Mother-in-Law rant - please join in

[AussieSim]

My 12mth old DS has eczema. It is not atopic, allergy, diet etc related and the most visible bits are on his face. He has had it for about 6mths and I regularly see a really good dermatologist and we are trying everything we can on it, but cortisone is the only thing that clears it up so far and you can't be putting that on constantly. The Dr says it is genetic and he will grow out of it within the next year or so. I have explained this to my MIL on every occasion she has brought it up.

Anyway today my MIL offered the following things I am doing that may be to blame which include:
(1) Still breastfeeding (2) Not changing the sheets on his bed often enough (3) Not keeping my floor clean enough (4) Not preparing every one of his meals from scratch from organic ingredients
On previous occasions she has also offered:
(5) Allowing him to put his thumb in his mouth while eating (6) Overfilling the spoon when I feed him (7) Not using a brand new face washer everytime I wash his face

Add to that that my PIL's blame me for DS not being able to walk yet - they say I pick him up too often (which I don't & DS happens to have been a premmie). Plus my FIL telling me today that DS has too many toys and that having such a variety of toys will prevent him from learning anything from them.

I had made a NY resolution to let them babysit DS more, but the angst that it causes me to have them lecture me may not be worth the bit of time to myself. I have no other family nearby so that puts me in a bit of a spot. Anyway, suggestions or just letting me know I am not alone might make me feel a bit better. Thanks.

Wow thanks everyone for the advice and for the sympathy, and ((hugs)) to all other sufferers of of Parents and PILS (esp Nutty, slink, starry).

To reply to a few posts.

Yep that's me in Germany with German in-laws, and I guess this culture is not known for its sensitive communication.

Coddie, I like your idea of saying 'Ja, ich bin ein schlecter Mama' and I really must ask my DH what the common expression in german is for 'Mind your own business'. LIZS you have a good understanding of what it is like here. JanH how do you know the thing about ham and vegetarians? I was vego for 4 years incl my first trip here - which was a complete food nightmare as they can't make anything without ham or speck in it. Aloha, I may have to be more consistently assertive/bristly. My DH in the past has told them that they will do things our way or we won't let them mind DS, and DH has also told them we don't want their advice, but MIL seems to have a short term memory problem. BTB I may use your 'don't talk about it in front of him rule when DS is older' Ta. Starry is your FIL German (pork, bread etc)?

I think I'm going to give them a time out and not let them see DS for a couple of weeks and see if that brings them to their senses (although somehow I doubt it). Therefore I must follow through on my other NY resolution and join the gym with the childcare facilities .

My inlaws are fantastic - it's my mother who's the problem...

Blimey, there are some right old dragons mentioned on this thread aren't there? AussieSim, another tactic I read here was to raise an eyebrow and say enigmatically, 'Interesting' and leave it at that. Sympathy. Love my ex MIL, not so mad on my MIL to be but don't see her often so that's OK!

Old dragon,www? Is she here too?

AS, I have a vege friend (British) who lives in Germany - can never remember where but it's Bavaria - Regensburg? Is that a place? - amd she has often been the happy recipient of a vege meal mit ham - she says the people always look stunned when you tell them ham isn't vege!

AS poor you what about waiting for a good moment and before she has a chance to comment saying how awful it is that everyone is constantly giving you advice and making you feel like you are not handling things well and try and get her on you side whilst actually pointing out the things she does that are driving you nuts. I used to use the medical profession as back up and say the Health visitor says or the doctor says and then make up any old crap to get them off my back. Alternatively you could try saying
Wenn es Ihnen nichts ausmacht haette ich es lieber wenn Sie die Nase 'raus halten wurde

or
In Australia sind wir viel mehr fortschrittlich

I'm no good at the quiet smile I sound too sarcastic and defensive.

My in-laws are ok, my mil looks after dd for the 3 days that I work. They feed her all sorts of shite that I wouldn't but I just deal with it by thinking that's what grannies are for.

I also usually just say "yes but everyone does it different don't they" smiling, but with 'don't f**k with me eyes', if they try to interfere too much.

