ALL THIS OVER A HAIRCUT (sorry long MIL rant)

[dieselten]

My MIL is normally quite lovely. She is something of a character and can be a bit odd but her heart is in the right place and DS loves her. DS stayed at her house on Friday night and came back to us on Saturday. WHen he got back it was obvious that he had had his hair cut - badly. It look chewed rather than trimmed. MIL has done this before TWICE and we have asked her TWICE not to do it. DH called her at home to tell her again that ideally we would like to make the decision as to when and how DS has a haircut OR failing that could she please call us and ask us before she goes ahead and gets it cut. DH had only managed to say "Mum, has DS had a hair cut? When she started screaming at him that she hadn't done anything and then she hung up on him (!) DH was taken aback and called back to say hang on, let's not go crazy but his Dad answered the phone and started shouting that DS hadn't had a haircut at their house and that we were calling them liars. Then he hung up as well. DH called back again because he was so shocked by their angry response that he wanted to diffuse the situation. MIL answered and she was sobbing telling us that we had ruined their afternoon that we had made FIL ill, that he was having a hypo (he has diabetes). Then DS pipes up that he had his hair cut at DH's aunty's house. MIL denied this, said she wanted nothing more to do with us and hung up again. We decided not to call back again but to leave it overnight and try to reason with them in the morning. However, the phone rang and it was DH's Aunty. She said that MIL had called her, that we were breaking MILs heart and that neither of them had cut DSs hair. She then said that he must be confused because whilst he was there she had been having her hair cut by the local mobile hairdresser! As soon as she said this I knew that all three of them were spinning us a line. I knew DSs hair was shorter, I'm his mum FGS and yet three people were telling me categorically that I was imagining it.

We need to resolve this today but as long as the PIL are denying that they cut DSs hair there is nowhere for this to go other than DH and I apologise to them which seems so unfair and would stick in my craw. Anybody got any ideas on how to handle this?

how weird. think i would just ignore the whole thing and never mention it again.

My instant reaction to this is that three adults are making a child out to be a liar As I'm sure you don't bring up your ds to be a liar this is what I would be very upset about and I would make this point. They obviously are a bit unstable atm so I would just give them a wide berth and certainly not apologise. Do they drink? Because it all sounds a bit irrational to me.

I would leave DH to deal with it. They are his parents and aunt. Clearly they are all lying as they wouldn't have got so upset if you were merely imagining it.

I would be livid if my mil had got my kids hair cut without my permission and think you have every right to have phoned them to say something. I think they have over-reacted big time saying they never want to see you again. What is it with people when they get older? - they seem to act like children again.
Personally, I don't think anything can be resolved properly on the telephone. You need to talk face to face. Maybe, as it's his parents, your dh can go round and speak to them first, to break the ice, and find out why they got so upset about it all.
I don't think it's a good idea for your ds to hear everyone arguing so best to keep him away.
Good luck - hope it all sorts itself out.

do you think maybe he got hold of the scissors and cut his own hair? sounds like there is something worse than just a normal haircut they are trying to cover up. i would be livid about the lying and the reaction. maybe write to them? you wont get anywhere if they keep hanging up and talking face to face may just become a shouting match as this is clearly a bit of a sensitive subject! stress that you know he has had his hair cut and just want to know the truth, then it can all be forgotten about

Phew. Thank you all, I thought I was going mad. We both felt very guilty for starting this but clearly, the PILs brought this on themselves.

Carmenere - they are both a little insecure and they have it in their heads that we would stop them from seeing DS at any given moment if they did something we didn't like. I would never be that unreasonable and essentially they are good people. You are right, I also felt hurt by the fact that they were effectively calling DS a liar.

Sparkler1 - I do not want DS to hear any of this, he loves his grandparents and I wouldn't want to do anything to spoil that bond.

The whole thing is bizarre. We were supposed to be going over today to watch MIL play in a bowling match (oh joy) and I think we will still go. I will not however apologise. I will probably just ask that we try to put it behind us.

Gigglinggoblin - he definitely didn't do it himself. It's a pretty bad haircut but I would say that it was done by somebody who sort of knew what they were doing. I guess the chewed look round the ears was caused by DS being a bit fidgety. He has always been a bit nervous around hairdressers and scissors. We didn't get his hair cut for a long time because he was quite fearful of having it cut. MIL obviously found this hard to understand and on the two previous occasions she did cut it herself she did so whilst DS was asleep FFS! The irony is she thought long hair wasn't very smart and yet her nocturnal efforts made him look incredibly untidy. We were both furious when she did that and I guess that's why she is denying it so vehemently this time.

Your ILs are barking! I wouldn't have anything to do with them for a little while, personally. They were clearly feeling guilty, otherwise why react with such abuse instantly? They knew perfectly well why dh was callling but betrayed themselves by their over-reaction IMO.

Yep i agree with Edam, attack is the best form of defence! They are totally out of order, and has been made so much worse by going over the top about it...Mad!

How about putting it behind you, as you kindly are willing to do - but keeping it that they see him with you around from now on?

I wouldn't fancy leaving my DS overnight from now on, mainly because of the making him out to be a liar thing - and also if you are there, these things can't happen again which should at least keep relations between you on an even keel.

Though if you've got used to the break while your DS stays overnight you may not fancy the idea!

But I do think this is worrying behaviour tbh and I would personally want to be there as a bit of a shield for my DS. You're very sensible to keep the conflict away from him but kids pick up very very quickly on things....

