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Original poster

Sad tonight - ds1 told me he wants a Mummy and a Daddy at home...

30 replies

Dottydot · 10/05/2006 20:03

Sad I'm being completely self indulgent, but allowing myself to get all sad and emotional because during a daft argument with ds1 he said he didn't want 2 Mummies, but a Mummy and a Daddy who lives at home (his Daddy lives about 1/2 mile away at the moment).

Dp and I knew this kind of thing would happen, but he's only 4..!

So someone please tell me it wouldn't matter what our family make up is, he'd be wanting something different and is just lashing out to hurt me.

(By bedtime he was telling me he's glad he's got 2 Mummies and he loves me - but that's not the point...).

OP posts:
hulababy · 10/05/2006 20:08

He is just learning that families are made up of lots of different combinations of people. At that age families are really important to children and they are getting to grips with the whole concepts involved. I imagine it is the same type of comments that some single parents may well get too. I know DD is aware that some of her friends don't have a mummy and daddy living together at home as she has commented and asked about it. He is just learning and voicing his thoughts loudly, as children do. He doesn't mean it and would no doubt hate things oto change for him - hence him having a different thought by bedtime.

WWWontSlagOffAnyone · 10/05/2006 20:10

Dottydot, I'm sure he is glad he's got 2 mummies and they all say things they don't mean/don't fully appreciate, esp at this age. Ds says he hates me sometimes and I know he doesn't (he's 8.5!). He also says he wishes his dad and I were together but a) we're not and b) there's nothing I can do about it, so I do try not to let it worry me. Oh, and that he wishes I wasn't his mum but he usually apologises later, just as your ds has done. Sorry this has got to you but if it hadn't been this it would have been something else because you were arguing.

CHICagoMUM · 10/05/2006 20:12

Kids always know the right buttons to push during an arguement. DD is 4 too and constantly does the "I hate you" "I wish I lived with Grandma" etc etc. 10 mins. later she will be telling me she loves me.

PinkKerPlink · 10/05/2006 20:12

dottydot, i have a four year old and the things he says to me are often hurtful! Please take what he said with a pinch of salt. you just feel vulnerable about it and he has reinforced this. I am pretty damn sure he loves you both LOTS and wouldnt change anything :)

Twiglett · 10/05/2006 20:14

total manipulation .. look at it like a tantrum

if it helps DS (5) said to me today "I don't want you to be my mummy"

so I said "fine I'll see if xxx would like to swap"

at which point he was horrified and took it back .. and we had a cuddle

its a tantrum Dotty .. honestly it is .. its not based on your life choice (

as an aside was having discussion about 2 women not being allowed to marry with DS today even though one of his friends in his class has 2 mummies .. which he well knows

Original poster
Dottydot · 10/05/2006 20:15

sigh. I think I'll always feel vulnerable about it with ds1 'cos he came into this world so firmly and fundamentally attached to dp - she's always been his favourite parent and I'm glad about this - it's good he's got such a strong attachment. I just got upset tonight at him wanting to replace with me his Dad - who he adores, but I'm the one sodding looking after him!!

Must learn to get used to it and of course I realise that if you're going to create alternative families there are going to be bumps along the way.

Good to hear there are other 4 year olds that can break their Mummies' hearts though..! Smile

OP posts:
tissy · 10/05/2006 20:19

during an argument my dd (also 4) told me she wanted to go and live with her friend, D,who "has a nice mummy". I helped her pack her little rucksack with a toothbrush, flannel, some spare pants, her blankie and a hairbrush. When I then asked her if she was ready, she said, "no Mummy, we need to pack your bag, you've got to come too". When I told her that running away meant she had to leave me behind, she was horrified, burst into tears and told me she loved me Grin

