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Original poster

Another party dilemma, advice please wise ones

14 replies

bunny2 · 27/01/2004 23:32

Ds is 4 in May and I was planning a Wacky Warehouse type of do. We have a good but small circle of friends here and there is one child (son of goodish friend of mine) who fills my ds with fear. He often hits other children and my gentle and sensitive ds quivers whenever this wretched child is near. Sooo, do we have a party, invite this child and ruin ds' day OR not invite them and ruin a friendship (mine) OR forgoe the party altogether? We had a small party for ds's friends before Christmas and as soon as the nasty child turned up, ds went to hide in his room and wouldnt come out till everyone had gone. I cant bear to put him through that on his birthday. What should I do?

OP posts:

lilibet · 27/01/2004 23:36

My sons Godmother has a son like that. He was horrid. Could you be limited to numbers? Have a word with your friend about how your budget will only stretch to so many and perhaps suggest an outing for your son and the horrid child on another day maybe to the cinema where he couldn't be so horrid? But explain it more as the horrid child getting a special day with your son?
Your son shouldn't suffer and miss out.

handlemecarefully · 28/01/2004 21:33

I read your post early this morning and was completely stumped about what to suggest so didn't write anything. I guess that's been others people's experience too. This certainly is a conundrum....

Perhaps by elevating this to the top of the list a wiser mumsnetter than I might spot it and have some spot on advice to give....

Hulababy · 28/01/2004 21:40

Why not just take your DD and mybe his one or towo best friends only on a special trip somewhere - maybe a tripto the zoo, cinema, etc. Then you re forced to keep numbers very low.

spacemonkey · 28/01/2004 21:40

i would definitely not invite the child - it would be too awful to spoil your ds' birthday like that!

I would be inclined to have a friendly chat with the friend/mother of scary child, along the lines of "it's strange but when ds is with [insert name of nightmare child here] he seems to get quite frightened - i think they could get on really well together, but i'm not sure how to help him get over his worries - have you noticed this?". Don't know if that would be at all appropriate, but it might open up the subject without sounding accusatory?

Kayleigh · 28/01/2004 21:41

Very difficult one bunny2. The most important thing is for your ds to enjoy his birthday. Lilibets suggestion is a good one. Would the mother of horrid child go for that do you think ?

Slinky · 28/01/2004 22:10

I have been in this situation on numerous occasions with a certain child.

Each time any of mine have had a party, I have not invited him - and also never mentioned there being a party to the other parent.

At the end of the day, it's your son's birthday and his happiness comes first above anything else - so I would stuff the other child.

StressyHead · 28/01/2004 22:12

message withdrawn

easy · 28/01/2004 22:41

Bunny

hasn't the horrid kid's mother worked out that your son is frightened of hers? Is she one of those terrible mothers that ignores her own child's misdeeds?

I'm constantly ashamed if my son misbehaves in public (which he does rarely, only usually with me!!!)

Original poster

bunny2 · 28/01/2004 22:49

Thank you for all the responses. I sgree that this child must not be allowed to ruin ds' birthday. The thing is both ds and the brat are part of a little gang and all the Mums are friends. I cant really not invite him if I invite the others. I think a day out might be the answer. A train trip should provide some distraction.

Still not sure whether to mention it to my friend, will have to think more about it first.

Thanks again wise ones.

OP posts:

tigermoth · 28/01/2004 23:59

Can you confide in one or two of the other mothers? You can say you need a few of them to be special helpers for the birthday gathering, generally ensuring things run smoothly including keeping an eye on 'x' who tends to upset your son at the moment. They can help you keep the two boys away from each other, if that's going to make things better for your son.

Original poster

bunny2 · 29/01/2004 19:29

that's an idea Tigermoth. The thing is, we have only been living here for a year and the three Mums that I am good friends with were a pretty close bunch of friends before I came along. So, although we are all good freinds now, I wouldnt want to appear to be criticising one of them to the others. I suppose if I think very carefully about how to say it, it might work.

OP posts:

zebra · 29/01/2004 19:33

Is there any way you could just phrase it in the terms "X and Y don't get along, how do you think we can make sure they get along as well as possible at the party?", then neither child and certainly neither parent is blamed, it's just treated as a personality conflict (and maybe it is).

aloha · 29/01/2004 19:35

IF you want to invite the horrid boy - and that's a big IF - could you talk to your son and say, if we invite X, what can we do to make you feel happy about it and ask your son for suggestions. You might also offer to watch boy X and ensure he doesn't get the chance to hit your son. It is tricky but I cannot believe she doesn't notice and doesn't talk to you about it if she is your friend. I agree you can't ruin ds's day. Has your ds expressed any desire for a b'day party?

judetheobscure · 29/01/2004 20:27

I would probably go for an approach to brutus' mum along the lines of "I asked ds who he wanted for his birthday and he didn't want brutus - don't really know why but don't want to upset ds". That is most of the truth and leaves brutus' mum to work out why. Could elaborate on ds being v.upset and maybe suggest that they had an unnoticed disagreement about something.

Of course things could change between now and May. Perhaps you could prepare the ground now by saying something like "ds was very upset with brutus after we met last time - couldn't really say why". That then gets her thinking about the relationship between brutus and your ds and maybe observing more ...

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