Adoption: thinking of tracing my real mother

[sandyballs]

I was adopted as a baby and have never really had any urge to trace my "real" family. I had a very happy childhood and didn't think a great deal about the fact that I was adopted.

However, this all changed with the arrival of my twin DDs - particularly when I hear my in-laws describing how they are so like their side of the family! I am thinking about trying to make contact through the adoption society.

I would be interested to hear about any experiences of adoption from mumsnetters. Has anyone traced their birth families - would love to hear about it, good and bad!

sandyballs
I've been in exactly the same situation. I too had a great upbringing and being adopted just wasn't an issue but this changed when I had dd over 2 years ago now.

Last year I started the ball rolling and contacted social services. I was put in contact with a social worked who came to see me and talked me through all the options. She was really really helpful and gave me lots to think about. Luckily, I've stayed in the area I was adopted in so she had access to my files. She brought me some documentation and more info about the circumstances of my adoption which was very intersting and thought-provoking.

I knwo what the next steps would be if I wanted to proceed but for some reason, I've put the brakes on a bit. I last saw my social worked in June last year and I haven't done anything else about it all since then. I don't even know why, but it just doesn't seem as urgent as it did. However, I AM going to take it all up again at a future date - probably this year.

MY initial advice, then would be to contact social services and speak to soemeone from their adoption service. It will also greatly help if you know where you were born, name of birth mother and date of adoption.

I don't have more time now, but I'd be pleased to chat further with you and/or answer any questions if you want. I'll be back online later tonight or tomorrow. Good luck

Hi sandyballs. There are a number on here who were adopted, and there are a couple of threads around. One is here

I had a baby adopted at birth whilst at university, 14 years ago, and hope and dream that one day he will chose to make contact with me.

I'm sure your birth mother has been thinking about you all these years, but as Moomin says it is a big step, and there are complex issues involved, and it makes sense to talk to the experts and go through official channels, and have some counselling to prepare yourself for the experience.

Good luck - and please let us know how you get on.

Sandyballs - no experience - just wanted to wish you luck.

and Roisin - that gave me goosebumps when I felt how much you'd like you son to find you. I really hope that happens for you.

My aunt gave up a baby for adoption in.... 1969? This was in California, she about 17yo, unwed, I don't know anything about the father.

Aunt and her DD traced each other & met about...7? years ago. My 'instant-full-grown cousin' (IFGC) looks like the family, her aunts & half-sisters, and she has similar tastes & life-style to her sisters.

Everyone in our extended family was delighted at the reunion and to have a "new relative". I know my aunt and her daughters have kept up regular contact, too, but.... It's been tough for IFGC, whose adopted mother was particularly unhappy & jealous about the whole thing. Adoptive father took it a lot better (ironically, the adoptive parents bitterly divorced when IFGC was about 7yo).

How would your adoptive parents take it, SandyB?

My mother and I are trying to trace my birth grandmother and have employed a detective who specialises in these cases, called Ariel Bruce \linkwww.arielbruce.com/{} Expensive but very helpful. Sadly my mother didn't discover she was adopted until she was in her late 40s, 20 years after her parents had died, so it's proved very difficult. It was also a private adoption so there isn't any agency to go to. I gather the first step is to apply for a copy of your full birth certificate ? think you have to go and see a social worker if I remember correctly ? and then if there was an agency or society involved contact them. I hope it all works out for you ? if you do get anywhere please post here!

dam those links! but www.arielbruce.com is the address you want.

sandyballs one of my best friends traced her birth mum 5 years ago when she was about 20.
She also met 2 half sisters. However she did not particularly like any of them ! There has been no contact since and she is absolutley fine about it . She happens to be possibly the most well balanced person I know, and had a great mum and dad who adopted her.

Sandyballs, a friend traced her birthmother about three years ago, prompted, like you, by having her own children. The process was quick and easy and she has met her mother a few times and her own children have now met their 'birth' granny. She also found out that her father was Turkish, which explains her dark looks, and heard all about him. It's been a positive thing for her, in all.

Many thanks for all your messages.

Moomin - I have actually got to the same stage as you! I rang the adoption society about two years ago when my DDs were nearly 1. I had an interview with a social worker and I was given all the paperwork on my file. There were several letters from my mother to the adoption agency, written in the weeks leading up to my birth.
This was in 1968 and my mother and my father are Irish - she came over to London to have me without any of her family knowing, and her letters indicated that she couldn't wait to get back there and carry on with her life.

I think this is the main reason why my search stopped at that point. Her family may still know nothing about me and I wouldn't like to "rock the boat". Also, I understand that if birth mothers want to be traced they can put forwarding addresses/details etc on the adoption file to make it easier if the child does try. My mother hadn't done this.

