feeling so down

[mamajinks]

This is a long story so I am going to try and keep it really brief. 5 months ago I moved from London to rural West Yorkshire with dh and ds (22mnths). It seemed like a great idea at the time but I am starting to regret it and to resent being here. I am not very good at building friendships and I am embarrassed to say that I have no close friends at all. I think that this is a result of my moving schools at the age of 14 and never really recovering from the trauma of it. I moved from an all girls private school to a mixed comprehensive where I was the odd one out and became bullied and ostracised. I found it impossible to break into any social groups and was treated particularly badly by one group of girls who befriended me for the sole purpose of setting me up to make fun of me.

Consequently, I have no friends at all from my childhood or school days and I have found it very difficult to trust people in new social or work situations and have never been able to form friendships with women. In London all of
my social needs were fulfilled through work - if that makes sense? What I mean is by going to work I got social interaction with colleagues during the day without the difficulty of having to cultivate any serious friendships. This meant I never felt lonely as although I never went out in the evenings or at weekends I knew that I could go to work and have contact with people there, albeit on a fairly superficial level.

Anyhow, now we are up north and I'm not working anymore I am finding it really hard to cope. I go to toddler groups regularly with ds but I keep myself to myself and am terrified of opening up and talking to any of the other mothers. I have finally plucked up the courage to join two evening classes but I know that I will still avoid having to talk to any of the other people there on anything other than the subject of the class.

I feel scared of other people and believe that I am not a good enough person to have as a friend. I am so saddened and embarrassed by my lack of friends and I don't want to go on like this any more. I just don't know how break down all the years of fear and start to make friends. I need to do it now as I am feeling so isolated and spend each day trying fend off tears of frustration, anger and sadness. I need to get this sorted out for the sake of my son as I don't want him to be affected by my poor social skills.

I am sorry to go on but I really don't have anyone to talk to about this. I would welcome any thoughts on how I can break the pattern of behaviour that has become ingrained in me over the years. DH tries to be as supportive as he can but he has started a new job and is totally stressed out by it.

I hear you. I feel very much the same as you, and it's the hardest thing about having given up work. I wish I knew what to do about it! You're not alone, even though it feels like it. I found that classes that did't involve 'motherhood' helped a lot with my self-esteem. After a while you do relax a bit and talk to people. I wish I had the knack of making and keeping friends, especially those outside my day-to-day life. I'm certain that you are a good person to have as a friend - because bullies take your deepest fear and try to force you to believe that it's real, but it is not!

Why don't you check out the mumsnetter meet-ups thread and see if there is any chance of meeting some mumsnetters who live near you?

I think finding friends is a bit like finding a man in that you often find them when you're not actively looking IYSWIM! You must have good social skills if you have a dh and have been able to work effectively in a company environment, it sounds more like you have low self esteem. You really need to focus on what sort of activities make you feel happy and most like yourself and who knows you might meet people through doing these things. I moved to a new area (and country!) between ds and dd and found the toddler group routine excruciating at first as everyone knew each other and I felt like such an outsider, so I kept those to a minimum and became involved in a voluntary organisation that absorbs a lot of my time but isn't just around the children and found I met lots of people that way. I think a lot of people with preschool children just tend to hang around with their antenatal group friends which is why it's so hard for other newcomers to make friends. It does all change when they go to school though as you'll meet loads of other people. I found that if I was quite forward and invited children round to play it eventually paid off and ds started being invited to parties etc but I would say you have to try inviting lots of different people and see what happens. Remember even if you're feeling terrified of making the first move, if you smile and seem confident noone will notice you're quaking in your shoes and you have the advantage of them not actually knowing you very well so they don't know that you're not usually full of confidence. In my experience nothing puts people off more than seeming lonely so you need to sound like you're quite busy and have loads of friends back in London. Might sound a bit deceitful but everyone does it! Good luck!

I am in Yorkshire, not sure which direction, and it is rural too. Can I contact you or you contact me via contact another talker? Don't know if I can help.

Mamajinks, I can empathise - before I had ds 4 years ago most of my friends were at my workplace and as we worked in the City we all lived fair distances apart and so didn't meet up at weekends; and I had a couple of single childless girlfriends nearby, so when ds came along I felt very isolated during maternity leave and found it much harder as a Mum trying to break into the parent and toddler scene than I ever did without a child. I also 'function' better in small groups or even one-to-ones rather than really big meet-ups.
I don't think you are out of the ordinary at all for not having any friends from your childhood days!

Have you thought about going along to a local church? No, not trying to convert you or anything but speaking from the experience of my church we always give any visitors a warm welcome, even if they are only coming in to get out of the cold or for a cup of coffee afterwards! You would probably find people approaching you wanting to find out more about you, than the other way around, which is much easier than trying to 'break in' to an established group.

I have made a lovely friend through UK Parents - I am a long-time regular Mumsnetter and don't use UKP for anything other than buying/selling but thought, 'what the heck', and posted on their 'Email Friends' forum saying I would like to meet someone in my area with a son of a similar age to my ds. It worked ...

All the best, and let us know how you get on with the evening classes. J x

I have just read your message mamajinks, and i have a tear in my eye! I wish I could say it's easy to make friends, but as you know it's not. I too moved away from my family and workplace (notice I didn't add friends in that list-as I now realise I didn't really have any) It's taken me a long time to make any friends at all, but the first step is to find someone who is new at parent and toddler and start a conversation with them, this is what I did and now we are really good friends. I decided this was the way to go as someone did the same to me when I was new and has also turned into a good friend. Please try to get to know some people it definatly makes it better and you get some great advice and tips.I can really understand your situation and hope you continue posting on here (you never know you might get a meet up out of it) P.S This is the first time I've posted on here so anyone please feel free to talk back. Love to you sweetie.

i know what you mean mamajinks - i have only got one really, really close friend, and we only got back in touch 2 years ago after 15 years apart. I've got 2 other good friends who I don't see all that often and one good friend who i also work with, but we don't socialise. Until fairly recently I always got my social needs through work, but tend to be quite reserved so found it hard to make the leap from "work friend" to socialising outside of work. It's hard when you've got young children as well. I've also felt rather inadequate in this department, always thinking everyone else has loads of friends etc. I am finding as I get older I feel OK about it, I'm happy to have the few friends I have got and have stopped beating myself up for not being outgoing enough.

