Mother-in-Law rant - please join in

[AussieSim]

My 12mth old DS has eczema. It is not atopic, allergy, diet etc related and the most visible bits are on his face. He has had it for about 6mths and I regularly see a really good dermatologist and we are trying everything we can on it, but cortisone is the only thing that clears it up so far and you can't be putting that on constantly. The Dr says it is genetic and he will grow out of it within the next year or so. I have explained this to my MIL on every occasion she has brought it up.

Anyway today my MIL offered the following things I am doing that may be to blame which include:
(1) Still breastfeeding (2) Not changing the sheets on his bed often enough (3) Not keeping my floor clean enough (4) Not preparing every one of his meals from scratch from organic ingredients
On previous occasions she has also offered:
(5) Allowing him to put his thumb in his mouth while eating (6) Overfilling the spoon when I feed him (7) Not using a brand new face washer everytime I wash his face

Add to that that my PIL's blame me for DS not being able to walk yet - they say I pick him up too often (which I don't & DS happens to have been a premmie). Plus my FIL telling me today that DS has too many toys and that having such a variety of toys will prevent him from learning anything from them.

I had made a NY resolution to let them babysit DS more, but the angst that it causes me to have them lecture me may not be worth the bit of time to myself. I have no other family nearby so that puts me in a bit of a spot. Anyway, suggestions or just letting me know I am not alone might make me feel a bit better. Thanks.

Cant you just nod and smile?and then say - i really am douing a bad job with a grin on your face.

My parents go on like this - oh hes too cold too warm - has your mUmmy been starving you blar de blar, but its water off a ducks back

Had a laugh today as we went to hte dentist, mine and the dsses teeth are all ace and dh has awful teeth - wil make a note to mention this when see mIL

Oh and similarly My Mum goe on about dhs weight all the time. In the end my brother inlaw told her to shut it and it wasnone of her business one day ewhen we werent there, she never mentions it now.

I think his experession was "wind your beak in" LOL

Why don't you say what Bob Hawke said to the heckler in the shopping mall ......

But what a pain in the butt they sound (am I right in thinking you live in Germany now, is this overbearing interference culturally accepted? Would they get the hint if you ignored everything they said in water off a duck's back style?

If you rely on them to babysit it may be a case of having to grin and bear it and develop an inner mantra along the lines of 'mind your own business you old goat'. Or could DP have a word with them, you could play the foreigner card and let him tell them your 'otherness' makes you unable to tolerate their 'advice', IYSWIM

Sorry not to be of more help, but they do sound like persitent whingers and set in their ways.I'm sure one of the wiser MNers will have some more practical advice

bags of sympathy. Tempted to suggest you tell them to get lost. Not very constructive, I know, but I'm so fed up with getting this sort of thing from my own mum! Who suggested the reason my ds sleeps through was because I've been drugging him with my breastmilk. Grrrrrrrrr. (I do have to take regular medicine but went into this very thoroughly with specialists at regional centre for this condition before becoming pg, have checked with Hales, etc. etc. etc IT IS FINE MUM THANKS). I don't know how she can watch my ds, who never sits still for a second, and claim he's being doped!

Am I right in thinking that PIL are from Germany ? It is so hard when you have a cultural clash as well as being so far from your own family. However be assured that their comments though incredibly misguided are pretty universal and chances are no matter what you could say you would not win . They are talking C**P which I'm sure you already know, especially over the breastfeeding and hygiene. Frankly no floor is ever going to be clean enough for the mil and were your house to be spotless it would undoubtedly mean that ds was being neglected.

In Europe I see kids with far fewer opportunities to stretch their legs at a year than UK - no soft play areas, long walks tucked up in prams, smaller accommodation without gardens etc - and I would simply remind them that the average age to walk (Full term) is around 15 months. You could also counter the bfeeding argument with hard facts but whether it is worth your breath is up to you. Perhaps it would be helpful if your dh could point out at an opportune moment how hurtful you find some of their comments and that you are following sound medical advice.

You are doing well to have the patience to let them babysit but I'm sure the break justifies the angst. May be be seen to give in on some issues like being selective over toys more (when they are around) and saying that you have chosen certain ones, to distinguish colours or encourage his mobility say, although tbh such logic will go right over ds' head at this age ! at least then you would be seen to have taken something on board.

