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Original poster

Do you feel like you have damaged your child and are bad mother if....

95 replies

mummylovesus · 15/05/2006 14:57

you have a baby who cries all the time, you pick him up that second but no amount of cuddling and loving seems to settle him, he is awake for hours at night and you are emotionally and physically at the end of your tether because your baby just keeps crying?

OP posts:
lazycow · 15/05/2006 16:34

So glad someone said this

Ds cried constantly from anout 3 months olfd until he was 7 months old and between 7-9 months was qyuite bad though I rmemeber that we had some days when he didn't cry.

Cuddling/holding/feeding - nothing worked. I took him to the doctors several times as he cried so much at home and was so unhappy. Problem was he would be fine most of the time at the doctor and start crying on the way home. I kid you not!!

I do get quite upset when I see all that stuff about how crying is bad for your baby. I rememeber months of sitting in his room at bedtime and holding a screaming baby. Rocking/Walking etc seemed to make it worse. I just held him and let him cry it out most nights but it was hell I can tell you.

monkeytrousers · 15/05/2006 16:39

Sorry if this has been said - abandoning a baby and leaving them to cry may very well be damaging, there is evidence to say it is. If a baby cries, has colic say, but is still reassured and comforted then this isn't thought to be damaging.

zippitippitoes · 15/05/2006 16:43

neglecting a baby and having a crying baby who is nurtured are two different things

morningpaper · 15/05/2006 16:47

'zactly zippi

Original poster
mummylovesus · 15/05/2006 16:48

zippitippitoes where does it say in GF book neglect your baby - dont cuddle or love it? She does not advocate leaving a small baby to cry!!

Lazycow that's what I mean paerent who decide to allow there baby to settle themselves to sleep are made to feel that they are damaging their children so how must these mothers feel!! And if it is so damaging why is there sleep clinics who teach parent's how to do cc and are they bad too, have they damaged their children?

OP posts:
monkeytrousers · 15/05/2006 16:52

CC and letting a baby 'cry it out' are two different things. And CC is not recommended for babies younger than 6 months anyway - we waited until DS was a year old.

And what is worse? Parents acting like children themselves and refusing to look at the evidence so they don't feel guilty or or really emotionally damaging a child?

zippitippitoes · 15/05/2006 16:55

I haven't said anything about gf saying that..I am responding to this thread and your original post and those since

believe me I am one of the most careful people on this site with regard to what I say

monkeytrousers · 15/05/2006 16:56

And GF does advocate leaving a child to cry it out for quite a long time, certainly more than a minute or two with CC.

Read Why Love Matters by Sue Gerhardt and then weigh up the evidence. That's all any of us can do.

happybebe · 15/05/2006 17:08

NO....Gina Ford does not advocate controlled crying....unless firstly the child has been seen by a medical practitioner beforehand and is at least six months old. the case study regarding robert the 4 month old went on to say that robert was nearly nine months old when CC was first used with him with success after two nights of crying. anyways dont we all think there has been enough discussion on Gina Fords methods hasnt anyone got anything better to be doing?

zippitippitoes · 15/05/2006 17:10

the thread was asking if a crying baby was synonymous with feeling like a bad mother

happybebe · 15/05/2006 17:11

i am well aware what the thread was asking and what it is becoming....

blueshoes · 15/05/2006 17:29

mummylovesus, I am the first time mother of the baby you described in your original post. Dd was frequently inconsolable no matter what I did. I was exhausted and at the end of my tether. So I would leave dd to cry in her cot for an hour, based on what books like Gina Ford etc advised ie baby is fed, dry and should learn to settle herself.

With the benefit of hindsight, I now categorically regret my actions. I felt like a bad mother then, but then that was just my dd's temperament. Knowing what I know now, I would just have held and cuddled dd and not let her cries be a judgment on my mothering skills. I would have tried harder to find out what was wrong and even if it was nothing I coud fix (eg colic), I could just hold her.

I should have known then that there was nothing GF could do for my baby that a mother's love and patience could not do better. Never again will I let so-called experts steal my child's infancy from me.

lazycow · 15/05/2006 17:32

Ignoring all the comments on GF - bored with them now.

Having a constantly crying baby does make you feel like a bad mother and sometimes when you have been trying for hours to settle them leaving them to cry alone is the only solution.

I did this very rarely as I couldn't handle it but tell me what is worse for the baby being left to cry a while or being held by a mother who is crying and getting hysterical herself.

