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Original poster

HOW do I let this go? Will I always want another baby?

24 replies

puddle · 25/05/2006 11:13

I've posted about this before. I want a third, Dp doesn't. He knows how I feel, I love him more than life, he's a great dad, he just wants to stop at two. I just can't talk to him about it any more because he's beginning to get cross with me and can't understand why I can't move on. I told him how much I think about it the other day and he looked vaguely horrified.

I feel like I'm going a bit mad with it - I just want to be able to accept it and appreciate what I have here and now rather than grieving, and that's how it feels which is RIDICULOUS after having made the decsision 5 months ago more or less, for this fantasy third child who is so real to me I can almost see her.

How can I help myself to just accept it and move on - sorry if this sounds trivial to people with real problems, it feels totally self indulgent reading back but I'm beginning to think I'm losing it a bit.

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mears · 25/05/2006 11:17

I don't know how to advise you - there is no way I could accept your situation. My DH did not want 4 but I insisted and he gave in. No 4th baby - no sex. Worked for me but DH obviously was not as adamant as your DH. Why should he have the final say?

NotAnOtter · 25/05/2006 11:18

I think when he thinks about how much it means to you he will come round....give it time!

JILS · 25/05/2006 11:21

Puddle, are there practical reasons he doesn't want a 3rd (eg financial)? My dh doesn't want a 2nd because of the problems we had with my DS as a baby, which put a lot of pressure on our marriage. Emotionally, I was wrung out, so I know where he's coming from. There is still a part of me would love a 2nd though!

Original poster

puddle · 25/05/2006 11:23

No, he won't come round. I am absolutely sure he won't.

Mears - don't you think he should have as much say as me? It's his family and his life too.

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Original poster

puddle · 25/05/2006 11:25

Jils his main reason is that he wants to move on, our children are 3 and 6 and we are just coming out of the small child stage. He sees that we are soon going to have two children in school which will free us both up to concentrate a bit more on work (we have both gone part time to share childcare). I think the financial issue is there too, although it's not the main one.

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Dior · 25/05/2006 11:27

Puddle - Yes, he does have as much right to the decision as you. My dh is exactly like yours, and we only have ds! I had to decide which was more important, dh or another child, because we would have split up over it if I had kept on about it. Eventually, I accepted the situation, grieved for about a year, and then took a part-time job which I loved (WW) to give me something for me. Ds is nearly 5 and I now know that I don't want to go through the first 3 years of a child again. However, I still have a tiny part me that yearns for a baby.

ComeOVeneer · 25/05/2006 11:30

Its a tough one. I agree both of you should make the decision, not just you. I am in a slightly similar decision, dh is reluctant (but not totally opposed) to having a third, I really want to, but he has resently been put on a medication that prevents us from trying to concieve. He would have to stop taking it for 6 months to get it out his system before we could try.

JILS · 25/05/2006 11:32

Puddle, you've got to try to "sell" it to him. Maybe, not a good choice of word, but men are very practical. For every reason he has not to have another, you need to be able to show why it is a good idea. (Or at least make it sound like it's a good idea!! I agree that it's his life too, Puddle. Do you have family who could help with childcare to let you both work? Would it be possible for you to stay at home and dp to work full-time? Do you think the thought of him staying at home p/t with a baby is part of the problem?

Original poster

puddle · 25/05/2006 11:38

I've tried selling it to him Jils, honestly, we have talked it all through, looked at all the options and issues and he won't change his mind - he has good reasons for feeling how he does.

I need help to accept that this is how things are going to be. I don't want it to poison my marriage or make me feel resentful. Dior, it's useful hearing how you have come to terms with it and moved on.

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LeahE · 25/05/2006 11:43

Yes, both of you should make the decision, not just you -- but also not just him, which sounds as though it's the way it is at the moment. If he doesn't know how much it means to you then he's not making an informed decision anyway.

You both need to talk about this and it's unreasonable for him to get "cross" about it just because he's happy with his decision (well, d'oh! of course he's happy with his decision). Whatever the final decision, you need to be able to talk this through until you can each find peace with the decision, and he needs to understand how strongly you feel (clearly you already understand how strongly he feels), otherwise it's just brushing your feelings under the carpet because they make him "cross" or "horrified", and I think that that will prove destructive in the long run, whether or not you have a third child.

mears · 25/05/2006 11:49

Puddle - he does have as much say as you but it seems to me he is overriding what you want. Different if you both had agreed to no more children. You also said that he was horrified when he realised how much it meant to you. That makes me think that you have not fully discussed this openly and honestly with him. Make sure you do not just 'give in' because he hasn't fully listened to you.

What is stopping him returning to full time work? Having another baby need not interfere with that plan does it?

