dilemma - school run deal has changed & I don't like it...

[TW]

In the middle of last term I started a school run with a friend who was doing more or less the same as me every day. We have 3 children each. Our eldests are at the same school, same timings (full day); our #2 are at the same nursery school, same timings (9-12); our #3 are however slightly different - hers is older and has various different activities each day - mine is only 21 mths, and while he goes to nursery 2 mornings, he is otherwise with me.
It started off fine. There is so much detail I could go into, and may have to at a later point, but the problem is that she has changed jobs (from one p/t to another) and has done so on the basis that I can get her chldren to where they have to be on the days she works. This actually involves quite some compromise on my part. I have to get up at 6.30 instead of 6.40 - doesn't seem like too big a deal, but that time is spent/wasted in between dropping off the two sets. ie I have min 20 mins with 4 children in the car fighting, because I have had to take hers off her in order to allow her to get to work. I also have the commitment of getting her youngest to wherever he's going although it doesn't tie in with my children at all.
She had a 3 week trial and it has just been confirmed but she has given it all the go-ahead without consulting me, even though we said we would re-assess our arrangements at the end of the 3 wks if it was going ahead - there was no guarantee as it is a new post.
I don't know what to do now. As it stands I am doing 4 morning runs and one other every school day. I would far rather just be independent in the mornings, and share the two pickups. But she seems to have accepted this job on the basis that I can deal with her children (ages 6,4,3). She had to use a childminder for her old job, which was evenings, so there was a gap between school coming out and her hubby collecting them. Would it be unreasonable to suggest she drops them at a childminder for distribution on the mornings she works? I don't want to ruin our friendship, but she seems to be getting all the benefit here and me making all the compromises.

The whole point of sharing the school run is that you each get something out of it. From your post it seems as though you are getting very little out of it. You're not just driving them to school - you're acting as a childminder.

Have you had a chance to speak to your friend and tell her how much this bothers you? It sounds as though you are being taken for granted in all of this, especially if she is making these big decisions without consulting you first.

No, I haven't really had a chance - the kids are always there and tired and ready for a meal. I am actually planning to call her and pop round for a chat tomorrow - I just need to feel that I am doing the right thing. I don't want to cheese her off - she's not just a fellow mum, she is a friend too. The job was confirmed on Wed, and there wasn't a moment on Thurs to talk. On Fri I tried to say that we needed to look at timings (ie that I couldn't work it as it was so she would need to adapt her work timings) and she told me she had already told them what time she'd be able to start - therefore what time we have to meet for the changeover. I know this sounds I bit garbled - am trying not to bog you down with detail!

TW - I know it's going to be tough, but you have to sort this out. Two close friends of mine ended up in a similar situation, and it dragged on for ages - one feeling exploited. Eventually their friendship has been completely destroyed, and they never speak to each other at all now. Work out what you think is fair and reasonable from your point of view, and what she is doing to balance things.

FWIW I occasionally think about sharing school runs with friends (mine are 4 and 6), but atm I just don't want the hassle, and mine argue with each other enough at the moment without adding other children into the picture ... also they want my undivided attention after school to tell them about my day.

So be selfish; put yourself first; put your children first, and don't do more than you feel happy with.

Maybe you could think up some kind of compromise. Tell her that you've been finding it really hard but don't want to leave her in the lurch. Perhaps she could get someone else (a childminder or another friend?) to take her youngest to some of his activities and then you could still take the older ones with yours.

Thanks. I know you're right. That's absolutely what my instinct is telling me. Part of the problem is that dh reckons "that's what friends are for" so I feel a heel. I have to say that sharing the picking up is a Godsend as we are a good 20 mins drive from the schools so each round trip takes at least an hour and there's only a couple of hours between getting back at lunchtime and setting off for the afternoon one. But I think that's the point - it can still be hugely helpful to BOTH of us for those two but it's too one-sided in the mornings. Thanks for your understanding

Roscoe - yes, that would be ideal but (here comes some of that detail) there is no-one else in this direction (v. rural) and it's also part of the problem - I do hand over her youngest to another friend who also drops one at the nursery and then goes on to the playgroup - but he's still my responsibility until that handover - and if the other friend's child is ill (and she's therefore not going to p/gp), for example, then it all falls back on me, not the child's mother.

