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Original poster

How many of you are not earning an income but still put child in nursery some of the time?

82 replies

handlemecarefully · 28/01/2004 11:38

I'm discussing the possibility with my dh of taking a career break and being a SAHM for a couple of years ( I have an 18 month old and I am expecting a baby in April). ...... until my youngest (yet to be born) is about 3 years old - when hopefully I might be able to consider some new career direction.

I have suggested that whilst a full time SAHM I would still like dd to go to nursery for perhaps two 5 hour sessions per week (eg Mondays and Wednesdays from 10 - 3 for instance). My reasoning is that this is good for her..and I'll admit, very good for me!!!!

He thinks that this is an enormously self-indulgent suggestion when I would not be earning income to cover the cost, and he is very sceptical that anybody anywhere ever does this. So I would just like to carry out a bit of research:

Do any of you put your child in Nursery for a few hours per week in similar circumstances (i.e. when you are not ostensibly earning anything yourself to cover the cost)?

OP posts:
sobernow · 28/01/2004 12:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

debster · 28/01/2004 13:26

My dp is a SAHD and I work full time. We still send dd to nursery 3 mornings a week. We think it essential for her to meet and socialise with children her own age. It also means dp gets a few hours a week child-free (another essential as far as ones sanity goes). It is not being self-indulgent at all.

pupuce · 28/01/2004 13:29

We put DS and the DD and DS to nursery 2 days a week and DH was at home full time.... I thought HE deserved a break but I also did wonder if I had been the one not working.... if DH would have been this generous ! It did cost us £900/ month at 1 pointg with only my salary.... and DH at home

dot1 · 28/01/2004 13:37

My dp is a SAHM and our ds who's 2 has just started going to nursery for 1 day a week and I think it's invaluable - for him and her! He gets to play with other children and she gets some much needed rest. We're expecting baby no. 2 in 8 weeks time, so for 1 day a week we'll only have baby to cope with, and ds will get a break away from it! It's not at all self indulgent - very sensible, particularly with another one on the way - good luck with persuading your dh!

150percent · 28/01/2004 13:39

DS1 went to nursery from 20 months (when I was 3 months pg with ds2) for two 5 hour sessions a week - definitely a lifeline. Once he reached 2.5 he started playgroup for the other 3 mornings (2.5 hours each). From Easter the playgroup will be fully-funded and he will go 5 mornings a week - he loves it.

DS2 (9 months) spends 3 mornings at the gym creche whilst ds1 is at playgroup. I probably wouldn't send him to "nursery" until he reached the same sort of age as ds1 did, but you definitely need a break esp with another on the way.

Nursery wasn't cheap - round here it is £174 per month for the 2x5 hour sessions. Playgroup is cheaper (£5.50 per session) and will be free once he is 3.

DH is starting to wince a bit as I'm using the gym crceh 5 times a week, but then he is also keen that I lose some weight, and not so keen to look after them by himself at the weekend whilst I go to the gym.

You're definitely not alone - at nursery a lot of the children are just there for one day a week to give the parents a break!

Browbeaten · 28/01/2004 13:40

I looked at this for dd when she was nearly 2 yo but all the nurseries wanted a min of 2 full days and I couldn't justify the expense at that time (London prices). However, when she was 2.6 yo she got a play group place 5 mornings a week for 2.5 hours a morning which was cheaper and this saved my sanity and let me spend a little more time with the baby. I think it's good for the child and for the sah parent.

Fennel · 28/01/2004 15:19

ALL my SAHM friends except one do this (and she's going crazy). it's not indulgence it's sanity. No other job demands 24hr days 7 days a week, everyone needs a break.

morocco · 28/01/2004 15:39

ds starts tomorrow for 2 afternoons a week- i started my maternity leave last week so I guess I'm still being paid but he'll stay in nursery for a few afternoons a week when my maternity leave stops.
I think it's really good for him - he's a very sociable 16 month old and loves meeting other kids and can learn lots of new skills. thats the main reason why he's going; also when the new baby comes it will be time for him to be able to play and get good quality attention while me and new baby can chill out at home together too
hope that helps

Gem13 · 28/01/2004 15:51

HMC - Like morocco, I'm currently on maternity leave with an 18 month old DS and expecting number 2 in 2 weeks.