My Dh only has one brother where I had 4 sisters. For me it is important to have a alrger family because I think it is good to have family support. I do know that there are many families who do not get on and that argument can be flawed but it works for me.

Dior · 25/05/2006 11:49

Puddle - I don't think that the tiny bit of me that yearns will stop until I have had the menopause. Then, I'll probably resent the fact that it's too late. However, I'm 36 now, and feel tired all the time. I can accept that sleepless nights and pooey nappies are not really what I want to be doing again, especially with an energetic 5 year old! It does get less painful with time, honest!

southeastastra · 25/05/2006 11:57

I know how you feel puddle Im in same situation with two boys (youngest is 4), dh says no more even his mother (!!) says twos enough no budging thats it! decision made for me :(

Dior · 25/05/2006 11:58

SEA - His mother definitely has no right to input on the decision!

Original poster

puddle · 25/05/2006 12:01

Well, I guess if he doesn't override what I want I'll be overiding what I want. There's no mid way for this is there? One of us has to 'win' and the other lose the argument. I think he knows how much I want this. But he doesn't. And we do have two children. It's not as though he's stopping me from having any.

Maybe I do need to talk to him about it again. I think he thinks I'm obsessed.

Dior I am going to be 40 later this year and do feel it's now or never. Maybe that will help me come to terms with it sooner rather than later.

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southeastastra · 25/05/2006 12:03

Hes an only child she is domineering, I can't argue with them anymore. 'Youve got two lovely boys you don't want any more' its like arguing with a brick wall - both of them. I've had it for 15 years.

Heathcliffscathy · 25/05/2006 12:03

puddle. i did a long thread about this in chat which got extincted. i have only ds and am in same boat (like dior). i'm trying very very hard to get my head round it. somedays it's fine. other days i get a rage and sadness that knocks me sideways and often end up spitting bile at dh at inappropriate times (liek when we've been out for a lovely night together).

dior you give me hope that i can accept it somehow.

it really really really sucks though.

Original poster

puddle · 25/05/2006 12:08

Sophable I think I posted on your thread, I remember it.

I do feel there's a difference between when you have one child and want another and my situation. Three children does feel like an indulgence which is why I can understand dp's point of view. I would find your situation incredibly hard.

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Original poster

puddle · 25/05/2006 12:10

I know what you mean Sophable too about bringing it up when you've had a good time together and it just ruining the evening totally. DP and I have had lots of nights like this which is partly why I started the thread - I have a feeling I may wreck our holiday next week by bringing it up at any opportunity.

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Heathcliffscathy · 25/05/2006 12:10

puddle, your yearning is real though. really real. so shouldn't be dismissed. but i hear what you say about the difference.

Original poster

puddle · 25/05/2006 12:25

Ok i think I will leave it for next week, concentrate on having a lovely time with my family and see how I feel when I get back. Leah thanks for your post, this has struck a chord with me

"Whatever the final decision, you need to be able to talk this through until you can each find peace with the decision, and he needs to understand how strongly you feel (clearly you already understand how strongly he feels), otherwise it's just brushing your feelings under the carpet because they make him "cross" or "horrified", and I think that that will prove destructive in the long run, whether or not you have a third child".

Thanks all, off to do some real life now.

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joelalie · 25/05/2006 13:31

Puddle,

I don't know when it goes away but it does after a while. Not completely as I still remember the early years with nostalgia and sometimes when I see a tiny baby I get this ache, but most of the time I don't think about it and if I'm honest I wouldn't really want to go there again.

I agree with the others about ensuring that your DH really understands how you feel. But once he does, and if he still hasn't changed his mind, then you will need to try to move on. More children have to be a joint decision. Our third was a mistake which horrified both of us equally ...at first! This was inspite of the fact that i grieved for ages after DD was born because she was my 'last' including getting and recovering from PND ...but the grieving process was what allowed me to move on. DS#1 is much loved now. However I would say that we found that 3 kids was a lot harder than 2. I was 38 when DS#2 was born - similar age to you from what you say.

Try to think through the reasons you want another baby. Are you sure that it isn't simply that you want to relive your experiences with your first babies. That was what I wanted I think - and of course it's not the same the second or third time round.

I don't know the answer but I hope you find some resolution soon.

joelalie · 25/05/2006 13:37

Meant to say that DS#1 is much loved now (of course DS#1 is too).

Original poster

puddle · 25/05/2006 15:46

Joelalie I have a very clear idea in my head of the family I want and it has three children. My imaginary third child. Partly because of my own childhood - I think the dynamic of three is better than two where the sibling rivalry is somewhat diluted, I always wanted lots of children (although accept we could only just about deal with three).

My attitude has always been 'I adore our children and I want another one', my dp's is 'I adore our children why do we need any more?'

Doesn't help that my kids want a brother or sister too (absolutely unprompted by me - of course this is not discussed when they are around).

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