M.I.L. PROBLEM. ADVICE NEEDED?

[Lainey6]

I will not have my MIL look after baby anymore but I feel bad at being cruel. I'll try to cut a long story short. If you wath Eastenders, my MIL is Pauline Fowler! I've spent years shedding tears over the problems this women has caused my hubby & I. I have always tried to diplomatically talk through issues as I did before baby was born, explaining what I expected, hoping she would respect our wishes, as parents etc. However, recently I found that she was using a 27 year old towel (which was kept in the attic) to bath our baby, as it belonged to father & was only brought out for the other four boys. In her words 'it was last used 18 years ago, so what is the problem?'. He's bathed every night! So why do it again? Secondly, she went ahead & fed solids to baby when I had not done this before. I was very upset & annoyed at this. Should I be? Thirdly, she kept me waiting outside her house for hour and half,after my work, because she was visiting other grandchildren (whom we rarely visit) my hubby told her to be home for 5pm she replied that 'days were over for people telling me to be home, and that she was visiting cousins because we never do it and baby should be brought up knowing them'! I was fuming! First time I have lost my temper with her. I never received an apology and drove the half hour journey home with baby crying because he was due a feed. Subsequently, she had messed up my whole bath/last feed schedule! Hubby works late on this night so I am always in a rush as it is. At present, I do not want her looking after him again and I am looking for a childminder. My sister-in-law (who I dont really get on with) never lets her babysit. MIL sees them once a week, which I always thought was cruel but now I am beginning to wonder... Help!!! I am a very soft person but I take so much, then I am a bitch! I feel cruel but hubby does agree with me. What do you think of this situation? Please be honest.

while these things may seem small to some, they are important to you. It is a question of respect. I would trust your instinct and not allow your mil to sit for your child. You are not being cruel. You can let your MIL have time with your child while you or dh are there. I never let my mil spend time alone with my kids until they were much older because she was the type not to respect my wishes for the child. I am a big believe in instinct and yours in telling you to keep mil from minding your baby right now. you are not cruel. You don't have to say this is what you are doing. Just advise you have a childminder, refuse her offers to mind but stop by with the baby and stay while she visits with the baby.

i too have experience similar issues with my MIL and in my experience, you need to:

1. trust your experiences / instincts - your childrens welfare is more important than your MIL's feelings

2. your MIL can see your grandchildren when they are with you - until she learns how you look after your children "your way", and is prepared to respect what you want and do things "your way" instead of "her way"

it took me 18 months to get to this position with my mother in law - and to be honest - i needed to get to a position where i knew what was important to me, and to let go of those things which were not important to me but very important to her - for example, she wants to treat my son to "jelly babies" which at first i really didn't want, but for the one sunday every few months, did it really matter ? no, it didn't - similarly, when she knew that giving him back to me with a nappy that hadn't been changed in four hours was unacceptable, she learned what was important to me

when i got to this positon, life became much easier

You are totally justified in feeling the way you do - MIL should back off and remember who's child this is. Hope you sort childcare arrangements soon. take care.

Sometimes things that MILs do differently are small things that don't matter in the grand scheme (e.g. koalabear's example re the jelly babies every few months). However, making you wait for her to come back and feeding soluids without your say-so are IMO not small things. If my MIL had done that, I would not be leaving my child alone with her until I was certain I could trust her. You are not cruel! Many gandparents would be delighted to see their grandchildren once a week - I don't think your SIL is cruel at all either.

on the issues you brought up:

1. the towell - don't fully understand what you mean - was it washed first?

2. the solids - i would have been incandescent with rage

3. the keeping you waiting - again this would have sent me into an absolute fury

I have a very firm rule - it's my way or the high way. you are the parent and what you say goes.
In your shoes i would not trust MIL alone with my baby until she has fully understood this (which might be never)

OK .. yes you should find a childminder .. and you are entitled to get annoyed at the lack of respect she is showing you

but try not to forget this is your child's grandmother .. and the bond between a child and grandparents is incredibly different

.. do not rely on her for anything .. allow her a relationship with your child on your terms .. if that's just invite her round to your house then so be it

be careful you don't let your fury destroy the possibility of an extended family for your child ... a sense of righteous indignation (however founded) can really destroy a family)

(btw the towel thing seems quite sweet to me .. but the other 2 examples are totally out of order)

I agree with vitomum. The towel thing wouldn't bother me (unless it was manky!!) but the other issues, especially the solids, would be more than enough for me to instantly cut down to supervised visits only.
I would also have your DH tell her exactly why you are not leaving the baby with her. And he has to make it clear that you are BOTH unhappy with the incident and not to let her think that he is just saying it to her to make you happy. And no second chances either. She might come over all sorry and promise not to do it again, but you have to show her that you mean it.

