Advice needed for a male friend about his wife

[LadyTambaOfTambaTown]

My male friend is 41 and has been married for 17 years. Him and his wife married at 18, he is six years older than her and already had a string of buisnesses. She was homeless and had nothing and he put her through law school and she has been a well established family lawyer for 10 years.

He frequently works abroad for up to a week at a time, home for a day or two and then flies off somewhere else.

anyhow, a few weeks ago he called me and said that he thought something was wrong with his dw. she seemed to have changed.

He works with internet/phone security so was able to check her emails/calls etc. She had been away for a week on holiday and usuing his contacts abroad he found out that she had spent the week with another man. Further digging revealed that she is currently seeing 3 other men

She's admitted to 2 of them. He intercepted an email from the bloke abroad confirming her arrangment to visit him again in 2 weeks.

She has said she wants a few months alone to see other men and have some space and in that time he is welcome to see other women. She has gone to stay with her family, leaving the children behind (2 young ds's) He flies to lanzerote on saturday for a week and then she will have the kids.

he doesnt know what to do. She has told everyone that they have seperated yet only told him a couple of days ago. Hes devestated.

He doesnt know whether to let her go and have her space and hope she comes back

To refuse and give her an ultimatium and risk losing her or keeping her and having her continue to cheat on him and resent him and feel trapped - pushing her further away

To finish it completely and ask for a divorce and risk losing his boys who he adores (shes a family lawyer remember!) he is worth millions so a pay out would lose him alot of money too.

His main concern are the children, his wife is an occassional alcaholic - binge drinks

He loves her and doesnt want to lose her but doesnt know what to do.

Any advice to give him? Hes been put on anti-ds and his work is suffering. I dont know what to tell him.

his wife is an utter loon. I can't imagine staying together would be good for the kids when it's making him this unhappy .

If he has millions he can afford a good lawyer. Judges do tend to err on the side of keeping the kids with their mother, but her behaviour won't help her case.

As a woman who's dh asked her for a separation I can honestly say it's horrendous not knowing whether he's coming back or not. He also had an affair which he says is over and he needs his own space. But it's hard to believe him. However, sat here in the USA made me realise that this is where I want to be and I'm staying put with or without him. Why would he necessarily lose his children - she's the adulterer/alcoholic. Why should he put up with her having affairs. I'm sure her family law practice would be horrified if they knew what she was doing. I would tell him to give her an ultimatum and perhaps consider counselling together to worth through issues which she obviously has. Hearing about her behaviour sounds like she's probably not going to go back. Give your friend a big hug from me and say I know exactly what he's going through. The upside for me is I have my darling ds's. Sorry for the ramble

He doesnt want to lose her He loves her. But hes getting hurt.

I dont think she has ever said the affairs are over she fully intends to cary on seeing these other men. Her idea is that she will have a few months alone and then think "omg i really miss D" and then will return with the 'grass is greener' thoughts out of her mind.

Thats what hes hoping too. But in the meantime it is going to severly fuck his head up. He is kind and gentle and is still putting her first when he should be thinking of himself and the children.

He wants me to tell him what shes thinking, where her minds at, as a woman. But i dont really know. I know that when they met she had a lot less confidence than she has now, maybe she is feeling trapped and looking for a way out. I feel so bad for him. He was almost in tears on the phone.

Would quite happily strangle his wife

He over heard her on the phone this morning (and so did the 7 year old) talking to the bloke she met on holiday, saying how much she enjoyed his c*ck. I cant imagen what it must have felt like for him to hear that convo. He said he just went back to bed and the 7 year old climbed in next to him and they just lay there. Not sleeping but not wanting to move either

Allie - she owns the firm. And who ever said money can buy happiness....

Damn, double damn. Sounds to me like she's looking for a way out. God I feel so sorry for him and the 7 year old. Fancy talking like that knowing they could hear you . She could be playing him - wanting him to throw her out - she'll know all the legal loopholes won't she. If I were him I would take legal advice. He should go away somewhere and chill out for a week or two. Draw up a list pro's and con's for the marriage. He musn't let her play with his head, it's completely self-destructive I know. My self-confidence is pretty much shattered. To be honest right now if it wasn't for my boys and friends I would be devastated too. I honestly feel she wants out for good.