AussieSim - my dd has had excema on her face since around 3 months (now 15 months) and it flares up badly when she is teething. REALLY upsetting even without interfering know-nothings, never mind the snidey remarks you have to put up with. My dd also can't walk yet and I am asked whether I 'practice' with her or 'just leave her on the floor'???!!!!!

There's so much I could put about my inlaws but won't as a NY resolution to let it go over the top of my head but on the walking theme can recall with affection telling fil about dd starting to crawl at 6 mths and he said oh well *** (other grand daughter) went straight to walking and never crawled - in a boasting tone. The problem is they are scots and I am english and they make it plain they HATE the english every time I visit and england and london and I could go on but won't. DH laughs but I fume quietly. They even asked dh if dd and ds would have english accents as though this would be a disadvantage to them. Can't wait to visit at easter

LOL browbeaten - like your DH can choose an accent for his kids. If they live in England they will have an English accent.

I thought that being too clean was supposed to be a cause of excema, allergies etc.

Anyway if my in-laws were to say DS had too many toys I would be able to say "yes and who bought them all" because everytime DS sees them he ends up with another piece of junk... But of course they don't.

I too have German inlaws and can also relate to what you say - Don't know if it is a cultural issue as only had 1 set of in-laws...
My MIL use to look after DD1 for me one day a week which was very kind of her BUT it all had to be done HER way. The instances are far too many to mention but two that stick in my mind are:

1. Her consistantly throwing away the freshly prepared food I sent for DD and substituting it with heinz tinned baby food as IHO that was far superior and I was depriving DD1 of vital nutrients and she wouldn't grow properly
2. Putting her with a friends grandson at 9 months who had chicken pox after I had expressly asked her not to as i had been told taht chicken pox was more serious as caught as a baby. Also she use to go on and on about how I should stop breast feeding and put her on formula...

I had enough one day....told her to "butt out" and gradually over the last 5 years our relationship has improved again. It did help that FIL thought she should butt out too!!

Good luck....

Browbeaten

• like that makes so much sense (not), i.e. that other granddaughter skipped the crawling stage and went straight to walking - well not at 6 months she didn't!

Can't they say the most stupid things !?!

My PILs are annoying in many respects but never give the merest hint of a criticism about how I raise dd for which I am extremely grateful. My mum isn't too bad but occasionally obsesses about whether dd is warm enough (this coming from the generation who overheated children to the point of cot death), and when dd was a baby my mum was fond of telling me that I probably didn't produce enough breast milk to satisfy her. I think this latter point however was my mothers subconscious way of undermining breast feeding and justifying that she bottlefed all three of her children....

janH i know Regensburg very well- i lived there for a year its lovely

Re veggie ness My experience of Germans tend to be that they are either all schick and leather and big cars, or all weird shoes and OKO freundlich.

theses oko types seem to think that you have to make yourself look unattractive to be oko. I always thought that they would be veggie types

AussieSim - No, FIL not German. Just not of this planet!

God, MIL?where do I start!!