Anchovy · 10/05/2006 20:19

My DS (also 4) quite often wants things he knows he can't get. I think it is a way of testing things. As a very small example, he will want the type of juice we have just finished (say, apple & mango) when there is only apple (which in all other circumstances he would like and have as first choice). I honestly think it is their way of kind of "making sense of the world" and working out what they can and can't have any control over. Your DS can no more have "a Daddy living at home" than mine can have apple & mango after the carton is empty. I tend to be mildly sympathetic to his views but make it clear that that is the way it is (I could go down to the shops in the same way you technically could get a Daddy at home). But neither of ou are going to Grin

My advice would be to give him choice over things he can choose (Lion King vs Nemo vs Toy Story 2) while not allowing too much histrionics over things he can't.

tamum · 10/05/2006 20:21

Oh Dottydot, please don't be sad. Dd is deeply impressed by her friend's two mummies, she's really envious. She went to a party and came back sighing "it must be so much easier for her mummy to have another mummy there at parties" (particularly since dh tends to bugger off the at the first opportunity at her parties :o)

Original poster
Dottydot · 10/05/2006 20:23

Grin Tamum!! Thanks you lot for cheering me up - I feel all PMT-ish, even though I'm not.

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 10/05/2006 20:29

Would it be deeply controversial of me to say that I think a lot of children want simply to conform to what they see as the norm and maybe that is what your ds is goig through right now. I expect children living with one parent sometimes say something similar too.

I hope that doesn't offend you Dottydot. I mean it to reassure you that it is a phase that he will grow out of. Are you sure he hasn't been receiving any unkind comments from school/ playgroup children who have become aware of his home situation?

littlerach · 10/05/2006 20:34

DD 1used o ask me if she could get a new mummy.
She was 3.

Now, 5, she often prefers dh to me, probably because I'm th eone doing everyfday stuff.

Cam · 10/05/2006 20:37

I think its just normal 4 year old testing of boundaries and challenging his surroundings...my 9 year old dd who has always had a mummy and a daddy hands-on and there for her is no more satisfied.

She has said on occasion, wish I had a younger mummy and daddy, like some of my friends

That one makes me feel real good Grin

Original poster
Dottydot · 10/05/2006 20:42

Dumbledoresgirl - not controversial at all - and more or less what I'm thinking! I think ds1 is remarkable in that he adapts to the more usual environment his friends are in, which is 1 Mummy and 1 Daddy per household. All his stories have a Mummy and a Daddy in and again, I think that's great because he's learning how to fit in. Don't think anyone's been mean to him - to be honest I don't think many of his friends know, as they're too young and we don't have many of his nursery friends round for tea. We've got other friends we see much more often who happen to have children his age and they're all perfectly fine - they've all grown up with it/us!

But it's certainly something dp and I will always have in mind and keep an eye on, and like I said, we created our different family because we wanted children - we knew it might be difficult at times and hoped desperately that it wouldn't be difficult for them - but we can only arm them with lots of positivity. Just don't want to be kicked out of my 4 year old's life just yet..!

OP posts:
Earlybird · 10/05/2006 20:47

Dottydot - agree with everyone else that when kids are angry or testing the boundaries, they say things they know will hurt you. Just like an animal can sense fear, I think kids have a sixth sense about where there is the potential for parental guilt - and they hone in on it like heat seeking missiles!!

You are in a somewhat unusual family situation, and it should be acknowleged (as it sounds you do), but there is nothing to feel guilty about. I'm sure you will support your ds as he realises, and comes to terms with, how his family compares to those of his friends.

Do you know any other families where there are two mums or two dads? I'm a single mum, and sometimes give dd the "there are lots of different kinds of families" speech, but then try to back it up by exposing her to some of those different kinds of families so they are real to her....I think it really helps.

Best of luck. I know how hard it is when they utter those words that feel like a kick to the stomach. Sympathy and empathy from EB to you!

Marina · 10/05/2006 20:47

Totally agree with Cam and all the others on here who say

  1. Whatever they've got at four it is not satisfactory

  2. At this age they can say the cruellest things as part of a boundary tester.

He says this because he knows he can, in a secure environment where he is deeply loved by both his mummies. I suppose it is also possible that at nursery some child might have asked him with deep curiosity why he has two mummies.