Waffling on here, just wanted to say your post rang lots of bells with me. I think you need to work on improving your self esteem - you certainly are a good enough person to have as a friend! It sounds like the bullying has had a lasting impact on you, perhaps counselling could help? Hope I don't sound patronising, it's just that it can be hard to shake off long-held negative beliefs about oneself, and sometimes counselling or something like CBT can really help.

Good luck X

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mamajinks, I really empathise with you. We moved a lot when I was in school, and I have a similar problem to yours in that I never really had the chance to build up any friendships, which led to bullying for me too. I've moved over 22 times (including a couple of country to country moves!). The place I live in now has been my home for 3 years. It took me about two of those to become settled, and start to meet people. I think part of the problem was that after a while, I would prevent myself from becoming close to people, because subconciously I was aware that it was likely I could move again, and lose those friends. It was only after I decided that nothing will move me from where I am now, that I realised I had no excuse! It is difficult though. I found it helped to concentrate on gaining one or two good friends; the thought of befriending a whole group was and still is daunting! I really hope things look up for you with these evening classes. If someone there tries to become your friend, try letting them! What's the worst that could happen?
xx

Hi mamajinks, sorry to hear how bad you're feeling. I haven't moved away from my friends physically but I found when I had ds (now 2½ years) there was a distance between me and my old friends - we do meet up occasionally but not like we did. I suppose that's natural - bringing up a baby is very time consuming! Moving away from people at the same time must make it twice as hard. I have now made a couple of friends with babies (well one friend really!) who I met at toddlers. I'm in West Yorkshire too, would love to meet and have a chat. Whereabouts are you?

Hi. At the end of your post you asked if anyone had any thoughts on how to break the pattern of behaviour. I'd like to recommend an interesting self help book which helped me to change a few negative self beliefs. It's called 'Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway' and I think it's by Susan Jeffers (or Jefferson?).

A few years ago I was suffering from low self esteem in a work context - I didn't believe that I was good enough to get the type of job I really wanted. Although it certainly didn't solve all my problems, and like a lot of self help books it can be a bit corny, reading this book helped me to become more confident and improve my self esteem. (Oh and I did get the type of job I was after too)

Also, all those other women out there who might seem intimidating in some way are no doubt feeling scared or insecure or otherwise preoccupied themselves. It's really easy to read someone's behaviour as a reaction to you (thinking they don't like you or whatever) when in reality they are preoccupied with their own stuff (even if that's looking miles away cause they didn't get a good night's sleep the night before).

Big love and good luck!

Thank you all so much for your really supportive posts. I've read them several times now and I am grateful for the good advice and kind words you all have. Posting here has been a good thing, I feel like a weight has been lifted and I hope I will be able to act on some of the advice you have handed on.

GenT & auntymabel - I am about 10 miles out of Halifax, not sure if that is near you but I would love to make contact in any case. My email has changed since I signed up to mumsnet and I am not sure how to change it. Perhaps I could contact you both through this site? Thanks for posting

to change your e-mail you should click on the click here button underneath the Add A Message section ( to the right of Password)and you can change it in the page it then brings up!
I hate to hear you cant get in contact with people because of this!

Good Luck and I hope this helps.

Just wanted to add a message to say I totally understand what you're going through..your first post sounded like me about 5 years ago....you do get into a vicious circle where you think that noone wants to be your friend and everyone else who you meet has regular friends who they meet up with all the time....one of the mumsnetters is right, the more you worry the more people can read that you want to be their friend and it puts them off...the days when I stand in the school playground and don't give a damn who talks to me people do...wasn't bullied but am black sheep of family so have little confidence...but speaking from experience (little) I have met about 3 people in the last 5 years who do want to keep seeing and talking to me...they are funnily enough people who themselves have been snubbed by commitee members, their own mother so they can relate to me in some way....have also moved 19 times in life and it is hard to get close to people as you know you'll move soon and all that emotional stuff will be given and soon forgotten, but please believe that out of all the people that do not want to know you, there will be one person like you out there somewhere and the more you try out new activities, evening classes etc the more chance you have of meeting new people...Have no fear...you will meet someone (btw my friends now are people have known since was 31, so never too late)

Mamajinks - I'm about 7 miles out of Halifax so even if we're in opposite directions it's not that far! By all means get in touch - would love to meet up

Come a bit late to this thread (as usual) but I could have written your post 18 years ago! I moved from my home town when I got married, leaving behind the few friends I did have (all of whom were male, as an added complication ) & my social life. I started work in a town 20 miles away so I didn't know anyone locally when I left to have my DD.

I went to a Toddler Group & forced myself to talk to people!! I did make some friends, who drifted away a few years later, but then there were other mums at playgroup & more at school (then it becomes the mums of your children's friends & not the other way around).

I went back to work when DD was 4 for a variety of reasons, so friends then became less important. I would say I don't actually have any friends- as such- except one who lives in a different country & we've known eachother since Infant school. It no longer bothers me.

My children are very gregarious social animals, with a wide circle of friends. DD is loved by everyone she meets & is everything I always wished I could be. Your problems will not necessary inpact on your DS.

Phew, that was longer than I intended