Sorry to ramble on. Good luck

Sorry, AussieSim, but your post did make me laugh. No wonder they piss you off. All I can do is tell you that of course the things you quote them saying are incredibly absurd, and hopefully you'll be able to laugh about it sometime in the future, too.

Can I offer a bit of advice? Get strict with them. Bristle visibly at criticism. Be short. make it subtly clear that you hold all the cards (ie access to the golden child) and it's your way or the highway. It works for me.
BTW IMO 12 months is a very early walker. But that's for your benefit not theirs.

Made me laugh too, AS - I'm sorry too, honest! - but as if anything could stop a baby walking when it wanted to!

I would react just like you in your position though. It's easy to say "don't let it get to you" but of course it does. (When dd1 was about 1½ my dad told me she had too many toys too - not even with a "reason" for saying it! It still rankles after 20 years!)

Maybe you can bring the comments on this thread to mind next time she does it and just smile sweetly, say nothing, don't mind her but think a lot? After all, you're in the country that thinks ham is OK for vegetarians!

Oh, thank god I don't have your in-laws! My floor is presently covered in muddy cat paw prints. I don't wash ds's face at all, I just splash it. He's 13mo and not walking- and not preemie. My parents reckon he has too many toys - then I left him with them for a couple of hours and they changed their minds. Have you tried dissolving into tears when they push it? Emotional blackmail? Yes. Does it work? Oh, yes!

Big sympathies, I have had similar problems. What does dh think? I always found that if dh said something it was listened to rather than ignored if I said it!

You do know they're talking a load of cr*p don't you?

Also agree with aloha, that's the only way that works for me too. LOL.

As my brother so succinctly puts it 'how many adults do you know who can't walk/feed themselves/go to the loo' because their parents failed to assist them in learning.

The kids are going to get there in the end.

Perhaps you could tell MIL that Doctor has suggested Exzma (sp?) is caused by transferred stress from you , your stress being caused by her ceaseless nagging.......

Don't get me started on MIL's (not that me and dp are married ). We aren't currently speaking to dp's dm & df, and hopefully never will again.
I've started now so i'll tell all.
When me and dp met, it was obvious they didn't like me. After 5 months I was pregnant, which they also didn't like. At 7 weeks pregnant I started bleeding heavily and spent a week in hospital but amazingly didn't miscarry. When I got out dp's mother came around and basically let rip, calling me all of the names under the sun and then attempted to punch me in the stomach. Luckily dp got in front of her. After that we didn't see her until dd was born and dp took her to see them. After a bit of persuasion i finaly let them start visiting again, even though they still made it clear that i wasnot liked and turned up at the most stupid times (bedtime).
When i was due to have ds3 we needed a new car but couldn't quite afford it so they lent us some (begrudgingly). God we never heard the end of it, and when we missed a months repayments because dp had been off work sick (doesn't get sick pay) they came round and really had a go, so i had a go back and told them to get out and never come back again.
I've told dp that he can visit them if he likes but i don't want them here again and i don't want them seeing thekids.

If they are German, it could be a cultural thing, as I get the same sort of thing off my own parents. It used to really get me down, I felt my efforts at Motherhood were constantly belittled. They never give me credit for anything, even though they never offered to babysit or help in any practical way when the boys were babies. They would visit once a week for an hour and thought that was enough. The whole of the visit would be one long stream of useless advice and criticism.
My DS's also had quite bad eczema at that age, my Mum used to constantly ask, "Are you sure your putting something on it"?? As if I'd let my children suffer !!!

It's only when I got very bad PND and refused to talk to my Mother on the phone, that DH had a real go at them and they finally layed off a bit.

However,my DS's are now 5yo and I still get it, the other day my Mum kept going on and on about them catching "colds" from walking on our ceramic tiles without slippers, and how we really should go out and buy carpets !!

My MIL on the otherhand is an absolute delight !!!

Poor you, nutty. There are some very strange parents out there. We won't be like that, will we?

