“H believes that if I have a different opinion from him, I am wrong because either I have not had the facts pointed out to me (which he does painstakingly) or that I have deliberately chosen to ignore them or am too stupid to understand. There is no space here for toleration of different views save through silence. Nor is there for a different approach to resolving it. It is competition VIA dialectic. Negotiation and laissez faire are not possible. Nor that I might already know the facts, have selected a different set or placed another interpretation on them, or have come to a different view via experience, intuition, etc.”
“My dh has that typical AS "black and white with no shades of grey" view of the world, and moved frequently before we met as he always seemed to either piss people off, or get pissed off with them. I refused to do so after we married and moved to our current house. He doesn’t get on with our neighbours on either side though, and also thinks everyone is gossiping about him, and thinks I am "disloyal" for trying to have a reasonable relationship with the people we live next door to! He also used to change jobs frequently as he would have personality clashes with his work colleagues, and he felt they were deliberately causing him problems, whereas in reality, these were normal work disagreements, which someone without AS would shrug off and get on with things. Things are a lot better now as he has had an official diagnosis made, and his current job both totally suits his personality and AS traits, and his workmates make allowances for some of his more peculiar habits.”
“I haven't been able to shake the thought that he really doesn't like me very much. This kind of exchange happens very rarely and usually if I get an unexpected sharp reply a bit of time and distance is enough to get over any feelings of upset. Just occasionally it happens when I am feeling really tired and vulnerable.
I know AS plays a large part and it is worse for him than me. The problem is that I don't feel strong enough to cope with it just now.
I realise I need to find a way to say the verbal abuse is not on. I'm sure he blames me for upsetting him & I don't know if he will be willing to take responsibility for the way he expresses (sudden) rage. I'm sure he keeps a lid on it a lot & would find it very tough to change but I can't see an alternative.
There has to be a way to disagree or get annoyed without lashing out so strongly.”
“Have told DH he cannot rely on me to nurse maid him in his old age. He went white. This hit home. For the first time.
Have also told him that if he does want me around, he has to take action. I have been unhappy too long and fail to see why I should be so for the rest of my life. If he does, I too will take action and we will see if we can work something out.”
“One thing Ive grasped from those of you with older kids to us, is that THIS WILL NEVER CHANGE. I think part of me thought it could be fixed and wed one day be just a regular family. Its sounds daft, but it’s like a little death. Im not one for planning big futures, but there must have been a part of me that hoped our future would bring with more fun & spontinaity, anxiety free days/nights out, romance. Hey, Im not in the least bit materialistic, but a birthday/christmas present would be nice .
I now know (after a major meltdown recently) that I will have to be the planner of everything for ever and ever and ever...”
“But, it's NOT fair. I have learned what DH needs. I've spent hours poring over the net, scrabbling around for information and tips and pointers about how to make it work. I have adapted my behaviour and modified my expectations.
What is he doing to understand how I am wired? How to modify his behavoiur to accommodate MY needs? How to make ME happy? Feck all, frankly.
He's smart. He CAN learn to do simple things for me – but he CHOOSES not to because these things are of no value to him.”
“Something struck me so hard though, that I have to talk about it. It was a paragraph about "family days out" where someone said that her DH plans things that interest him and expects everyone else to fall into line with him, regardless of what they actually feel or want.
That para made me cry (stoopidly). Such an accurate description of what I have now normalised after all these years, which is that I have no real say over what we do together. If he has a plan, it happens. If I have a different plan, it doesn't. There are odd exceptions for things that I stand my ground over, but the mental energy required to drive the thing through and withstand the almost-sulkiness is immense. It's not just days out either, it's holidays, houses, repairs, purchases, etc.
It. Has. Always. Been. Like. That. With. Us. Always.
It is particularly acute on holiday. I cannot stand being on holiday with him. I feel so trapped and voiceless. We were with another couple. The contrast between their modus operandi and ours was very marked. They operate as a team. They ask each other things, and reminisce together. They give and take. They take each other's opinions seriously.
Of course, DH thinks all is fine with him and that it is me who is depressed, anxious, drinks too much etc etc. I am the one with issues, according to him. And it it is easy to believe him.”
“I've just had the most amazing convo on ParentLine, so supportive and useful. I've used them before and they have been without exception, patient, insightful and supportive. I had an AS/NT dilemma which normally I'd have phoned my mum or sister about but they are both unavailable at the mo. So while I thought the issue was a bit minor for a ParentLine call, 56 minutes later and a huge amount of washing of the proverbial laundry, I feel cleansed, relieved and unburdened, with a positive direction to take.”