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Original poster

Need some advice...dont know what to do :-( very long

16 replies

Nemo1977 · 03/07/2006 11:04

Hi bit of background is I was abused by my stepdad who is still married to my mum. My grandad is having an 80th party on saturday and I had made arrangements with my mum for me to go with my dh and children but to leave early before my stepdad would arrive. So we were going 7pm-8.30pm. The only reason it is all a bit odd is that my grandad doesnt know about the abuse due to his age and having a heart condition etc. Anyways now just talking to my sister[all family are aware apart from my grandad] who said that the party starts at 8pm. So just phoned my mum who has said that she is going for 7pm[not what she said originally as she was supposed to be making sure my stepdad didnt leave their house 40mins away until after 8.30pm but now she is going to be at the party].So just asked if SD was going with her and she said no she was going to sort it out for him to go later..I just have a really bad feeling..one of the reasons I disclosed about abuse is obviously so that my children would never be near him and now feel that we are being fooled into having to put on a false face if he turns up early. The risk of him turning up makes me feel sick and have been having depressive episodes due to the stress of putting on the fake face already never mind the risk of him being there. So do I go and just hope he doesnt turn up or do I make some excuse about not going...I really dont know what to do and am sorry for rambling.

OP posts:

collision · 03/07/2006 11:08

Oh Nemo...what a horrible situation for you.

could you not just pop in for a few minutes and see Grandad with a present and then leave?

I am very good at blanking people who I dont want to speak to. If your SD does turn up dont even look his way and dont put on a brave face either. just leave. Grandad might not even notice.

An aside from all that....what the hell is your Mum still doing with him? Or is that another story?

Original poster

Nemo1977 · 03/07/2006 11:14

collision completely other story which just annoys the shit out of me but thats her choice and because of it she doesnt get any one-one contact with my children.

I want to be able to go to my grandads party without feeling like I have done something wrong and the whole situation is soo frustrating. I could just go and see him during the day and make excuses of why I cant go.

OP posts:

Rowlers · 03/07/2006 11:19

I'm shocked by your story Nemo and feel for you.
I have no idea why your mum is still with this man but as you say, it's another story.
This is YOUR grandad and your grandad will want to see YOU and your children as a priority.
If it were me I would make it extremely clear to my mother that her husband must not be there before at least 9PM so that you can enjoy the party in peace.
She and her husband will have to lump it.
I hope you can be strong with her!

stripeybumpsmum · 03/07/2006 12:38

Is your Grandad your mum's dad? Are you sure it is best for him not to know? Perhaps you could explain to your grandad that you have had a fall out with your SD, but not explain why, and as a result either you need to come early, or SD has to come later.

SD sounds like a jerk, and sorry to be blunt, but so does your mum for being with him. Her child should come first, but as you say, her (odd) choice.

Don't want to sound bossy, but you stand up for what you want. YOU HAVEN'T DONE ANTHING WRONG - so don't behave like you have. The wrong doers should be the ones who have to fit around you.

And well done for being open and brave about your life to protect your own children.

Freckle · 03/07/2006 12:46

If the whole of your family know about it, how will they react to SD being there? He'll have to have a lot of brass neck to turn up to a family party and act as though nothing has happened when everyone else will know what a low-life he is.

Why doesn't your mum turn up at 7pm and then leave at 8pm and tell your SD he won't be welcome?

Blu · 03/07/2006 13:15

if she won't co-operate with freckle's suggestion, I would tell her that if SD arrives before 9pm, you will leave the second he gets there, and you will tell your Grand-dad and any other family members exactly why you are leaving.

warthog · 03/07/2006 13:21

I find it extraordinary that your sd is happy to show his face at a family gathering when everyone knows what he's done! Isn't your family giving him a hard time? That aside, I think you're well within your rights to stipulate that your mum and sd come later at 9 or 9:30 so you don't have to deal with him.

Can you rally your family round for support? If he shows up, can they stop him coming in until you've enjoyed time with your gd?

Original poster

Nemo1977 · 03/07/2006 14:33

hi all
thanks for replying...some bits to point out is that Sd still lives with mum and my 2 sisters[his daughters].What happened was I disclosed she chucked him out for a couple of months then took him back[in her words]"as my sisters were so upset" they are 20 and 21 FGS..but anyhow. I suffer bad depression due to this whole thing as I disclosed when my son was 8wks old as I couldnt bare to be around my SD. All my mums side of family know apart from my grandad and it is easy ot keep it from him as 90% of the time he and my nan live in spain. I still see my mum on my terms about every 6-8wks. I have contact with one of my sisters regularly but rarely see the other. Have not really seen anyone else of either his family or my mums but apparently my mums know what has happened but none of his do at all. they have continued to live their life and have quite a priveleged one at that..I on the other hand lost my job due to the depression as I was too ill to continue. I am lucky in that I have 2 beautiful children who I know dont have to be around that arse and a third on the way.

Sorry just realised I am just going off in a tagent but things are really bugging me and dont think they will ever stop.

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expatinscotland · 03/07/2006 14:44

'I could just go and see him during the day and make excuses of why I cant go. '

That's what I would do.

Later on, after his birthday and so as not to ruin his day, I'd tell him the truth.

Original poster

Nemo1977 · 03/07/2006 14:46

expat I would but hes just too old and too ill. It is not worth upsetting his life that he has left for some arshole especially when he is 80.

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Blackduck · 03/07/2006 14:48

Go during the day to see him with the kids and a cake - make up some excuse as to why you can't be there in the evening (but think - at least you are getting some dedicated time with him....) Know its not ideal, but better that than being put in a difficult position...

Original poster

Nemo1977 · 04/07/2006 17:00

thanks to all for advice. Had a convo with my mum and he is now not going at all. Bit of a relief to be honest as would have been extremely stressed.

OP posts:

Rowlers · 04/07/2006 21:10

I'm glad to hear it - that's the right thing to do.
Enjoy the party now!

DevilsAdvocado · 04/07/2006 21:30

Oh Nemo (((hug))) I know excactly what you are going through and I also know exactly why it came out after you had given birth. Have you had any counselling?

You see, I feel that you shouldn't have to stay away, it should be up to him to stay away.. I totally and utterly understand you wanting to keep your kids away from him and not even have them in the same room as him, regardless of wether they are one to one or not.. I truly feel for you and know 100% what you are going through. Thinking of you xxx

DevilsAdvocado · 04/07/2006 21:30

Oops...missed the bit where he is not going at all

Original poster

Nemo1977 · 05/07/2006 09:50

devils advacado thanks for your post. I have been seeing a psychatrist for the past 2 yrs and a cpn and a psychologist..also had some counselling in the middle of there..lol The whole thing affected me extremely badly to the point where I was suicidal and self harming.

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