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Original poster

My MIL's partner has just died and she is coming to stay, frankly, I'm a tad nervous!

13 replies

Carmenere · 22/06/2006 10:12

Unfortunately dp's mums partner died last night. He was 81 and lost a battle with cancer. Dp was never too fond of him as he filled his dads shoes a little too quick but he took good care of mil and loved her and her him.
Dp is an only child and we are her only family so naturally she is coming to stay with us today. This is of course absolutely fine by me as she needs support atm. The thing is I'm a bit nervous as I don't know her too well and I don't know how long she will be here for.

I have always got on well with her when I have met her (only 6 times) but I am nervous about how we are going to get on in a small house with a loud toddler and grieving pensioner.
I have warned dp that he has to take time off work as I really don't want to be left for extended time with a desperately upset virtual stranger. Oh dear, I know I sound hard hearted but I'm just posting here because there is no one I can really articulate this to atm.
Any advice on how to cope?

OP posts:
JanH · 22/06/2006 10:21

Oh dear, Carmenere

No advice but just wanted to say that I would have thought that the loud toddler will probably ease the situation a lot and help her feel better - hope so - good luck

Original poster
Carmenere · 22/06/2006 10:47

Thanks Janh, actually my mum said the same thing about dd being a good distraction for her and actually I have to go away a couple of times this week so she will hopefully feel useful insofar as she can help to look after dd. Unfortunately she is a bit too old to care for her alone but with dp's and dss's help she would be fine.
At the same time I don't want to overload her.

OP posts:
southeastastra · 22/06/2006 11:13

my dp is an only child too so and we see mil all the time. only advice i can give you is remember she won't change and develop a thick skin! (although she may be nothing like my MIL!)

post on here for sympathy and try not to argue with her! it's lovely that you are inviting her to stay.

lionheart · 22/06/2006 11:20

We did something similar, Carmenere, the year before last, with widowed MIL coming to stay while she looked for a new house to buy. It was an open ended invitation (makes your hair stand on end just to think of it, I know) because we had no idea how long it would take her to find somewhere. We did it with a certain amount of trepidation, that's for sure, but knew it was the right thing to do (I certainly didn't know her too well and was only just pregnant with DS2). You might discover that the loud toddler helps the grieving pensioner and as long as she has somewhere she can go where she can close the door and be alone, I'm sure she'll be fine. If you start to feel the walls closing in then make sure you get your DP to step in so that you can get OUT, and vice versa. Good luck.

Original poster
Carmenere · 22/06/2006 11:23

Thanks SEA! Good advice, as I said I get on allright with her but I know she can be a bit bullish but it will be a case of just keeping my mouth zipped as the poor old thing is obviously going to be devastated.

On a more practical note - our house is really small but we have a very good pull out sofa bed. I was thinking that we should offer her our room so she could have a bit of privacy, you know in case she needs to have a sob or whatever. Dp is not overly keen but I think she may need a bit of privacy, I know I would. What do you all think?

OP posts:
JanH · 22/06/2006 11:27

Definitely give her your room, otherwise everything you all do in the living room will be detrmined by what time she goes to bed or if she needs a rest or something. It will be difficult for you and DH but easier than the other way round.

lionheart · 22/06/2006 11:28

Yep, give her your room.

Original poster
Carmenere · 22/06/2006 11:28

I agree Janh and I think I may just insist on it rather than let her protest.

OP posts:
JanH · 23/06/2006 09:50

How is it all going, Carmenere?

Original poster
Carmenere · 23/06/2006 12:29

It's not going too badly actually Janh. She's a nice old lady really and she is quite reserved so isn't being too demonstrative. Just a bit weepy here and there but she is already talking about the future and moving house ect so I think that is positive.

We gave her our room and that worked well as the poor old thing was wrecked. She is ridiculously grateful to us for looking after her which I don't really understand as we are her only family. Dp's ex I gather was consistantly nasty to her so I'm doing very well in comparison

So far so good and I'm going to Ireland tommorow for a couple of days so I think it's going to be ok.

OP posts:
JanH · 23/06/2006 12:33

Thank heavens for a MIL who is a nice old lady who appreciates other nice people

Hope it continues to go well - enjoy your trip to Ireland!

lionheart · 23/06/2006 18:41

Glad it's going smoothly for you.

Original poster
Carmenere · 23/06/2006 22:23

Quick update, she seems quite chipper considering the circs but I reckon as he had been ill for quite a time they had talked about what would happen after he died and so she knows what she wants to do. She is going to sell her house and buy one near to her sister and dp was even showing her ones on the computer today. It's the first time she has seen a PC at work and is very impressed. Wouldn't it be fab if I was to give her a few basic lessons and get her online???
Anyway I have to say she is looking forward to looking after dd tommorow(dd loves her)when I go away as she says it distracts her. Dp and dss will be here to help her so but I think she likes to feel needed.
Suits me as I am going to stay up all night drinking and dancing and will be refreshed and ready to step back into super dil mode on Monday

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