Roisin - have you done this?
It would make it a lot easier for your son to find you and also encourage him, knowing you wanted to meet him. I do hope you meet him one day.

So, my search stopped at that point and it is only now that I have started thinking about it again and wondering if I should pursue it.
There must be a lot of relatives to meet as my mother was one of 8 children!

Sandyballs-I was adopted, have since traced my birth mother (who I love dearly and look like) and also have found six wonderful brothers and sisters! If you would like to talk more, one to one, please go through tech and e-mail me 'cos I could give you my phone number if you like and we can chat. It's really hard to post all the ins and outs on here and besides, it would take up the whole thread! Hope that helps, waiting for you reply.

Sandyballs - yes, there's a National Adoption Register held in Liverpool .. I can dig out the details if anyone wants them. Adoptees can go on the register free (I think). Birth relatives of adopted children have to pay £30 fee to go on.

Sandyballs, your mother may have been putting on a brave face to the adoption agency,and may also have felt very differently once you had been born. Being unhappily pg isn't the same as being a mother, I think. I also wonder if she even knows about putting her name on file. Obviously I don't know any more than you do so you may be disappointed and she may be shocked, but at least you won't be left wondering. Good luck.

I was adopted and have never wanted to trace my birth mother. I can get quite huffy if anyone finds out about me being adopted and asks about my 'natural parents'. Tell them that my Mum and Dad are perfectly natural, thank you!! Birth parents is a much better description. Something has just occured to me - I have contributed a poem to the thread thats going and my opening bit is about being the only child of only children - I have no relations at all and always wanted loads which is one of my reasons for having 3 children and I could have a whole shedful out there! Still doesn't make me wna tto do it tho'
I don't like having no 'blood' relations in case I ever need a donor for anything! Morbid me??
Roisin, I hope that your son decides to trace you adn you have a wonderfully happy reunion. And I hope we all find out about it!

Thanks ladies. I've fished out my old paperwork and I have rung the social worker! The line was engaged so I now have to pluck up the courage and ring again. I will let you all know what happens in the future.

I haven't mentioned this to any of my family, other than DH, but my mum brought the subject up yesterday and thought it would be nice for my DDs if I traced my birth family. Big coincidence as she has never said this before.

Jollymum - lovely to hear your story and thanks for offering to talk - I might well do that.

Oh I am so excited for you sandyballs - I hope it all goes well for you Please keep us informed of your story as it unfolds.

I am gripped to all of theses stories. You are an impressive lot.

I hope nothing but happiness comes out of these searches.

My adopted cousin died at 21 almost 2 years ago. I have always wondered if anyone told his Bio mUm that he was dead, what do you think wouold have happened?

as far as I know he never contacted her.

Sandyballs, did you proceed any further with your search?

Hi roisin - just noticed this when searching for something else! Funnily enough, I had done absolutely nothing since this thread (Jan 04), and then decided last week to ring my social worker again at the adoption agency with a view to asking her to go ahead and search for my birth mother! What a coincidence that that was last Thursday, when you posted!

She has given me details of a lady in Northern Ireland who can trace my birth mothers birth certificate which she says is the first step so I am waiting to hear from her. When I receive that I have to go back to my social worker to get things moving! Bit scary, but I feel it's time.

That is a spooky coincidence Sandyballs!

Islandgirl has traced her birth mum, and taken it very slowly taking lots of time to allow everyone to adjust. It's been a great privilege to me to read about her story on her thread here

I hope things go well for you.

That was an interesting thread - I had missed it.
Thanks for your interest Roisin, I'll keep you informed of progress!

I am so so lucky. I had all the information on my birth parents since I was 21 (my parents had received it by mistake, their names, histories, everything!) but didn't do anything until I got pregnant! I'm happy to go through more details but I have absolutely no regrets about meeting bmum. She could never replace my mum, she is totally different, but we're great friends and she loves being a granny too (she never married or had any other children so she was over the moon to meet me.) I can't advise you for your particular situation, you need to feel "ready" yourself. Good luck with a very exciting journey through your roots!

Same here sandyballs - i traced my dh's birthmum 2.5 years ago and we are all in touch now - she lives about 25 miles away and dh and her see each other every couple of months, we all get together a few times a year as well. Interestingly though it appears that dh is making all the effort and sadly she expects it. Eg. we only have 1 car and dh invariably goes to visit her which of course he has to arrange around either of us using the car and kids social events - sometimes she can get very pissed off if she cant see him when she wants - a bit selfish in my opinion. However, they both speak their mind and it seems to work. The lady I used was someone called Annette Sparrow from Oxford - about £100 and we had made contact within 2 weeks. She will also act as an intermediary.