MIL has no confidence having dd overnight, yet has her in the day - advice please

[oliveoil]

My MIL has dd 3 days per week when I work and looks after her well, dd beams when she sees her and they both seem to enjoy the arrangement.

However, she stopped putting her in the travel cot about 4 months ago and lets her sleep on the settee in the front room. Therefore, dd now screeches when taken up to the spare room where the cot is and won't sleep in there. When we go round for Sunday lunch, I put her in the cot and leave her to cry for 5 mins and she then drops off. MIL however will not leave her to cry, is too soft.

Basically, this now means that dd can't stay at their house overnight, leaving me an dh without a night out together since November . This is really beginning to pee me off, much as I love dd, she has been a pain in the backside recently with teething etc and I need a break.

How do I get MIL to put her back in the cot? Dh said he has asked her and she says 'but she doesn't like it'

Help. Need social life back.

That should have been

I spoke to a famous grandma recently who said, "You love your children, but you are in love with your grandchildren. The love you have for your children is tied up with responsibility so you have a kind of toughness that you lose as a grandparent. I feel totally raw around my grandchildren, as if I have lost a skin. I don't even take then out in the car as I am so terrified of harming them." This is a remarkably intelligent, capable woman, but her comments just crystalised things for me. My mum is just the same with ds. She hates putting him to bed and won't do it if he cries. She's also afraid to have him overnight though has agreed to do it at our house next month. I think as she's such a wonderful grandma you should just get a babysitter and go out in the evening. Can she babysit after your dd goes to bed? You can take it in turns with your dh to have a really long lie in at the weekend too.

What about going round to your MILs and putting DD to bed yourself (in your usual tough 5 mintues crying way ) and then go out?

Then assuming (I think I'm right) you don't live far away you could go home after the night out and get a lazy morning too.

What is going to happen when she is moving, she wont be able to sleep on the settee and will need to go in the cot. This could then be a problem with her looking after DD during the day !!!

Can you spend some time with her training gran how to leave baby to cry - with your support then she should be able to do it.

Thanks everyone.

They have offered to babysit at our house (we live 5 mins away) but it would be a rush job to go out and rush back as they go to bed early. Also, I want a night off from dd, just to know I can go to bed and sleep and not have to get up early would be divine.

Bozza - but what if she wakes up in the dreaded cot upset? She doesn't recognise the room anymore that it's in

Aloha - you are right, she is such a good granny that if I go on about this cot I will feel as if I am having a go, which I am not, I just need to know how to broach the subject.

Kaz33 - There is no way she will leave her to cry, on sunday's she hovvers at the foot of the stairs wringing a tea towel saying 'she is still upset you know' as I flick through a paper.

I think you are really lucky to have a MIL who is so involved and looks after your DD 3 days per week. I don't expect anything from my children's grandparents at all. They do look after the kids and babysit for us, but for various reasons have not had them overnight. If your MIL feels a bit anxious leaving her to cry, I think you should just accept this and not put any pressure on her. I think it sounds like she is a great support to you!

Its tricky isn't oliveoil but I'm sure there must be a solution. Does she never sleep in the travel cot ever? What about having it at your house with familiar things eg bedding, soft toys etc for naps for a couple of weeks and then transfer it complete with all associations to MIL's so at least the cot zone is familiar. And also get MIL to play with her in the daytime in that room.

Are you worried about her waking up upset - or rather waking up upset and MIL panicking/being unable to comfort her? Remind us again how old she is? Have you no other family/friends to turn to? Although I accept given the bond they have your MIL would be ideal.

FM - yes she is a great help which is why I want to tread carefully and not upset her, it's hard though. I really want a night off from being a mum at the mo and probably am being selfish.

Bozza - she is 15 months. I am more concerned about my mil being upset than dd, she is good at settling herself off to sleep in her cot at home. The last time they had her overnight, she was upset about going into the travel cot (as she hadn't been in it in the day) and mil was v stressed about her crying so we had to cancel our evening out and go and collect dd. Think this is now at the back of her mind and she worries it will happen again.

All my friends live in a different area than me so my only babysitting options are mil and fil.

What about sending your DH and DD over there to sleep for a couple of times while you stay at home and have a bath, video etc. Then once DD has become used to it move onto going out together.

And you're not being selfish - you do need time off.

I do think though it's not so much lack of confidence, just that she literally can't bear to leave her crying! Are you sure you can't find a local babysitter? I asked people with children in my street and was recommended the teenage daughters of a neighbour who have turned out to be great. Or look at noticeboards in the local toyshop or wherever mums congregate. I am stunned when people tell me their parents and in laws regularly have their children overnight. I think it sounds wonderful but we've only managed it once and ds is 2. We just go out and one of us has to get up the next day - hangover or not!

Night out? With dh? What's that???

I agree Jimjams!!

Oliveoil,

we had a similar problems with PIL and DD - in fact still do as madam won't sleep in her bed there. Solution - DD sleeps with them! Doesn't/wouldn't happen in our house but the PIL can't say no to DD and could never,ever let her cry so hey ho - worked out for everybody. (I think FIL now gets up and sleeps in spare bedroom and MIL & DD (now 3.8) eat chocolate and watch videos in bed.

Not sure if that would be an acceptable solution to you or them but worth a thought perhaps.

Update for anyone interested ():

MIL had a bad day with dd last week - she refused to sleep on the sofa and dh had phoned and his mum sounded upset. He went round to the house and put dd in the travel cot. She cried for 10 mins and then slept for 2 HOURS! She has gone in the cot every day now for at least 90 mins and MIl says she should have done it ages ago (she can now watch the TV in peace).

AND on Sunday they offered to have her overnight when it is our wedding anniversary next week!

Result all round - MIL is loads happier, so is dd and hopefully I can have the odd night off.

PS - Aloha - I mentionned what you had said about loving your children but being in love with your grandchildren and she went teary eyed and said it hit the nail on the head, she hated leaving her to cry, bless. (saw your interview as well which reminded me )

Glad that all is well that's ends well....The occasional night out is vital for personal sanity.

Isn't that lovely how some grandparents feel about their grandchildren - that would explain why my mum seems besotted with dd. Can't wait to be a grandparent myself now.

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Glad to hear you have a happy ending oliveoil. Was wondering how long the sleeping on the sofa would work. Enjoy your night out.