wisdom

[squirmyworm]

Hi MN'ers. I need your collective wisdom please.
If you had a friend who was pg (not intentionally) and did not know whether to have the baby or not - nothing outrageous, just 'am I ready, is this right, bad timing' issues and you were so suffused with adoration for your 3 month old ds you could barely think straight, would you a) butt out as all advice you can give will be so subjective as to be useless b) think that subjective advice on the joy of motherhood may be just what she needs at the moment - it's a point of view after all. discuss. please

Difficult one, but I think if you can, you need to hold off from giving advice and just be there to listen.

I think it would be wrong to influence her either way as it is a life altering decision and not one which she should rush into.

In theory, Think I'd tell her I couldn't give objective advice & try hard to not discuss further with her.
In practice (because this situ really happened to me), just listen and don't say much of anything.

hi squirmyworm

I think if she has asked for your thoughts/advice then you should be honest, tell her all the fantastic things that motherhood entails and explain that your view is slightly biased for obvious reasons.

However, if she isn't asking for your advice/thoughts and you're wondering whether you should tell her how much you are enjoying your motherhood as a potential means of influencing her decision then I think I'd be hesitant.

But please remember that this is just my point of view from this angle. Wait for a collection of thoughts from others won't you?

Wouldn't give her subjective advice if I were you, it could be that you are unwittingly very compelling and persuasive and might talk her into keeping the baby - only for her to resent you later. Just listen and be supportive.

In my humble view ! ( ), the dominant ideology perpetuated by society is that motherhood is totally fulfilling, exciting, rewarding etc - so that's the prevailing context in which she has to make her decision any way.

This must be so difficult for you. I know I couldn't really be much support if my friend was in the same situation. I found it incredibly hard to hear anything about abortions when I had babies (still do). I am all for free choice, but just couldn't be involved in the decision-making process at all I'm afraid. As a mum to small children I am far too ruled by my emotions to give good advise or be of much support. I think that's what I would tell my friend.......

I had this situation with a very close relative who had been my birth partner and spent lots of time with ds. He was also 3 months old. She asked for my advice, which I found very difficult for the same reasons you give. I told her motherhood was the best but also the hardest thing I had ever done, and pointed out that I was lucky enough to have a husband and a good job so no money worries ? it would be a lot tougher in her situation. She decided to go ahead after speaking to her boyfriend (she had already told him but they live in different parts of the country so they couldn't have a major conversation until he came up at the weekend). Happily they have sorted things out and are moving in together and have made plans about her career stuff. I'm not sure whether my 'advice', which I hope was balanced, helped at all but at least everyone's happy about the pregnancy now, after the surprise. Not sure this helps... but at least it's another perspective?

Oh, and I also reminded her my pregnancy was planned so very different situation from hers.

Sorry to add another point but obviously also said I'd support her whatever she decided and there was no shame in having a termination if it was the wrong time for her, etc. etc.

Just posted this on the other thread (no title) so thought I'd better move it...

Presumably you wouldn't be able to see her at all if you couldn't talk about your divine ds! You can certainly let her know how happy you are without it looking like pressurising her.

How enthusiastic were you about being pg? Even if yours was 100% planned I bet you had some doubts sometimes about your readiness (I know I did - every time!). Maybe you could mention those feelings as well as the delight and adoration.

i had a friend in this position - but she was devestated and wanted someone to talk her round. i realy wanted to- but i coldnt - i dont want to make up her mind for her.

i emplyed a lot of active listening skills - to people who are not aware of this they are usually so engrossed with their problem that they think they are having a conversation with two people - in actual fact they are doing all the talking and usually come to their own resolution.

takes patience - listening is after all a greater skill than speaking imo