its about my Dad again!

[biglips]

i have been putting it off to go and see my Dad since Xmas - i last saw him before i got pg (Xmas 2003). Ive been ok about it till my mum shows me a piccy of me last week, me, mum and Dad on hols aboard when i was 14, i said to mum "thats a good piccy of my Dad there" (meaning he looks so healthy and tanned and well looked after) but now he looks terrible and thin and sits like an old man - its really upsets me alot as when i look at him in person, i think "this is not my Dad"! as hes an bad alcoholic for the past 11 yrs (since parents got divorced) but he was a drinker throughout their marriage (he had a drink problem when i was 10 and he went to a AA - only lasted for a year) then in the end he used to go out at 10am every sat to see him mum and then pub till 7pm).... Mum was getting tearful without me knowing. i wish my dad wasnt an alcoholic or otherwise they would still married today.

He hadnt met my DD yet and he doesnt know that my brother got a DD too (brother only met her DD last xmas when she was 8 mths old as he didnt know his ex was pg but his DD is his double).

People are telling me that i should take my DD to see him for HER sake and not mine .

He had told me that he is waiting for ME to call him - WTF?? why cant he call me but then again hes an alcoholic

i feel embarrassed about the way my Dad looks as hes looks sssoooo ill and his face is all bloated due to drink

ive never (or my brother) been close to my Dad as hes not a father figure but is a financial father who makes sure money and dinner was on table every nite.

He said he'll always love my mum - he met her when he was 16 and my mum was 17.

i want to help him but i know i cant or can i?

im gonna write him a little note to tell him to call me - thats if hes not in

I don't agree with the people who have said that you should take your dd to see him for her sake. I don't think he has the automatic right to know her at all - he needs to earn that right and he hasn't done that yet. Yes, it might be good for them both to have a relationship but alcoholics are very selfish people, and it's hard for them to have a relationship with anyone because their relationship with the bottle is more important to them than their relationship with people. Before you address your dd's relationship with him, I would say that you should maybe see him yourself and work out (a) what kind of relationship you want with him and (b) whether he is able to give you that relationship. Because if he can't, then he can't give your dd what she needs either.

He is waiting for you to call because alcoholism is a very selfish illness - my sister is an alcoholic, and the only thing that's important to her is the booze. People come a poor second to the alcohol for her, and that's common in alcoholism - but she also expects to come at the top of everyone else's priorities because she is ill. My dd comes first though, and I will not take dd to see her because I never know from one day to the next how my sister will be. She has been violent, which is not something I want my child to see.

As for whether you can help him or not - no, you can't, not in the way you would like to. Not until he's ready to get help for himself. He has to want to do it, no-one can do it for him.

Al-Anon are a group who can help the families and friends of alcoholics; they are a good place to start looking if you want to try and help him when he's ready. The website is on the link, or you can telephone them on 020 7403 0888

its hard isnt it

ive never really had a relationship with my Dad as when i was little he used to work away in Germany alot at a time but it was my mum who was there for me 100% throughout my childhood. me and my brother had a got a very close relationship to my mum but i havent got a much of a relationship with my brother as hes quite similar to my Dad in a way - he doesnt make the effort to see me but i do, he drinks but he had calmed down alot since he made a show of himself in front of my mum - mum had serious word saying "Youre not 20 anymore!" - hes 35 and single!

Over the past 11 yrs... i got back in touch with him after 3 yrs absent cos i was getting dragged into the middle of mum and dad.. we kept it going for a few times till it upsetted me too much, so i didnt get back in touch with him and neither did he. i got back in touch with him again a few years later to introduce my Dp to dad which was at xmas 2003. then i called him again when i was 4 months pg and he said "congrats" and will come down - be abit of a prob as he got no car... i rang him a month later and said im engaged and having s party pls come which he said defo.. the day before my engagement party i called him to remind him but phone was switched off so left msg and he didnt turn up nad he didnt rang me back....

he had told his mum - my nan - that he got the date mixed up and is waiting for me to ring him!!! i ve told my nan why cant he ring me?

sorry this is long!!!

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bump

i know this is abit grim but just wants abit of a advice thats all!!

Hi Biglips

I am sorry that you are not getting many replies. You sound really desparate for advice and help, but one of the frustrations in dealing with an alcoholic is that there is so little one can do except wait for them, when and if they decide that they need help. And that is very hard when it is someone you love/would like to love.

You sound so sad, and understandably so. You are grieving for the Dad you have not known and the Dad you would like him to be. It is worse for you, as you know that he is still alive, but he is still beyond your reach. The drink will keep him away from you as long as he chooses to keep it there. Al Anon could help you deal with your feelings as you can't rely on him ever to get in touch or to have a relationship with you, much as you would like it. You might need to let go.

In the meantime, it seems to me that you could write to him and tell him something of your feelings and include a photo of your dd too. That way you have an outlet for your feelings and and he will know of your dd's existence too. It also means that you don't have to be upset by seeing him close to, when he is not the person you want him to be. Maybe, just maybe your letter and dd might give him a reason to change, but don't bank on it. You have been hurt badly in the past by your Dad and you must protect yourself and your dd. An alcoholic can and will continue to hurt those who care about her/him, as long as the drink is there. Protect yourself and your dd, but use letters to keep contact going, if you want/need to. That way, you will know that you have done all that you can for him, and maybe you can move forward too.