In the end I accepted I couldn't make it better (whatever it was) and that is a hard thing to accept. In the process of accepting that I did do a lot of crying, shouting and despairing. All that is sure to have done as much damage as leaving him to cry alone.

What I resent most I suppose is the assumption that a good mother can settle her child (come on guys be honest - we all believe that deep down).

Well if that is the case I am a terrible mother. I have had to accept that even now sometimes ds needs to cry. When he is like that I don't leave him alone to cry (I do leave him to cry a bit if he is settling to sleep) but after trying, food, playing, calpol, distraction etc, there comes a point where I give in.

I take him on my lap and say 'well nothing is working so it looks like you want to cry' I then
hold him (sometimes he is hitting me and trying to get down but if I put him down he instantly wants me to pick him up again) and reassure him and just listen to him.

It took me a long time to get to this though - a very long time and I don't say it is easy but it is better than feeling like a failure because I can't solve his problem or in fact even work out what it is sometimes.

zippitippitoes · 15/05/2006 17:34

well put lazycow

happybebe · 15/05/2006 17:35

lazycow that was the hardest thing i had to learn about being a mother, that sometimes your baby wont settle even with you. i used to feel like such a failure when the obvious mummy cure just didnt work.you can only do so much to try and stop your baby crying but in the end some just do.

FrannyandZooey · 15/05/2006 17:35

Nobody has said that having a child who cries means that you are a bad mother, or that crying damages your child. There is however evidence that being left alone to cry is stressful and harmful to children.

We are all parents on this site and it is interesting to us to discuss this evidence and what it means to us. If you feel we should pretend otherwise then you will have a long wait. However how this makes you feel is entirely your own affair and these rather hysterical pleas for people with different beliefs or parenting styles to "stop making you feel bad" just make you appear paranoid IMO.

happybebe · 15/05/2006 17:38

like i said on another post motherhood is a battle ground sadly there will always be someone disagreeing with the parenting methods we choose, but in all honesty who cares...after all isnt the most important thing just that the baby is taken care of and happy?

FrannyandZooey · 15/05/2006 17:40

Lazy cow I crossed posts with you there and my post was not meant as a response to yours, but in response to earlier posts.

My heart goes out to anyone who has had a baby who cries and cries despite their best efforts :(

zippitippitoes · 15/05/2006 17:44

I don't think motherhood is a battleground...at all

Filyjonk · 15/05/2006 17:45

Having a child who cries and cries does not make you a bad mother.

If it did I would be the worst mother in the world. And I did AP (very much not GF) from birth.

What makes you a good or bad mother, IMO, is how responsive you are to your child's needs. Only you know that.

happybebe · 15/05/2006 17:47

in the sense that whatever you do someone thinks you are wrong, ie if you bottle feed someone thinks you are a bad mum, if you breastfeed for longer than average...if you use a routine...if you dont...if you dont cook homemade food for your baby...etc. it saddens me that it has to be like that no one is right or wrong as all babies are individual, but sometimes it seems like people are looking for one way and only one way.

Filyjonk · 15/05/2006 17:48

agree absolutely lc sometimes you do have to leave them to cry, if its got to the stage where you cannot cope. And I got to that stage almost daily with dd when she was around 3-5 months and would not be put down, screamed constantly as though in pain, and I also had ds who was just 2.

There is a difference between leaving them in a safe room for 10 minutes while you have a cup of tea and calm down, and deciding in advance that you will put them down for a nap at 12.30 and if they are not tired they can cry themselves to sleep, IMO. The former is survival. I wouldn't personally do the latter, tbh.

FrannyandZooey · 15/05/2006 17:50

But happybebe this is not just difference of opinion or different philosophies we are talking about here - there is clear evidence that some things are better for babies than others - but you seem to want us to pretend otherwise.

zippitippitoes · 15/05/2006 17:51

I don't think I've ever felt criticised for any parenting choices I've made...I do find parenting and its choices an endlessly intriguing subject, constantly new ideas and theories..and of course you learn a lot from your mistakes as you go along and it's nice to pass on things you believe you've learnt to other people..their choice whether they try those ideas out or not

happybebe · 15/05/2006 17:53

huh?? where did i say i wanted everyone to pretend otherwise? there are lots of evidence to say support that BF is ovbviously much better for your baby but not all women manage to do it and sadly end up at some stage being made to feel guilty about it or worse struggling to carry on despite being in agony or not producing enough milk because of their fear of what people will think. its that side of motherhood i refer to.

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