Carrying DS1, told me I was only carrying him for her. He would belong to her once he was born and she would make sure of it. Sadly, he died invitro at 33 weeks, but the cow did exactly the same when I fell pg with DS2.
DS2 born 6 weeks early. Emergency C. The unfortunate part of this was his arrival was 2 days before we moved. Me tied to the hospital due to CS, DS in SCBU due to prematurely, no way could I help with the move. So, DP calls in the parents. No problem here except MIL decides that because I would be laid up for 6 weeks, she should stay and ?help?. Laid up? If it wasn?t for the scar, I wouldn?t have even noticed I?d had the CS.
Got home 10 days after delivery to find she had unpacked most of our stuff and decided where it should go. Huffed and puffed when ever I moved anything.
FIL only opened his mouth to tell me what was wrong with our new house. Frequently!!
Bfing DS. Constantly being told that he cant be getting enough because he shouldn?t want feeding every 3 hours.. eh?. This coming from a woman who has never BF?d a baby in her life. ( she had 3 kids BTW). Then later accuses me of feeding him too much and that I?m making him fat.
MIL persuaded me to leave DS with her whilst DP and I went on the hunt for a barbeque. Fed DS before going out. Returned within the hour only to be told that my son was absolutely starving so she made up a bottle and he wolfed it down. Bottles weren?t sterile. Only had them because they came with the breast pump. Had a couple of cartons of ready-made formula, just in case of BF problems, but had no intention of using them like this. Was absolutely furious with her. Asked DP to speak to her, but he said just let it go, no harm done!!.
Finally got rid of them at the end of September. DS was born in July!!
They even tried to get a housing exchange near us so that she could look after DS when I went back to work. Told her no way would she get to look after him, no matter how close she lived.
DS was late at: sitting (6mo), crawling (7mo), walking (14mo), self-feeding: spoon (8mo sort of, 12mo ok, 18mo brilliant), talking (10mo onwards) ?grrrrr; according to MIL that is. Just waiting for the potty training next, he is 18mo after all.
Still constantly reminds me that he will want to go and live with her rather than me one day. OMDB!!!!
This, may I add, comes from a woman who gave her first child to her mother to bring up for the first 5 years. Left her premature son in the hospital with the intention of leaving him there forever because she didn?t want him!! Went back for him a couple of days later though. Then, spent the first day home with her last baby out in the garden planting bloody bulbs!!!! So much for bonding.
No wonder I?m doing it all wrong.

Blimey...I'm sitting here counting my blessings....my mil/fil and own parents are great - always ask if it's 'ok' to do things, give him things etc......
My mum worried more about me than ds when I first had him....

Vala, poor you!! I'll keep my MIL in view of that story however we may have the same FIL, - he never liked our house - said it was in the middle of nowhere. We live in a bloody great town in Essex which is heaving with new housing developments. However, it hasn't got an Asda on our doorstep so of course it's rubbish!

Browbeaten:
Your FIL would love our house then?NOT.
It really is in the middle of now where. No neighbours to speak of. Fields, farmland and hills as far as the eye can see on all sides. Have to go everywhere by car. Nearest shop 3 miles away. Nearest supermarket 7 miles away.
No, this is not in wilds of Scotland, it?s a small hamlet on the Wiltshire/Gloucester/Oxfordshire boarders.

Vala, sounds gorgeous and wish I could live somewhere like that. It would also ensure visits for PIL where rare ha ha

my mil is the worst
She told me my d was horrible
She has accused me of having an affair. She has said i am an appalling mother just because I work full time and will not look after my d if it invovles me having fun .
I haven't spoken to her for 18 months

My biggest crime ofcourse was marrying her beloved son!

My dh is soooo good in sporting me when it comes to my mil i think thats the only way we have lasted 10yrs. My fil(god rest his sole) wow if he was still alive we would be divorced and dd would never exsist.

I have talked it over with my DH and warned him that I plan to be blunt if MIL says anything offensive on Saturday at DS's birthday party - so he says, 'well I better warn her then' (I don't mind - it probably won't do any good anyway). Then I told him I was giving the PIL's a timeout and they wouldn't be seeing DS for 2 weeks after his birthday - he said that I can't do that because they mean well and can't be held accountable for their actions the same way I can't hold DS accountable for waking me up in the middle of the night. I told him that was ridiculous to compare a baby to a mature adult. Anyway, they will know shortly just how much they have pissed me off.

Thanks for all the posts and I certainly know I am not alone.

coddy, I've only just seen your post about Regensburg - I nearly had a long weekend there in December, a group of friends went over together (couldn't afford it in the end, and I was going to take DS1 who is doing German GCSE and he couldn't spare the time off school ) and they had a fantastic time visiting Christmas markets etc. I have a snowy postcard they sent me and it is beautiful. (She doesn't live in Regensburg but it's the nearest big town.)

AS, good luck with the ILs and the party. Maybe comparing them with the baby is quite accurate in terms of maturity!