I for one would be fuming over the solids issue..... it is YOURS and your DH's job to decide when and how to start solids, not hers.

Also the being kept waiting... my god, she is not trustworthy enough, imho, to have your precious baby if she cannot keep to simple timings. If she wanted to keep having the pleasure of looking after your son, she should have thought about how her actions would affect that. Saying time is passed for her being told what to do when...... no, not in any sense if it is someone other than herself she is dealing with.

i know i am not saying this very coherently, but what i am attempting to say is that you are justified in your rage, and I agree that you should find other child care.

and as has been said make sure she is told why this is happening, and make it clear that there is no chance for it happen again. she has had her chance, now she will see the baby on your terms!!!

i had a mother in law like this.

her younger sister asked her to babysit once....when she came home MIL had cut his hair!! without mothers knowledge. she handled it very well, i think i would have knockd her out.

she has done similar to me.

As the others have said. no matter how little these things are if they are making you get upset then you need to stop her doing it. if she is so disrespectfull that she tells you that it was acceptable to wait for so long for no real reason then i doubt you get anywhere by speaking to her so yes, i agree you should find an alternative arrangment.

Agree with Twiglett.

unless the towel wasn't washed first? That would be yucky.

just to add.... i don't mean that baby should not see MIL but just atht it is with you there - so when you visit her or invite her over. TBH probably something similar to what your SIL does now.

I don't think it matters about the towel, as long as it was washed - it's quite a nice, mad old sentimental thing for her to want to do for her grandchild.

The other stuff however, is totally out of order and it sounds like she hasn't understood the boundaries of her role as a grandparent. She's not going to understand them by reason, as she's obviously totally impervious to reason, so you're going to have to try other tactics. Dictatorship sounds like the only effective one when dealing with this kind of MIL.

I agree with vitomum.

The towel- this would have offended me in the very beginnig, but as ds got older and I saw the potential relationship, I realised as long as it was not going to bring him any harm, then fair enough.

As for the feeding- I am furious for you here! My MIL gave ds a hobnob when he was only on second stage weaning. I had just left the room for a minute! I made my feelings known and replaced it with a piece of banana. There are certain things I will not allow, and IMO for good reason.

FIL is currently teaching ds to pull his hair then he pretends to cry. It's not the kind of thing I would do, and ds will not do it in our house for a reaction, but if PIL want to have that for the next 5 years, I say carry on!

As long as PIL realise I am his mother (and sometimes I wonder if they do!) and will make the decisions regarding his welfare...they can insist on him using a manky old towel etc but so long as he's not going to come to any harm then there's things I realise just aren't worht worrying about.

I think this is a good exapmle of why ILs should not do your childcare! They seem to automatically assume control! I think you're right to refuse now and get a nanny, that way you can dictate exactly what your child does, as you are paying for it. Good luck.

The towel thing is irritating but harmless, but the rest... grrrr.

When I had ds1 who's now 12, my mil used to fuss like a demented chicken about blankets etc - what to put over him, what to lay him on if he was on the floor etc. none of my blankets were good enough and I could feel fast rising irritation every time, until i realised that if she spent so long fussing about in her airing cupboard fetching the perfect mil family covering, chances were ds would either need a bf, or would be asleep in someone's arms, so she'd be forced to leave the little mite alone for a bit ! So I let her get on with it.

Def go for paid childcare if you can afford it.

Feeding solids without consultation definitely not OK.

Being an hour and a half late for hand over not OK.

There are pro's and cons to having grandparents looking after grandchildren, and everybody has to compromise a bit. I wouldn't be bothered about the towel, and I am laid back about routine if somebody else is providing me with free child care, but there are limits, and I think your MIL has overstepped the mark.

Mmmm...Food for thought! Thank you so much, everybody. Each of you have made very good points. The towel scenario:- I just thought was disgusting. It was old, rough and had stains on it! My other worry is that my mum watches baby 2 days a week so MIL's nose will be out of joint when I stop her looking after him. But, my mum is very respectful of our wishes & doesnt change any routine until I tell her to. My gut instinct is saying 'get a childminder'. I cant trust MIL enough, to give a second chance and I know if I explain how we feel it will not register and she will carry on as normal. So, it seems that I will just have to play the hard hand. Going by experience the softly, softly approach just doesn't work with this woman. I do still feel a bit harsh but I guess that, really, she has ruined it for herself.
Thanks so much again. Was really good of you all to give your advice. xx

Were you paying her to look after the baby?
Must say,applaud eco credentials of anyone using a 27 year old towel.

No. Wasn't paying her.
I can laugh now at the towel situation only because I think she is 'off her trolly' (mental!) As I told her at the time!