DS continues to go to his childminder on the 2 days he went before but for shorter hours, like you were thinking in fact, 10-3. Lots of reasons - he loves it there (bigger boys to play with), I need the break with being so pregnant, plus we will both need it when the baby arrives. We also moved house just before Christmas and I felt there were too many changes going on (in retrospect that hasn't really had an effect on him). At £30 a week (which will almost be met by both children's child benefit) it's well worth it.

Can't say it's all that indulgent either. I usually end up in the supermarket, doing the washing, running errands in town (dentist, opticians, etc.), get the dinner on but with the stereo on and lunch in front of the tv. Sometimes I even fit a nap in... And there's mumsnet to catch up on!

I hope you manage to persuade your DH.

click123 · 28/01/2004 15:58

I thought everyone agreed with the research that states it helps children to socialise and prepare for school? Or am I missing something? Every SAHM I know wouldn't dream of depriving their child of the opportunity before they start school plus the nurseries round here encourage you to stop now and again as again it is said to boost the childs confidence and help them feel special.

click123 · 28/01/2004 16:01

Plus also what's better for your child... being dragged round the supermarket, being told you'll be with them in a minute while you try to do the housework etc etc or having some proper attention with qualified staff and playtime with peer group which beats sitting in a shopping trolley plus having to sit in a car seat there and back?! (then wait for you to unpack groceries etc etc etc SELF-INDULGENT - tell him to try it!

Janstar · 28/01/2004 16:04

I sent ds to a childminder 5hrs a week from the age of 3 months and gradually increased it to 5 hours 4 days a week by the time he was 3. He now goes to her 3 days and nursery 1.5 days.

I wouldn't have had a baby in the first place unless this had been agreed, I just can't cope with childcare, it does my head in.

Your dh should realise that you have sole care of dd all the time he is out of the house. (In my case that's 12 hours a day, so I have sole care of ds for 35 hours a week after childcare is deducted). You also have to share the care all the rest of the time while dh is home. Whatever way you look at it you will still be spending more time than you would in a full time job.

Also he needs it explained that happy mums do much better job for everyone. Dr Phil says it is not a gift to your family if you allow them to suck you so dry you have nothing left to give.

JennH · 28/01/2004 16:12

I am going to put E into a nursery when she is a bit older for a few hours a week, so she gets used to it before i return to work.

Slinky · 28/01/2004 16:25

Mine have all gone to nursery from about 2.5 for a couple of mornings a week - even though I was at that point a SAHM.

Gave me time to do the shopping/hairdressers/dentists etc and other boring stuff without the kids.

And I'd make your DH fit in the shopping/appointments etc with your then 21 month old and newborn baby!!!

BearintheBigBlueHous · 28/01/2004 16:44

Handlemecarefully, I do it (2 days a week for dd and ds will do the same in the Autumn) and I'm a SAHD - it's official, a bloke says it's NOT self-indulgent. It's good for the children to develop some independence and it's good for me. In the two days I have free (or one later in the year, as we're staggering the two of them) I get to enjoy some "me" time, ie the washing and ironing, shopping and cooking etc that doesn't get done when you're full-on parenting.

nutcracker · 28/01/2004 16:47

I'm a SAHM and my dd goes to nursery 3 days a week. Two of the days she gets almost free because of the nursery grant, but since xmas i have payed for her to go an extra day because they thought she would benefit as she goes to school in september.

ghengis · 28/01/2004 17:08

My DD is 3 (just) and goes to nursery 3 mornings a week. It is mostly for her to help her socialise but it also us a break from each other. I don't feel remotely guilty about it and when her vouchers kick in (next term) I will increase her to 5 mornings a week.

prufrock · 28/01/2004 18:01

hmc I'll be doing exactly the same when this baby is born in May (dd will be 2). Totally agree with mrcheese - dh can only ean his salary because I am doing full time childcare so half of it is mine and I have completely equal rights to decide how the money coming into the home is spent.
I think it will be important for dd - she goes to nursery full time at the moment and loves it, and important for me to have that one on one time with the new baby.
(Nobody has disagreed with you yet - I think you might win this one)

elena2 · 28/01/2004 18:11

HMC, I'm planning on going back to work in the next few weeks and have been on this website .