It sounds like whatever he does she has made her mind up, so letting her go would be the best option imo. Then maybe they might talk and work things out from there, giving her ultimatums and trying to stop her from going will make her more determined to.

It must have been terrible hearing her speaking so frankly though

"he's afraid of losing her". tbh I think he already has. Any person who can have a conversation like that with their lover in front of their partner and child clearly has no respect. It may be that she wants out, but it may also be that if he was her first, the one that changed her life, she now feels that she missed out and wants to go and do a bit of exploring and experience being with someone other than her h. I read somewhere that it's not uncommon for people who marry the only person they have ever had a sexual relationship with to cheat later in life. That still doesn't make it right though.

If I were him I would go and seak some legal advice. I think though that it's unlikely he would lose his children. Although adultery isn't considered reason to take children away from a person, the courts take a dim view of someone who effectively walks out on their children as she has now apparently done. Also, divorce is a two-way process, she may have a lot to gain from his businesses but so does he, and she has a lot to lose. If it's her family law firm he could make her sell it and she would lose a lot of her credibility as a lawyer. Dividing up the assets doesn't only count for the man.

. as im going to copy this thread to him and he needs all the advice he can get!

thank you for replies so far :)

he 'was able to check her emails and calls'? on what planet is this acceptable? if someone came on here and said her dh was checking her emails there would be shouts of dump him immediately!

sorry for your friend and all that, she has obviously not behaved well but if my partner thought this was ok i would treat him like shit aswell. and this guy is only at home a few days a week while she works full time and looks after 3 small boys? does not sound like an ideal life to me

and i may be going through uni while my dp pays the bills, but if i wasnt with him i would still have done it. i do not consider that he is putting me through uni. i doubt your friend did the work for her.

am i missing something or is this a wind up? keep re-reading the post but it doesnt make sense, sorry

oh, and as for actual advice, if he wants the kids full time he needs to provide them with a stable home and be around for them. courts dont just award custody to the mother, they do lots of reports to find out who is most capable of looking after them. what is he planning to do with them while he is abroad? there is a good chance he would get contact for 2 days a week anyway.

still wondering if its a wind up

if it was the other was round we would be saying to the wife that her husband was a b and she should not tolerate it at all. My dh was given custody of his child his wife was exactly the same but not with the money. for a child to hear any parent take like that must be awful. yes she may come back,but i suspect this has been going on a long time. ur friends sounds so gentle and loving, he needs to protect himself and the children.

I don't see why people are suggesting he should go for residence. She's the one who does the lion's share of the childcare, from what your post says. Are people really suggesting loss of residence should be used as a punishment for having an affair?

He's in an awful situation and I do feel for him. He's not in control here. All he can do is decide how he wants to respond. Very, very hard.

dh was given custody because his ex had an affair and she and the bf then neglected dss both mentally and physically. dh was workinf full time and ex was at home. doesnt nesscesarily stand that the person who is fulltime carer is best.

just out of interest, was it him who thought the bit about him putting her through law school was relevant or you, tamba? if him, that could be your explanation.

but either way, it sounds like he's lost her already like the others say. and if he wants custody he needs to sort out the foreign trips - if he keeps flying off so much they'd be better off with her.

Just to clarify - My friends mother does the bulk of the childcare. They both work full time. He is abroad alot and she also has alot of holidays - she spends one week a month in kuwait (sp?) with friends (and now this new bloke)

I think he is within his rights to check her email and phone seeing as shes shagging half of Ireland.

GigglinGoblin... Why would it be a wind up???

SP - that was me, I was just trying to give as much background as possible. My theory was something along the lines of when she met him there was things about him that she needed, sercurity, stability etc and now that she has her own carea and confidence the things that she used to find attractive are no longer there. does that make anysense what so ever?

on a another view. It maybe that she to some extent realises what she has missed, and that she has felt tied to you friend for so long indebted and she is having the midlife crisis that we expect of men.

could be. but 17 years is a long time to stay with someone for the money, especially when you have a successful career of your own for 10 of those years.

don't get me wrong - the talking in front of the son thing was not on and she's being horrible to this man. but it doesn't mean she was a gold digger from the start and doesn't mean she's all bad.

