10 things you didn't know about motherhood

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I've definitely had the full frontal lobotomy in number six!! Never had it replaced either.

One

Beans on toast will become the epitome of haute cuisine, and making a cheese sandwich will take longer than Delia Smith takes to list the utensils in her kitchen

Two

You will no longer be able to walk down the street without fending off a barrage of mad geriatrics who assume that all new mothers have nothing better to do than listen to their entire life story

Three

However proud you were of your stylish home pre-baby, it will be miraculously transformed into a jungle of brightly coloured, irritating, tune-playing plastic

Four

The thought of sitting in a circle, grinning and singing about squirrels and pandas suddenly seems like a 'lovely idea' rather than a scene from The Invasion Of The Happy Clappies

Five

Your new superpower is to survive without sleep, covered in sick, with poo on your trousers, and still love ITV

Six

While you are distracted by the pain of childbirth, the medical staff surreptitiously perform a full frontal lobotomy and replace your brain with a lovely, soft, pink cushion. This may or may not be reversible

Seven
Said lobotomy could affect your judgement too: beware the lure of leggings - they are not your friends, however comfortable they may suddenly appear

Eight

The thought of whipping out your boobs in the front window of Starbucks on the high street will no longer qualify you as a either a streaker or Sam Fox

Nine

You will become fascinated by poo! Never before has the colour, consistency and frequency of someone else's crap been more interesting or more valid a topic of conversation

Ten
The Teletubbies will start making perfect sense

LOL All so true Can I just add that I have discovered that I can shower, wash my hair in less than one minute. And that I now inhale my dinner so I don't have to eat it cold. Oh and if one more person says 'how low down is your c section scar?' I AM NOT SHOWING YOU MY BITS!!

you see that's where you're going wrong .. whenever people ask you should whip out your scar and thrust it in their face .. word will get round and they'll stop asking

LOL along with my strech mark covered jelly belly??

I haVe found that the shower run-off of shampoo from my hair washes me well if I rub quick enough, and that I can do this while singing Twinkle Twinkle, and wiping soap scum off the bath with my feet.

You and dh take turns to eat dinner. Dh cuts up your food and you eat with one hand whilst bf-ing baby with the other.

You get throw up in your hair, shit up your arm and dirty nose all over your shoulder and your dh still says you look nice Oh and you don't ask or get asked if you're tired anymore because you both know that this is how you're going to feel until your lo is old enough to appreciate a lie in.

I still throw t-towels over my shoulder now as a substitute of all those months when I used to do it with muslim cloths.

babywipes are an excellent paint remover!

babies smell, you always smell of whatever they smell of at the time

you appreciate getting up at 7am, it's a lie-in FGS!

you will now easily be able to bore yr childless freinds, often without realsing it

oh yes the wetwipes - a god send

If you stand up without a baby in your arms,you still find yourself swaying backwards and forwards.(that might just be me and a bad habit)

"The thought of whipping out your boobs in the front window of Starbucks" I did this only this morning!! :o

LOL!!!

The Red Mist will descend if there is even the hint of a threat to your precious baby - you will find yourself hurling insults at pedestrian crossings when cars go through as the light changes to red as it might, just might have endangered your child!