Is now a good time to ask how the civil registration preps are going dotty? Have you been and gorn and done the deed? Did I miss how it all went? :)

motherinferior · 10/05/2006 20:52

Dot, I know that feeling of a kick in the stomach; DD1 spent the first few years of her life so besotted with her father that she once screamed tearfully at me, when she was ill "GO AWAY, Mummy, I want Daddy" and left me as tearful as she was. It's horrid. They do know how to push your buttons, the little buggers.

Interestingly, DD1 also asked at around the age of three, when we'd gone to visit a friend whose nanny was around "where's her other mummy"...taking it utterly for granted. It was nice, as she has cousins with lesbian parents and we've done our best to make that just part of the parenting continuum!

mrsteacher · 10/05/2006 20:59

I agree with what everyone has said about 4 year olds saying things just to upset you

ds1 (who will be 4 in a few months) has told me several times recently that I have ruined his day but today I ruined his 'total life' as he wasnt allowed to have his lego out when ds2 (14 months) was around.

Tortington · 10/05/2006 21:00

its just a cue to drop into everyday conversation for the next few weeks about diiferent kinds of families. about how some grandparents look after their grandchildren about how some families have no mummies and some families have no daddies, however that doesn't make them less of a family.

Tortington · 10/05/2006 21:00

dya know what - i'm gonna fess up - whilst writing that i remembered that seseme street had something along those lines

motherinferior · 10/05/2006 21:01

Oh, and DD1 has been utterly twanging my heartstrings with bellowing at me about after-school club and why can't she come home at home time, it's called home time...tears all round again (till I tried to prise her away yesterday and she burst into tears because she was having such fun playing).

Little buggers.

sparklemagic · 10/05/2006 21:09

dotty, I agree with dumbledores girl that it's to do with him gaining an understanding of the wider world; in my experience children can be VERY traditional and conservative, so of course he wants what he begins to understand is 'the norm'. Maybe he will have a few phases like this throughout his childhood?

But you sound so sensitive to him and his experience of life with his two mummies that I'm sure he will navigate his way past it. I do agree he is also boundary testing, but think it's good that he knows he can say what he likes to you! And as Custardo said it will be good to talk to him about other sorts of families - grandparents, foster parents, adoptive parents, adult siblings, two dads, all bring up kids too...and what a lucky boy to have two loving parents at home when so many kids don't...though some of this might be a little much for the discussion while he'sonly four!!

Original poster
Dottydot · 10/05/2006 21:40

Grin they are little buggers aren't they?

Custy - thanks - we do do the all sorts of different families conversation thing quite a lot - lots of reinforcing how difference isn't a bad thing, just different! My best friend has a female dp and they've got 2 boys but they live in London, so at the moment our ds's don't see other people living in the same situation all that often.

sigh. I think it's just a bad night to be honest and I'm more emotional about it all than usual.

Civil ceremony is happening on July 22nd!!! Way too much to do yet - and interestingly ds1 is really really looking forward to it - and mentioned it when we were talking this evening after the whole Mummy/Daddy outburst. He's so glad his Mummies are getting married - I think because this is what 'normal' couples do!

Bless him - he doesn't do alternative very well...

OP posts:
darkchocolate · 10/05/2006 21:49

ah dottydot. haven't read whole thread but wanted to add sympathies. i'm a single mum to a 2.9yo and her dad lives on the other side of the world, so i too am waiting for the penny to drop with her. so far i am being very matter of fact & positive with her about our situation (i have it so much easier than a lot of single mums :)) sounds like your little boy is very lucky with a loving stable family and i'm sure he will fully appreciate that in time.

fennel · 10/05/2006 22:06

dot Sad they do tend to be very fickle. fwiw my dds are very impressed with 2 mummy families - they play games with 2 mummies and no daddy.

[ps they still know your ds's as the boys with 2 mummies]

my dp gets a bit fed up that though he's always done half the childcare and been a really involved father, all 3 girls favour me. I have no idea why, DP is really lovely with them. it does seem unfair, frankly.