Sleepover peer pressure - what to do?

[mears]

This is a similar problem to TVs and videos in bedrooms. DD (age 10yrs) had a friend over supposedly for a sleepover last night. They had just got their night things on and were watching a video in the living room (by themselves) when her friend announced she had phoned her mum on her mobile to come and collect her. She wouldn't give a reason but insisted they had not fallen out. However, DH and I think the problem is that this little girl had a CD player, TV, video and computer in her bedroon therefore was bored at our house. We have all those things in the living room which they had access to on their own. DD had tapeplayer (will get CD player soon as she is the only one who doesn't have one) in her room.
DH and I have never wanted TVs and vidoes in our 4 childrens bedrooms - eldest is 16yrs. DD is youngest. I don't want them watching unsuitable things when we are in bed.
Her brothers have had sleepovers before and this has never been a problem.
Are we depriving her of a social activity by not having all these things in her room? Should we bow to peer pressure so that she does not feel deprived? Should we just stop having sleepovers (I hate them anyway). Was this friend just shallow? DD has not twigged yet that this was the probable reason of friend's departure. Opinions please.

Oh your poor dd. Was she upset ???? My kids are 1,4 & 6 and don't have anything like that in their rooms either. I am continually amazed by the amount of people who let little kids have tv's and videos in their rooms. O.k so your dd is 10, so not so little, but like you said, how would you know what she was watching. I remember having my t.v on in my room when i was about 11 and turning the sound down so i could watch things i wasn't meant to.
My kids occasionally have the cd player in their room and have asked for a t.v but i said no chance.
The girl had a mobile too then ??

Mears
I agree with you - the idea of tvs and videos etc in the bedroom has never appealeed to me. My two are still quite little but cannot envisage allowing them tvs etc until they are much older.

As regards the girl you had staying with you - you don't think she was just homesick. I would be very surprised if it was the gadgets that were to blame - normally they would be so busy playing and chatting they wouldn't notice would they?

Hope your DD isn't too upset - it must have been a big dissapointment when her friend went home!

Mears, we had a sleepover for dd birthday 4 weeks ago, there was no tv, video, dvd, computer and quite frankly if a friend had gone home in the middle of the sleepover I would have questioned it, was she ill, unhappy?.....maybe the girl had never had time away from her family before and found it uncomfortable? I wouldn't take it personally at all, the missing the tv etc, would have to be a pretty shallow person to put that before playing with friends, maybe she just felt uncomfortable (btw was this arranged weeks in advance?)...cos when we had sleepover girls were so happy to play with make-up, tell ghost stories, this is normal (does she know the friend well, ie. if a bit new to this and doesn't know friends well could be a little shy)..all I can say is don't worry, the girls wont be snubbing the fact that you don't have the hi-tech stuff, more there is another problem, they could be a little fuuny about staying over (can't see it myself...but as don't know you could find it uncomfortable..,aybe you could invite them over for tea and get to know them first...(pre-teenagers eh!!!!)

Hi, my DD is not yet two, so I haven't encountered what you're experiencing yet. But, we've decided too that our children wont have anything other that a means of playing music in their rooms (and possibly a bed, and that sort of thing! ). One reason is because of what they may watch, which we'd maybe prefer them not to. The other reason is that we really think it would be easy to become an unsociable family if each of us were hiding away in our rooms to watch our choice of programme every evening. (This is what happened in my DH's family, and in mine, when we eventually got more t.v.'s) I know in time, we're bound to feel pressure, through pressure exerted on our DD to change all this. But, we really feel it's right, so I don't think we will. I really feel a bit of individuality is a good thing too.

I would guess that the friend was homesick and didn't want to admit it.My dd has sleepovers all the time and it isn't unusual for someone to want to go home.It is usually this one friend who is "Little miss confidence and outspoken" and then bottles it when it nears bedtime.The girls don't bat an eyelid,just something this girl does.
I used to be afraid that i wouldn't beable to get to sleep and would be the only one awake in the house.I doubt it had anything to do with being bored although she may have said this to save face..
btw I totally agree with your stance on tvs in bedrooms.

Message withdrawn

I'd agree with the homesick thing.........my dd is 10 and its happened both ways to us, I had to get out of bed to collect her once. She made an excuse about having tummy ache but admitted she was homesick as soon as she was in the car.

I hate sleepovers too

I too would imagine that she got an attack of the nerves. I don't think that she would go just because there was no TV in your daughter's room. We are fortunate to have a spare bedroom which we have turned into a kids room come guest room - with futon, TV, video and playstation which the kids take their mates to. The kids do have a TV each in their rooms but they are out of reach and I remove their remote controls when I go to bed so no secret TV watching.

I would tend to agree with the consensus here that it's an attack of the nerves and she was saying it to save face. However, you seem very sure the lack of technology in the room was the reason, mears, and after all your posts on mumsnet, I would be surprised if you made a hasty judgement. I take it that this girl made it plain she wasn't impressed by your dd's bedroom? Did she have a music and film evening all planned out in her head? Sometimes, my son gets these set ideas and is deeply disappointed - unreasonably so - if life doesn't go his way. Anyway I'm sure you know all this, you've got older children so must be pretty sussed! There has been the odd time when my son has come home, instead of staying the night for a sleepover and usually he states a specific reason. The specific reason also makes him homesick so one equals the other.

I think it's very possible this girl did go home because the sleepover wasn't going as she had planned in some way. She got really upset about it, knew she was a guest so couldn't make a fuss, that in itself made her homesick so she called home. My son has had a variety of children from his school for playdates. Some are lovely - easy going, polite and grateful. Others are a bit distainful and demanding. I sometimes wonder if they see the playdate as an excuse to antagonise my son (and me, his mother) on home ground. They are not close friends to begin with and really seem to have no intention of becoming good friends with my son. It's not usual but I just weed out the bad ones from the good and don't invite them back.

Have you asked your daughter what exactly her friend expected? a midnight feast? favourite music in the bedroom after lights out? The answer would help determine if she was being mostly shallow and materialistic or also a bit immature and scared of admitting she was homesick.

Whatever, I wouldn't want to invite this girl round for another sleepover - they're enough hassle already.

Mears,

I think the little girl was probably a bit homesick, and wanted her mum. At 10 they try to be so grown up, but are still little girls at heart.

Don't take it so personally. Do you ever see her mum outside school or anything? I'd just ask if she was alright, was there anything you could do to make her happier?
Doesn't mean you have to invite her again, but might let you know what she felt

Thanks everyone. This little girl is used to sleepovers but this was the first one at our house. I feel reassured that you are not all screaming at me to get all these gadgets for her. To be honest, now that a few hours have passed I think it is a shame that this girl cannot be amused without all the mod cons. DD has an imagination and we can do without kids that don't know how to have one. She had a sleepover with her brother last night which made her feel better Someone call social services