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Original poster

Big confession

24 replies

JennH · 20/02/2004 21:46

No i am not a man.

I have started self-harming again Hmm.
I did it for a 2yr period when i was a teenager, and recently started again, and i said it was just a few times and that was a lie. I am cutting everyday and quite a lot too, my arms and stomach are covered. My husband knows and he is very supportive but i feel so ugly.
This is just so frustrating for me. I have a meeting with a psychiatrist next week, and he is probably going to refer me to the local mental health team.

I know why i do it (sexual assault as a teenager, baby blues, just moved, history of depression), but i just wish i didn't I have some good days and some not so good days, in fact often i feel very cheery, but this helps me function. Bad habit i suppose.

I want this to stop before my daughter realises her mummy has arms covered in cuts. I worry people will think i can't take care of her because i can she is really happy and i love her so so much. The treatment i had last time was very effective i think i just need to get some professional treatment.

Sorry for this being so long!

OP posts:
popsycal · 20/02/2004 21:51

Oh Jenn
i have no advice but send you big hugs - someone will have better advice than me
pops x

kiwisbird · 20/02/2004 21:55

I do not know what to offer by way of help...
If there is someone you can get to speak to, if they help then do it
Wishing you courage and opportunity
Bless you
Much love
j xx

Loobie · 20/02/2004 21:56

Jenn big hugs from me too,i know exactly how it feels,just a little hurt can let out so much and make you feel that wee bitty better for a little while.I have never actually self harmed but have been VERY close many times and can easily see how it comes about.Good that you have an understanding dh,dont be afraid of going back for more treatment as you know it worked the last time.
Sorry this is a bit gobbly gook,having a bad time myself at the moment,just wanted to let you know i understnad how it feels in that dark hole and to let you know you have my thoughts and sympathies.

lavender1 · 20/02/2004 21:57

Oh JennH, am so sorry to here of this, you have posted on my threads many times and seemed so with it...Big ((((hugs)))) to you..I don't know what to say really...you must feel really low to be doing this to yourself...are you depressed if you don't mind me asking (does it all stem back from the sexual assault you mention)?

I really feel for you, are you a high one minute low the next kind of person?...although not very good with advice here can relate to the feeling low thing and if you want to e-mail at Yahoo, please feel free....I have days where I wonder what the hell I am alive for and what is the purpose of my being(there are people far better than me....really have to fight it sometimes).....do you talk with your friends/ parents about this, or is it a taboo subject?...please keep talking, you are not alone...would dearly love to help you...wonder if you have been depressed for much of your life (many questions I know but just want to help you)

Lots of love

Lavenderxxxxx

carla · 20/02/2004 21:58

Big, Big cuddles Jenh. Someone here will be able to help.XXXX

Sunshine123 · 20/02/2004 22:03

You sound like you're having a bit of a tough time. Firstly you have made the biggest steps by realising that you do have a problem and secondly that you need some extra help to see you through this difficult patch. It seems like you still have a lot of issues in your life that you need to deal with to try and stop this learned behaviour from being your 'escape' everytime you hit a difficult/unsettling period. You may feel that it helps you to function and releases some form of stress but at the same time how can it help you function when you probably have to spend a considerable amount of time covering up your cuts, trying to think of excuses as to how they happened should someone spot them etc and then this in itself could lead to a vicious cycle of you then feeling bad about yourself, getting frustrated and stressed and depressed and doing it all again! The best way to break this cycle is to get help and to try and think about what it is that makes a 'good day' so different from a 'bad day' and when you can see that a day is going to turn bad try to consciously do something different ie go out until the urge has gone. Don't dwell on the fact that you self harmed but try to praise yourself for the times that you haven't/didn't and build your self esteem this way. There is going to be a time in your life when you can be at peace with yourself and accept the rough hand that you were dealt earlier on but if you keep self harming you will always be left with continual reminders of the unhappiest times of your life when faced with all the scars. You're already making yourself feel bad about doing this whilst being a mother and that in turn could make you feel negative and self harm again, your self esteem seems very low and i really do think that professional help is the answer. Remember to praise yourself for the good days, for being a good mum with a happy daughter etc etc GOOD LUCK

Original poster
JennH · 20/02/2004 22:06

i was (i really can't do the 'r' word) when i was 14 which completely messed me up
family is very supportive but don't know about what happened, but its a tough subject for most people because few people know what to say
was always a bit sad inside, but what happened 'pushed me over the edge' if you will
friends don't know (too embarrased)