I dont think shes a gold digger, she has her own money. I think that they got married very young and what she wants and needs from their relationship has changed and that she feels trapped but its trying to get out of it in the wrong way iyswim.

could your friend cope with a 'open relationship'

17 years is a long time - almost half her life. She was very young when they got married. Sometimes what's right for you at 17, or 24, or 30, isn't right for you at 35. Very sad for the person who is left but it happens. I don't think it's reasonable, or particularly useful, to think 'I put you through law school so you are obliged to stay with me forever'.

I honestly don't think there's any magic solution for him here. He'd be better off thinking about getting a divorce lawyer and trying to sort out money/living arrangements/ residence and access as amicablyand reasonably as possible in the circs. There's a perfectly natural urge to fight back when someone is hurting you, but in this situation, it won't do much except prolong the agony.

Btw, I went back to university when dp and I had been together for three years. I had a full-time course (which really was full-time), part-time jobs to earn money, plus work experience. I really appreciate dh's support – he was working full-time – but I don't feel obliged to stay with him forever. I stay because I still love him. Sounds like that isn't the case for yoru friends.

im sorry, i dont think he is justified in spying on her at all, it is totally out of order. i also think it is bizarre that he would leave the kids with someone he thinks is an alcoholic and an unfit mother. if he was that bothered then he would be at home looking after them. i am surprised that this is all perfectly acceptable to you, as if a mner posted that her dh had been spying on her etc etc everyone would be telling her to leave him

i think its just a crap situation, he isnt going to be able to make it better, its just a time will tell thing. if she is away as much as he is then they will probably have to work out shared custody or something. either that or one of them will have to change their lifestyle big time! if she hasnt got the babysitter she cant go away, she will have to choose which is most important. if she is as awful as you seem to think she either wont want them or wont get custody so he should have nothing to worry about. its not actually necessary to go to court over who the kids stay with btw, they can work it out between themselves if they remain on ok terms.

i dont think either of them are blameless, you dont just suddenly decide that its ok to spy on your partner after 17 years, i find it hard to believe he has been a saint. obviously what she has done is awful, im not saying she was right either! i hope for the sake of the kids they can work something out, they are the ones who will suffer most if not

I along with many others really think that he should let her go. This is not a relationship that seems worth keeping. she's shagging aroubd, he's also betraying confidence (but not as much IMHO although I knw others will disagree)by checking her mail.

If he does have millions he needs to look at his life seriously if he wants to give his boys a good home life. Could he reduce the amount of hours he works? Delegate? There must be a way that he can work more from home so that he is there with them, stop working for a while and live off his interest (I'm pathetically poor so have no concept of how much interst millions gies you!)

I do feel for him and the boys but he needs to finish this realtionship as soon as poss.

gigglingoblin

I havent said shes an awful person, infact ive tried to understand her...

quote me "I think that they got married very young and what she wants and needs from their relationship has changed and that she feels trapped but its trying to get out of it in the wrong way iyswim."

"My theory was something along the lines of when she met him there was things about him that she needed, sercurity, stability etc and now that she has her own carea and confidence the things that she used to find attractive are no longer there"

I never said she was an unfit mother either - I said she binge drinks. If that makes her an unfit mother then so be it.

He read her emails - she's sleeping with 3 men. wouldnt you want to know? wouldnt you check up on your partner if you suspected an affair? Of course you would.

"If he was that bothered he would be at home looking after them" errr hes keeping a roof over their head, paying their school fees. hes trying to support his family

How can you try and put the blame on him when shes the one having the affairs?? Shes away alot too but he hasnt fallen into someone elses bed!

Edam - the bit about him supporting her through law school came from me, i was just trying to provide some background. Its not something hes mentioned in regard to this, something that came up in convo ages ago :)

Lil - I agree that imo his relationship is over but he wants to fight for it cause he loves her etc, I dont think hes thinking straight atm. I said that even if he wants to try and work things out maybe he should quietly see a soliciter to see where he ould stand with regards to the kids etc if they do split.

I dont entirley understand what he does, but i know its internet, phone and bank security and he has to travel alot so dont know about delegating etc.

Hes in Ireland by the way - are laws regarding divorces and stuff different there?