No never. I'm not letting mine get married ever

oh yes it could be worse........................ They could live with you...
MIL lives with us and has done for 8yrs, all that time going on and on no babies no babies finally have one She is no help at all in fact gets quite jealous if dh spends too much time with dd and not her, never baby sits coz (she has depression) only saving grace is when she goes to Pakistan once a yr. Her daughters live near by will never go and stay with them (and they do offer bless)

And she is on her way back no she has been away for 2MONTHS ARHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Slink, does she live with you because Her Son is there?

We have banned my mil from ever having contact with us again! We did it in the summer, but she ignored us at Xmas time, and tried to send stuff to the kids. We told her no way, and she had a bit of a strop, but we stuck to our guns, saying that the kids were in full agreement with us (she tried to say they would hate us for it later), and that there would be plenty of charities who would love the things she had bought them. She is mad and spiteful, always causing dh heartache, so we decided not to let her poison affect the kids.

Oh my god Slink, poor you

Oh, pah! I made a similar NY resolution and then broke it yesterday because my ds had had a blood test and I didn't think going to see Lord of the Rings was a sufficiently good reason to leave him with PIL.

I have heard all these great suggestions from PIL about my own ds's eczema and they pee me off too. About a month ago my MIL said "have you changed your washing powder recently?" (he has had eczema for 10 months) I think a lot of the sound bites they are just repeating from other people.

My way of dealing with it was to say that I didn't want ds to constantly hear people talking about his eczema as I thought that could make him into a demanding and manipulative child. Of course that is the worst thing in the world, and so they now don't talk about it in front of him and I make sure I am never alone with them. Over the phone they don't wind me up so much. The down side of this is I can never ever moan about it myself to them. But I prefer to do that on Mumsnet anyway

Tons of sympathy for you AussieSim. I always thought my PIL were ok-ish until I was pregnant with ds1. They are a nightmare and did their best to make me feel like the crpest mother of all time after ds1 was born. While pregnant it was hinted to me that as I am vegetarian I was not geting all the nutrients to my baby and I should eat meat (the fact that FIL lives on pork and bread and is the most unhealthy excuse for a man you will ever meet, makes it even more of a joke)I was told by FIL that my sons colic was due to not breastfeeding properly(?!?!?) When my ds1 was 18months and I was pregnant with ds2, ds1 fell down the stairs at their house (MIL had decided that she would teach ds1 how to walk down stairs and was stood BEHIND him as he struggled at the top with no bannister to hold onto) While my ds1 was screaming and crying in pain, my MIL tried to grab him from out of my arms as I* was told by FIL that I was making too much fuss. (Ds1 had badly bruised face, arm, cut and swollen lip and eye and did not eat for 3 days due to pain of lip)
It goes on and on and on. I could rant for hours about all the c**p I have had to endure from them since ds1 was born. DH knows all this but is used to his parents and hence it all goes straight over his head, and was the cause of numerous rows between us in the early months after ds1 birth.
I, too make regular resolutions to be more 'forgiving' of them and involve them more with our sons but every time I try, something happens and I just think 'I can do without this' stress. While I think Grandparents play an important role in childrens lives I am not happy about leaving my sons in their care.
My ds1 had eczema as a baby also and got constant advice from them that eventually led to me just not bothering to tell them anything about what was going on in our lives as I could not and can not be bothered with the hassle I get.

....And now I've read the other posts, sympathies to all others with MIL and FIL problems!

Can I just say how brilliant my inlaws are.
I never used to get on wiith mIL until DD cme along. Now she comes up to see DD when she has a day off and FIL has looked after DD for us when I needed to go out and DP would not be home in time.

in defence of MILs I was never that close to mine before ds was born and was very close to my own mum. Now MIL is brilliant with ds and very supportive yet my mother constantly criticizes us... at least it's nice to have one mother on my side! PS of course I won't be an interfering mother in law myself... hmm, seem to remember that's what my (paternal) gran told my mum. Wrong!

There's an interesting common theme here: the dm/MIL generation seem to be crap with small children (mine included: both of them). My MIL had three, but if I didn't have proof I'd think she'd never been near a baby or small child. She doesn't have a clue. I'm starting to get really worried that something happens to you when you get older and you forget everything, including common sense. Maybe it'll happen to me and in 30 years time my dd/DIL's will be saying all this about me?!?! Oh god......