Any gay Mners? Advice/thoughts on coming out?

[ComingOut]

I've changed my name for obvious reasons but will likely revert to my old name when I'm ready. This is big.

I've been enjoying a relationship with a woman for the last 5 months now. Prior to this, I'd never been with a woman. In the past I've found women attractive but never pursued anything but didn't have the opportunity. I've gone through a lot in recent months dealing with my feelings for this woman and how it will change things in my life. My dd's dad is likely to be ok(ish) with it but that's after the initial shock. We haven't been together for 5 years and he's happily with someone else. I've been single for about year after a 2 year relationship ended.

I'm not about to move in with this woman nor she with me. I've not told any of my real life friends. I think I've been waiting until there was something to say. I think now there is. But how on earth do I go about it? They all think I'm the one with bad luck with men. It's going to come as a shock to them though I am hopeful they'll all cope.

DD has no idea yet. I don't see the need to "tell" her as such but will answer her questions if she does ask. Like any other (het) relationship I've been in since splitting with her dad I've kept it from her until it felt serious. That's only happened once in the 5 years.

So are there any gay mners who can provide insight into how they went about it?

I can't help with advice but just wanted to say good luck with this exciting and scary period of your life :)

CO, as a child of a gay father, who told me at 11 yrs old, i would take professional advice from one of the groups for lesbian/gays on children. its likely to cause some upset in her if she doesnt see a similar sitution in her school or with friends. and i am sure those groups can offer some very good advice.

my dad is lunatic! as well as gay but my mother was very clever about the whole thing as were our schools.

that was 23 yrs ago and things have changed alot society wise, and there is more awareness amongst kids, back then there wasnt so i'd make sure her well being, physically and emotionally is your priority , thus that confidence in raising her happily will hopefully overcome any negativity u receive.

hth

Hello! There are a few of us gay Mners around and about - I'm here, and my partner whose mumsnet name is Juno.

I'd say re: coming out, take it slowly - choose who you want to tell - start with good friends who you think will be fine about it - to give you confidence! How old's your dd? We've got 2 ds's who are 4 and 2 and they've grown up having 2 mums so it's different, but we regularly talk to them about families and how different and special each one is - how some children live with their Mummy and Daddy, some with 1 Mummy, some with etc.etc..! Ds1 is just about to start primary school in September so we've booked an appointment to see the head next week to talk to him about making sure ds1 feels included if and when there are ever discussions about families - just so his teacher is aware. Things like putting 'mummies' on mothers day cards, and them knowing that it's OK for him to make a father's day card because he knows and sees his Dad aswell.

So when you're ready to talk to your dd, maybe go and see her teacher/headteacher so they're aware of what's going on.

Good luck!!! It must feel daunting to be right at the beginning of coming out - but it never ends! Every day you're out with your partner, or talking to someone new at work or even someone you meet on the street, you make mini decisions about what to tell them - it can be hard, but if your dd is around you, she'll be listening to how you describe it and whether you use the word 'she' when you describe your partner etc.etc...

Anyway, just wanted to say Hi and anytime you want to chat I'm usually round and about on Mumsnet!

Hi There,

I'm not gay myself but thought I may be able to offer a tiny bit of advice, one of my younger brothers is gay, he came out about 3-4 years ago now. In the run up to coming out he got himself sooooo worked up and stressed about it, he was even making plans to leave home and come and stay with me (he was 16-17) in the end my Mums exact words when nhe announced he was gay were "Oh what are you making such a fuss about I didn't have to announance the fact that I was hetrosexual" she then carried on stirring the dinner!!

I suppose what I am tyring to say is don't get all worked up about it you will make it ten times worse and try and keep it all relaxed when you tell people.

With regards to your daughter I would listen to the wise words of Dotty.

Good Luck for the future

I knew mumsnet would come through for me. Dotty, good advice. I am obviously mostly worried for dd (she's 6). She is however quite clued up and I can recall months ago when we were watching the news and it mentioned civil partnerships she was so excited she could marry a girl. Let's face it - she's 6 and boys are yucky then. Obviously she doesn't get any of the implications but she is aware that other types of families exist. I've been a single parent for 5 years and her now lives with his girlfriend and her 2 kids.