I was having a play about with figures, and if I went back to my old job working 3 days a week, and paid for the boys to go to nursery the other two days, what we would get in tax credits virtually pays for the nursery fees.

I don't think I would actually seriously consider that option for lots of reasons, but have a play about with figures on there, you might find that, without your wage, you'd get quite a bit of help.

Millie1 · 28/01/2004 19:32

I do too ... DS is 27 mths and has been going 2 mornings a week since he was a year old. It took him a while to settle but now he loves it and I love the break - especially now that I have an 8w old second DS and it gives me time to spend with him. I use the time to clean, cook, catch up on stuff or just sit and read the paper and have a cup of coffee sometimes! I really need it to save my sanity - it can be a long week being a SAHM with DH working long hours, although I love it and wouldn't change it for the world. My career break ends in April and now I need to decide whether to go back or cut my links with work completely for now. Decisions decisions!

Clarinet60 · 28/01/2004 23:08

handlemecarefully - I can't wait to hear your feedback! (I agree with everyone BTW).

bobthebaby · 28/01/2004 23:35

If you had asked me two weeks ago I would have said it was a luxury. Now my ds has discovered crawling I would say it was essential.

Melly · 29/01/2004 12:33

Hi handlemecarefully. If someone had asked me this question this time last year I would probably have said, no don't send the older child to nursery, could you ask a family member or friend to have your dd occasionally. However...I would now be of the opinion that yes if you can afford to do it, send your dd for that important socialising with other children etc on a regular basis. My dd is 2.5 and ds was born last April so have exactly the same age gap as you will have. I finished work (part-time) in February and basically had dd and ds all the time until I eventually went back to work in November. I thought that friends and family would help out, which they did to a certain extent, but sadly for me, I find it hard to ask for help and some family members just stopped helping as I suppose they assumed I was coping ok. Just before Christmas I was diagnosed with PND which I think had been present since the birth of ds I just hadn't realised why I felt so low. So what I'm trying to say is that, having a 21 month age gap is very hard work, is does definitely get easier but in my experience (unless you have loads of support) it is a slog until the baby is about 6 months. I don't think you're being at all self indulgent and maybe once your baby is born, let dh have them for a day including tea-time and bath-time and then see what he feels!

The other thing I would say is that if you do become a SAHM make sure you "escape" regularly from both children even if its only to the supermarket on your own. This is something I didn't do and I think was a contributing factor in my PND.

Also make sure you get some quality time with your dd - I take mummysurfer's point about having 1-1 time with the youngest, but at 21 months your toddler will need extra special time with you as she won't really understand until she's a bit older that the baby is here to stay!

I wish you all the best in whatever you decide and hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

Best wishes,
Melly

BosworthBear · 29/01/2004 13:05

I am at the end of my maternity leave as I return to work next Monday, DD is 2.4 and DS is 6 months. DD stayed in full time nursery whilst I/ve beed at home and DS has been going for 1 day a week this month. The day to my self has been great, not just about me time but about sanity too! some chores are just easier in your own. I realise that the situation isn't the same since i'm returning to work and covering the on going cost but during ny time off it has made life so much easier I had time for DS and DD did shorter days so I had more time with her too.
Depending on where you live the child care vouchers should come in when DD is 3 so you would only need to pay until them and she would probably bebefit from mixing with children of her own age too.

jennifersofia · 29/01/2004 13:24

Now, first of all I will confess to jealousy! I am a SAHM and with my two (baby and toddler) full time because that is our economic situation, but I would like to point out that you can have a confident and friendly child, who learns essential early learning skills even if they don't attend nursery. I think it is good, but not essential!