Thing is, you can't trust them to behave themselves, can you? They've gone against your instructions three times now and reacted with fury when caught out (and how on earth did they think they'd get away with it? Reasoning powers of toddlers, frankly). Agree with Sparkle, don't let them look after ds on their own or God knows what they'll get up to.

It would all be so much easier if you knew what actually happened. You would be more confident in your approach.
Could you ask ds subtle questions? Such as "Was the lady nice who cut your hair?" That might help to find out who actually wielded the shears.

Blimey, what very odd behaviour!

Of course you know if your child goes out and comes back with a haircut, they must be bonkers to think you'll not notice. A very guilty reaction all round! I think the 'trying to convince you nothing has happened and it's all in your mind' would anger me most about all this, although the haircut episodes would really rile me too.

Agree with others about speaking to them face to face. Personally I'd leave it a good few days and then pay a visit and start with a 'cards on the table' lets start again and talk about this calmly, approach.

They have to understand that there are certain parameters involved if they want to be trusted with your son and haircuts are out!

Thank you all for your posts. We were supposed to be going to see them today before all this happened and we thought it would be a good opportunity to talk to them and resolve it today. So, DH called to ask if we could come over and sort things out. He spoke to both parents and they both told him that they didn't want to see us, we have hurt them both too much and and again they both denied strenuously that DS did not have a haircut and that after all the things they have done for us we shouldn't be attacking them. DH and I feel so saddened. We keep doubting ourselves and it is not a nice position to be in. At the moment I could quite happily have nothing to do with either of them again but that wouldn't be fair to DS. He adores them both.

I think I will take the advice of all those who recommend making no contact for a while. I will let them come to us or failing that will try again to contact them in a few days. They are very childish (reasoning powers of toddlers is bang on the money) and I'm afraid that DH and I will probably end up apologising to them. Although this is not something I want to do I can't seen an alternative at the moment.

Is it possible that DS did do it him self and they haven't even noticed as aunty's hair was all over the place. Perhaps MIl overeeacted because of her previous attempts to cut his hair.

If MIL was offendeed before it might have been enogh to send her off at the deep end. Still a major over reactio to a simple question when you first asked though but thats MIL's for you.

In my experience children will never admit they did it themselves so you might not get much more from DS. I would get it cut professionaly and not mention it if this has been the only problem with the inlaws.

dieselten sorry cross post, I didn't realise they had taken it so far. Perhaps best to take a step back as you say, It might be hard not tolet a permanant rift happen. Depending how you feel I would perhaps put all the blame on DS (without DS knowing) and put it all down to a misunderstanding. Of course it may run a lot deeper than a haircut.

As pucca said, attack is the best form of defence. And that is what your dh's family are doing at the moment. Sounds like the only way they know to deal with it.

Were the pils there with ds at the aunty's house? It might be all her doing and the pils could genuinley know nothing about it. She could be denying it and the pil's believe her.

If they visited an Aunties house, is there a chance he could have been left with her only?

Like Edam said earlier, why react the way they did. IMO they obviously feel guilty and are being very defensive.

I would go with the attitude, if you don't want to see us then thats fine.

How frustrating for you both!

Diesel 10 - seem to me you have 4 options. The first and best would be to talk about it calmly and agree boundaries for them looking after DS again. Like dont get his hair cut. You have tried thsi now several times and they wont co operate.

Second is to let DS still stay there but resign yourrself to the fact that they will do what they like with your Ds and you have no say in the matter.

Third is to not leave Ds alone with them so you can supervise.Thsi woudl be my next choice - it seems to me that they dont respect your wishes and/or they cant keep him safe eg not allow him to have scissors to cut his own hair! Agree with others that they seem a bit barking

Fourth is to not let DS see them at all

forgot to say - its not " all over a haircut". Its about your wish to bring up your child as you see fit

I wuldn't brush over this just to restore peace. Going against your instructions like this is really an unbelievable degree of interference. If you back down in the face of the onslaught to restore harmony, it (or something similar) will happen again.

If this had happened to my ds I would not, at least for the time being, be leaving him alone with ILs. I would also calmly explain why.

How old is DS? I think he's you're only route to the truth. FGS, you think his hair's been cut - he says his hair's been cut - it has been cut! If they won't stand for that they are definitely trying to cover something up - maybe he got hold of the scissors and had a go, then they tried to neaten it up or something and hoped you wouldn't notice, and they are terrified you'll stop him seeing them because they didn't keep scissors out of his reach. Tell him he's not in trouble but try to get the story out of him bit by bit...

your not you're

Firstly, i don't think you have overreacted at all, i've had fallings out with my IL's over similar things. Is there any chance of you getting the name of the mobile hairdresser and giving her a ring, and asking her, politely, if she had cut DS hair whilst at you IL's?
They are being very defensive,and even if he did do it himself, why the hell were they letting him have scissors?
If it was me, i wouldn't aplogise, it would , as you say Stick in my craw. I would leave it a while and then only let DS be seen by them when you, or Dh are with him. I wouldn't leave him alone with them for a while, if they don't listen to your requests regarding the upbringing of your child

if they won't listen to you or your dh speaking reasonably and calmly to them then i think you may have to leave it for a while, or may write them a note. i would be inclined to put a bit of distance between you and them after all this - maybe this will help them realise that this is actually what it would be like having no contact with their grandson.
whatever you do you can't let them (or the auntie) emotionally blackmail you by referring to your PIL's illness etc. it's just not on. leave them alone to calm down for a while.