I am going to have to start with my closest friend. I'll see what she says and go from there. It's just plucking up the courage to actually do it. It's quite easy to go on with the status quo but I do want my girlfriend to meet my friends and even though I've referred to her as a friend, I don't think they have actually clued in to anything. Nor should they given I've never given them any reason to even think I'm gay. And then that raises the whole am I gay question. I actually think sexuality is something that can be fluid ... I'm happy to be where I am now.

Hello again! Yes, I agree - I've always liked the idea of a flexible sexuality! I think the key is stressing the normality of it all - that it doesn't matter whether Mummy's with a man/woman etc., and it doesn't matter who your dd ends up with etc. Certainly for ds1 it seems very important and exciting for him that we're having our civil ceremony in July - he loves that we're "getting married" - it's also important to him in particular that he's got his Daddy around (who lives down the road). I think it all helps him make the adjustment from his own family setting to most of his friends' more ordinary ones!

Good luck with telling your friend!!!

DD's dad is around as is her extended family on that side. The thought of actually telling anyone seems really hard. Maybe just doing it is the way forward. Can I do it by email??!

Oh how exciting! I wish you all the best, can;r offer any advice but can offer support!!! Good Luck with telling your friends :) And hopefully they will be as supportive as you need them to be!

I think what you are doing is taking an enormous step into the unknown and you will be fine :)

CO - I remember when I came out I wrote quite a few letters - although this backfired slightly when my Mum (I was about 20 at the time) found one of them and hit the roof..! But letters were a good idea for friends I didn't see that often.

Good luck!!

Just wanted to wish you luck CO!

Our neighbours are gay -one of them has a 10 year old daughter from her marriage. She is a lovely girl, so well adjusted and close to her mum and mums partner. She still has a good relationship with her Dad too.

In fact my DD (6) often says "X is really lucky as she has 2 Mums"!

CO - good luck with this new and exciting time in your life. Whatever your partner's gender it is an exciting time for you and I wish you all the best. You will probably find far more support than you anticipate in RL. If it were me in your situation I would approach this new relationship in just the same way as if it were a new man.

A few months ago my 14 year old dd announced she was dating a girl - it was as daunting/exciting/nervewracking for her in exactly the same way had she told me she was seeing a lad. It didn't last long but it made my family realise that it was nothing abnormal. In any case I firmly believe people should not be judged on their sexuality.

Thanks for all the good wishes. I've decided (perhaps cowardly) to hold off on telling anyone for a while yet. I want to tell them but fear I'll tell them and the relationship will all fall apart. Irrational or what given it's been going very well.

QE, I admire your daughter's courage and hope that should my dd ever want to tell me that, she feels she can. I wish I had the same courage.

Coming Out - if it doesn't feel right yet, then it's not the right time! Take your time and don't feel pressured to tell people. Is your partner 'out'?

She is out to her friends but her parents don't know though she thinks they do if that makes sense? Her brother knows and she is close to him. It makes it harder because her friends know all about me which I like but my friends know nothing and it seems like I'm hiding her away from them. I don't want to do that. I care about her very much and know it's something she wishes I would resolve though, of course, is being incredibly understanding.

I guess where you live is also important. We lived in Brighton for 12 years and it certainly wasn't unusual in DS1s school for a child to live with "two mummies" or have a father who lived with another man; the kids weren't bothered in the slightest. It mightn't be as easy elsewhere though; we only moved 10 minutes away but I'm not aware of it being quite so easy-going here (though that might just be the people I know). Good luck whatever you decide to do

Geography is an issue here, too. She's in somewhere much more open about these things and she's friendly with a famous gay person. I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere but think all in all it's not a bad area to come out in.

I've sent her flowers today because I think I've been a bit distracted by all this the last week or so. Plus she started a new job on Monday.

It's such a shame that you have to worry about coming out, it shouldn't be like that. good luck with your daughter. -remember how amazing kids are at accepting things!!

my dh's sister (15) came to stay last week, she started talking about someone she was going out with -It was so natural the way she just said, 'her name is abbi' I was really pleased that she felt comfortable enough to talk about it to me but it also made me pleased to think that her generation are just so much more aware and naturally easy with the idea of gay relationships.

I did it. I told one real life friend. It was fine. She was shocked, I think, but supportive so that was all good. Lots of questions but acceptance and love. Phew. So whilst not out, I don't feel totally in anymore either. Good feeling!

congratulations!!!! Hopefully with each person you tell you'll feel more certain about how you feel - whether that's gay or bisexual or whatever. Brilliant your friend was OK about it - do you feel inspired to tell more people now or is that enough for the moment?