oven Soupdragon (and you to Lisa). Honestly it's my treat - no really I insist!!!!

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