Eeeek! That's not just a school run - you're an unpaid childminder!

I know in an ideal world we try to do everything possible to help our friends but at this rate you're going to be running yourself (no pun intended!) into the ground! Don't feel guilty about telling her it's just not possible for you to manage it all. You can't be expected to take on so much responsibility.

Is it possible to ask her to do more of the afternoon pick-ups (or all of them?).

Thing is, Zippy, there are basically 3 runs a day (which isn't true at all as the youngest two go to nursery - one on Tues, one on Wed, and both on Fri - in a completely different place so that has tended to be another run) - morning, when they are all dropped, lunchtime, when the middle ones are collected, and afternoon, when the 2 big ones are collected (I say big but they're 5 and 6). Here comes some more detail: if I were doing it myself, I would drop ds at school @ 8.42 (he can be there any time betw. 8.30 and 8.45) and then dd at nursery @ 8.50 (9 on a Monday). This has been fine until now as her older two are exactly the same. However, in order for her to be at work on time, I get the hand over @ 8.15, do the school drop @ 8.30, and then have 20 - 30 mins waiting, with four aged 4 and under whining in the car about why I'm not letting them out, and me tinking wistfully about those 10 mins in bed I lost.

TW, what a PITA! I agree, you're not getting enough out of this and the detail in your last post just shows how silly the current arrangement is from your point of view. She absolutely shouldn't have taken the job and just assumed these timings were OK without consulting you. I wouldn't do this to a friend, it's very presumptuous imo. I'd see if you can come up with a compromise but if you can't then I'd just stop sharing the school run altogether.

Hi TW

I thought the idea of school run shares were that you both got something out of it. Your "friend" seems to be taking advantage. If I were you I'd have a chat - either tell her that you're not happy with the situation, or suggest that she pays you for your time - taking her children to/from school, groups etc. I don't think she's being fair to you at all.

Thanks everyone - I really appreciate your support. I just get so churned up about these things and give myself headaches and it's good to know that I am not being completely unreasonable. I did actually speak to her this afternoon, and she sort of sucked her teeth and hummed and haa'd and sort of said "OK then, so which ones ARE you able to do?". I just stood my ground and said that I was more than happy to do anything that tied in with what I would be doing for my own children, but much more than that and I simply didn't get anything out of sharing. We are carrying on for this week and I suspect that she is planning to amend her working hours so that she can get there later and hand the children over to me at a time that suits me best. I resent the fact that I have to spell it out quite so clearly to her as I feel it makes me seem unreasonable - I wouldn't dream of asking someone to deal with a child (as in the case of her youngest) who didn't tie in with their own normal activities, and I suppose I just expect the same consideration from others. We'll see what happens. I've taken the first step and just cross fingers that the solution she comes up with suits BOTH of us...

Good for you, TW - for telling her first and then for standing your ground - and don't let her make you feel unreasonable, you're not. Well done

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TW it sounds to me a bit like she assumes that because you are not working you are free to be used as some sort of taxi service. She is basically handing her children to you every morning at whatever time suits her and saying "your responsibility". I dont think it is on, and I don't think it is really a school run that she is asking you to do... it is much more. If she can't manage to get the children to school and do her job, then she should be paying a childminder or nanny to do it for her, or changing her job, not imposing on a friend and putting her out 4 days a week.
If you want to still get the benefit of the afternoon run, I'd tell her that you will take the older two to school for drop off at 8.40 and 8.50, but you can't manage the younger one (who sounds v complicated with a multiple handover... poor thing!). tbh I think you would then be doing more than your fair share, but it would be the same runs that you'd be doing anyway. The only way you can tell her is straight out.