Stranger Danger - not sure what my rule should have been?

[ladymuck]

We've just come back from a day out at Hever. Within the grounds is a wonderful water maze which occupies the boys quite nicely. We had set up camp with blankets, picnic etc. Ds1 (5) was playing in the maze watched from the side by dh whilst ds2 (3) was with me in the ice-cream queue.

Suddenly a crying ds1 is brought towards me by another woman and her husband with the explanaton that he had fallen in the water and couldn't find me. What ds1 explained to me was that he had fallen in , got out and had gone back to the blanket but no-one was there (Dh was circling the maze so would have been at most 2 minutes away). This woman at the next blanket jumped up and brought him to me (though in fact ds1 was asking for his dad as he had known that I was going on the ice-cream run).

I'm torn - on one hand I am obviously very grateful that another mum was on the lookout for an upset child. On the other hand rather worried that ds1 was taken somewhere by a stranger. (And we've obviously learned that we need to keep a much closer eye on ds1 than we had thought). In our chat afterwards I had said that he had done the right thing in coming back to the blanket, but that Dad would have been along in a minute and it would be best to wait next time.

I'm just slightly unsure of what my "rule" should be? To complicate things we have told him that if he is lost he should find a mummy, but that wasn't really the case here. What would your rule be?

how worrying for you

ds is not yet 2yo, so we haven't had to worry about this yet - but isn't it likely that a concerned adult would go and talk to a 5yo who was by himself, and help find his parents even if he was waiting in the appointed place iyswim?

Is he old enough to explain to a stranger that he's waiting at the place he's been told to wait and should stay there (i.e. the adult should wait with him rather than taking him off to find you)?

It's a difficult one - in that I think any child is likely to be pretty distraught at finding no parent where he expected them to be (not quite sure how he came to be on his own and fall in the water). I think most parents would react the way the other lady did - and really I don't think it really is a stranger danger issue, but rather an issue for keeping a closer eye on him at this age.

What do you expect him to have done? He was already crying - most people around would have seen him coming back to the blanket with no parent around, soaking wet and therefore would have been completely unfazed if he had started to protest at someone helping him out. So if he had kicked up a fuss then no-one would have batted an eyelid.

I think the whole point of stranger danger just wouldn't have worked in this situation.

I think there is no one hard and fast rule. Every situation is different. In this case luckily the couple were nice and brought ds to you and most probably 90% of people will be nice and harmless and helpful. But at the age of 5 children should nevertheless be taught to be suspicious of strangers and the rule really should be that when outdoors a parent should always be within view and earshot.

Sorry not much help in terms of what to tell ds but hopefully someone wiser will be along soon.

I think it is because it is the first time that it has happened to us- and I guess that this is were the "stranger" risk is. After all, no stranger is going to try and entice him away from me if I'm with him. These are exactly the circumstances when he is most at risk.

CM I think that he is able to explain that he is meant to stay where he is - I'm just wondering if having the 2 rules (1 - go back to the balnket, 2 if you're lost find a mum) is going to cause confusion, hence wondering what other people's rules are.

Difficult situation. On behalf of the lady, my mother found a young boy in the park waiting for football. It had bee cancelled and the parents had left(?) Mother let the young boy phone home and then was in a dilema. She could leave him but was also worried about having the child in her car. Luckily another dog walker arrived and Mother put child in her car and sat in the other. It is awful that we are concerned about the integrity of others and how other view us. W

However my DS1 went missing at 18month. He was found by DH sitting on a funfair ride.What got me was no-one noticed a child without its Parents.

It is so hard isn’t it? We have done a very gentle stranger danger thing with our DD1 (5yrs) and have focussed more what to do if you are lost - ie. stand still, look around, shout our christian names loudly and wait until we come. If we don’t appear and are in a shop, ask a female assistant if you see one, alternatively if you see a mummy with other children, ask them to help you. It is awful and it is sexist, but I think the odds are that if your child really needs to ask for help, they should ask the "best odds" person around and in my book, other parents are my preference over single men etc It is not very pc but, the whole topic is very hard to deal with.
I worry about DD1. If some bloke came up to her and told her he had a puppy in his car/mummy had asked him to pick her up for her/he was a policeman etc she is not likely to question them for an instant whereas DD2 would just bite them!
No parent wants to frighten their child or remove a certain amount of innocence about the big bad world, but I think information is vital, what, how and when is the tough one!

I taught my children to go to a fixed place but public person eg a shop assistant, ticket seller, waitress, this works pretty well in most situations...

Personally I would never worry about what people would think about my actions..I would rather act in good faith to protect a child knowing I was a safe person than chance anything happen to a child..if necessary i would co opt another person to help

Ah well we have a different idea of 'stranger danger' with our DS who is 6yo.

Stanger danger is about staying close to M & D when we are out and about - holding hands in busy places and not wandering off where he can't see us.

It is about no-one he doesn't know ever being allowed to pick him up from places - ever - and if someone should try then he must kick up an enormous fuss!

Out and about - rules are to go to shop assistant or someone with a uniform on. At theme parks and days out - like Hever castle - they always wear a cap with my and DH's mobile number written inside. They know that if they become separated from us - they must find someone in a uniform, or shop etc and ask them to call us on our mobile and we will come and get them.

TBH though our main message at this age is that they must not wander off in the first place!