rec ipes

[apaintedveil]

This is a support thread for people in AS/NT relationships: these are our tentative recipes for success. If you are looking for something else, please look elsewhere.

There's a mix of NT and AS men in my life, I reckon.
Now one of the NT men can definitely be very focused about his own interests. At times when he's thinking about them, he may not properly hear what I'm saying. He likes practical solutions to emotional problems, e.g. 'If you're unhappy what can I do to help.' But he's unlike the AS men in my life, in that he's interested in what's going on for me, he's understanding and has a whole emotional life of his own. My brother can be a bit uptight, and is not very expressive - but when I talk to him on the phone he's very good at remembering the details of my life, knowing the right questions to ask and taking in the answers. With both there's a genuine sense of interaction - the communication might have limitations/frustrations. But there's a sense of two people being there and wanting to make it work.

With the AS men in my life, it feels as if such interaction as there is, is very skewed and lop-sided. They might be sitting at the table but it feels as if they are in their own, rather faraway place. If I make a really big effort I can go and inhabit the place that they are in. But they could never in a million years do the same for me. (It would not occur to them to do so.)

The times I have had other people's husbands OFFER to do things for me (fit roof boxes, lift heavy things, etc) whilst DH has stood there blankly, not realising that HE could be helping me. And I don't make it easy, because I am too proud to ask for help. But the downside is, my opinion of him just goes further and further down. He has NEVER changed a lightbulb. I am not exaggerating. He actually wouldn't know how to.

I think that in the same way that there is support for the families of people with cancer or where someone has committed suicide or who has alcoholism, it is good to support those who are trying to maintain family life when this is heavily affected by the particular needs of someone who isn't neurotypical.

But it maybe that research to date has been very much focused on the needs of the individual who has AS, and less on the whole pattern of relationships surrounding that person.

Perhaps what's needed is for people to share their experiences of getting a counsellor/psychologist with appropriate expertise.

My own impression is that specialist provision is extremely patchy, and that the people who need assistance most will often find it hardest to access it. If a GP is a first point of contact, will they be helpful? It might be that if a partner who is ASD is holding down a decent job and the household is outwardly stable, a doctor is not going to regard a partner's unhappiness as pressing. The most the partner could hope for is a number sessions with the practice counsellor.

Or someone whose marriage is unhappy might contact Relate. I'm assuming the Relate training does not currently cover issues in ASD/NT relationships is any depth, if at all.

Deciding to go the private route is an option for some. However many people have posted here about finance being a difficult area of communication in the relationship. Given that private counselling for individuals starts at around 40 a session, how many couples are going to be able to agree - and have the resources - to invest in a series of sessions. (I'm assuming that the rate for couples counselling may be considerably higher.) If the counsellor feels that it would be useful to see the partners over quite a long period we are talking about four figure sums. (Less money for spouses to pursue their special interest, less money for bills, petrol, essential items.) Plus there's possible need to pay for babysitting, the cost of getting to sessions if the counsellor doesn't live five minutes walk away.

It's an almost entirely unregulated profession with a wide variety of approaches. Most counsellors will claim to be able to work with a huge range of issues. However it may just be that they're interested in these topics and have covered them briefly in training. Does this mean that people who are stressed and vulnerable should be prepared to open up their soul to a private practitioner who may have good intentions, but very little relevant experience?

One of my biggest sadnesses is that I used to live on hopes and dreams and planning for a future. I've never been allowed to do this in all the years with dh. Initially, not ever having met, married or gone out with anyone who didn't also share in this way, I didn't notice. Over time though I realise it's a real joy-killer to me. Not being able to discuss plans for a future feels like an unspoken way of saying we don't have a future. It's also been very subtly controlling. If you don't speak out and share your hopes and dreams, you don't start to build/save towards that shared goal. Consequently, money just gets spent on whatever he thinks important that day, week etc. It's mean and sucks the joy out of life.

Speaking for myself: if I seek self-actualisation, which is at the top of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, I would have to leave dh. I would find a man who can love and cherish me, be interested in me, bother to remember traumatic things that happened to me in the past, help me, support me, share my ambitions and hopes for the future, care about me. I will never get that from dh. Never. So I will never be the person I could be.
It is shit for me, because it is a repeat of how people have related to me in the past - abusively. IF I wanted to live a healthy life, I would choose a non-abusive relationship to heal my life. Instead, I am staying with dh. Really because of the dc - but, yet again, that is me putting others' needs first, to the huge detriment of my own. Unhealthy!