OP posts:
lavender1 · 20/02/2004 22:11

my e-mail address is there if you want to talk no pressure

Lisa78 · 20/02/2004 22:39

well done for posting this Jenni. You know where I am if you need to talk
L
xxx

CountessDracula · 20/02/2004 22:54

JennH very brave indeed. Best of luck and well done for posting about it xxx

lilibet · 20/02/2004 22:55

I have no experience of this at all but feel that you have made a really big step in posting and admitting that you need help. I am sure that you can take care of your daughter and from how you have come across in other posts you sound like a great mum and she's a lucky little girl. You have struck gold with having such a supportive dp and I'm sure that with some proffesional help and the support that you will get from him and from people on here that you will manage to get out of this, it may not be easy but you have made the first step to getitng better by starting this thread

Loads of love adn hugs
lili.

xxxx

bunny2 · 20/02/2004 22:58

I've been there, Thank God not for a long time. It is such a taboo subject and rarely spoken about but it does happen, you are not alone. When I finally sought help I was referred to a cognitive behavioural therapist and with his help (and some prozac) I reshaped my self-perception (I blamed myself for a whole history of shit that wasnt my fault) and after 12 months actually began to like myself. Then I started changing my life into the one that wanted and I no longer have these dreadful, desperate urges. So, my advice would be to get the help you need (I saw 3 or 4 therapists before I found one I could work with), consider anti-depressants if your doctor advises you to have them and have faith in yourself, you can relearn ways to deal with your past.

You absolutely must not feel angry with yourself for doing this (I know anger is at the heart of self-harm), it will only make the urges stronger.

I wish I could think of something more constructive but I cant. Pls remember though, there is lots of help available to you, keep seeking help until something works. Bunnyxx

susanmt · 21/02/2004 00:14

Jenn, I just wanted to add my support to the others here. You have made the biggest step in admitting you have a problem - and if you are going to be seeing your mental health team tha hopefully help is at hand.
I self-harmed during a period of psychotic depression when I was 23, and I know how addictive and alluring it is, and how much better you feel for such a short time afterwards. I think you have crossed the biggest bridge in admitting you are doing it, because now you can get help and get well again.
I'm struggling with PND at the moment and overdosed a month ago. If you want to chat then contact me, it can help to talk to someone who knows 'where you are'
Take care, and remember what a brill Mum you are!

Lisa78 · 21/02/2004 00:18

She is a brill mum and Evie is very lucky to have her

fairydust · 21/02/2004 08:28

JennH - I KNOW YOU ARE A BRILLANT MUM.

Remember you can talk to me - just e-mail me.

Love Fairydust xxx

iwanttostop · 21/02/2004 10:12

Hi JenH, I just wanted to say that I too self-harm, I had a bad period over Christmas and New Year but I'm now seeing a psychiastrist which although is very difficult is helping me understand myself and cope with things. It has allowed to me to consider why and I am doing it and given me ways to alter my feelings, as I know the bad feelings I have are not due to things I did (I too was sexually abused as a child)

I just wanted you to know you are not alone and that you are very brave admitting your problems, which is a big step.

Take care

Hugs

wilbur · 21/02/2004 10:21

JennH - Just to say that I'm sure you are doing a brilliant job looking after your dd, and it's a great thing that you are now doing something about looking after yourself. Take care.

charlieplus3 · 21/02/2004 10:27

Jenn, you are a lovely person and a brilliant mum. That is so obvious to us all by your postings. I relly feel for you and so sorry i cant offer you any advice but will always be around if you need to talk.

Take Care, big hugs to a brave girl
Love Charlie

collision · 21/02/2004 20:04

Hi Jenn.......I was just wondering how you were feeling today? Did you have a good day?

aloha · 21/02/2004 20:45

Oh, how terrible for you. Accept the help and the counselling and medication. Please don't hurt yourself, you are a good person to whom bad things happened. Please treat yourself with the love and care which you deserve. I feel very sad reading your post, because I don't want anyone to feel they don't deserve to be loved by themselves. It may sound like psychobabble, but I feel sad that you are hurting your lovely, beautiful body that enfolds you and cleverly made your beautiful daughter.

JJ · 21/02/2004 20:51

Hi JennH, nothing I can add seems right. Huge support to you.

Original poster
JennH · 21/02/2004 22:37

Thanks for replying you are all so lovely

I am doing ok today, but cut anyway. I went to the shops on my own which was nice.

x x x

OP posts:
bunny2 · 22/02/2004 20:41

Hi Jenn, you mentioned in your firstpost that you had effective treatment last time. Can you try it again?

Hulababy · 22/02/2004 20:46

Oh JennH. I have no advise, other than to seek as much help as you can and to keep talking about it - even if just on MN.

You seem like a great person (from chatting on here) and I hope you get the help you deserve. Big hugs.

Hulababy xx

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