Hello Everybody
I have never posted a message before, but you all seem to give such good advice, I'm wondering if anybody could lend me an ear (and poke me in the right direction with a big stick!)
First of all, apologies as I think this is going to be a bit of a novel....
I have had a pretty shtty couple of years. I won't go into much detail, but it involves a lot of family bereavements and a terrible time with my two ex partners. As a result, I was left on my own, about 400 miles away from friends and family and four months pregnant.
I had a lot of hard thinking to do as to whether I could go through with the pregnancy but, for me, it was the best decision I ever made.
My DS who is now 3 is the best thing that has ever happened to me and since then, I have rarely had time to look back. So, from the time my DS' Dad left, until 4 weeks ago, it has always been just me and my (in my opinion!) beautiful DS. I have raised him on my own. It has been hard and lonely but he's been worth every second, as everybody feels about their child.
So there we were, happily plodding along when, about a year ago I got a new job. This is where I met DP. At the time he was in a long term relationship with a lady who had fallen pregnant after just 1 month of them being together. His DD is now 11 yrs. He never married her, but they were as good as married. It was also widely known that he was the victim of a violent relationship. His DP did not allow him to leave the house without her - not even to take his daughter to the park. She frequently verbally abused him in front of his family, threw his dinner (including plate) in his face, plus the 'usual' put downs, name calling, throwing him down the stairs -It's hard to believe it all when you see him -he's 6ft 3, but had lost a lot of weight due to the stress of it all.
DP and I work in a male dominated environment and it's all very macho. When he wasn't at work he had to get home by a set time (Usually half an hour after he finished and he lived 25 mins away from work) - or there was big trouble.
Therefore their was nobody he could really talk to - the other men would have taken the pi** about him being beaten up by a lady, etc, etc.
So, being the kind of person he is, he put up with all this because he adores his DD so much and he wanted to be with her and look after her, so it all seemed worth it.
I liked him from the moment I saw him, but I wouldn't have dreamt of interfering or getting involved and had no intention of being the other woman, through bitter experience of being the woman that is left behind when a partner decides to leave for somebody else, so we remained friends and he gradually opened up a bit to me and began to trust me.
It was hard to keep my feelings to myself but I think I did o.k.
Then DP's mum died suddenly. She was diagnosed with cancer in November last year and died just a few weeks later. This seemed to trigger something off in DP and he suddenly became unwilling to take anymore sht.
A few weeks later he had plucked up the courage to leave her. He said it would be better if his DD didn't see them arguing anymore. About a month later we finally got together. I offered him lots of time to be alone to get over things, but he said he didn't need it. He moved in with his Dad, where he still stays and this has worked out great as his Dad is glad of the company and extra support after a really awful time for both of them.
Since then, I'm afraid to say that we have been extremely happy together. Nobody at work knows yet, but I have just been made redundant and I'm leaving on Friday, so it won't matter as much if they find out then.
So here is the crux of my problem.....and I feel so awful and selfish about this, compared to what others are going through at this time, I've got nothing to moan about.......
DP's ex DP (hoping I'm getting my abreviations right here?!), does not know about us. She has a bit of a formidable reputation outside the home as well as inside so DP has said we won't tell her until she is used to them being apart and calmed down a bit.
I feel terrible and a bit like we are deceiving her, as she thinks DP is still single and I know if it was me, I would want to know the truth, but DP knows her best and this is how he would like to handle things.
DP has tried on several occasions to see his DD and these arrangements have been made and broken a thousand times. DP's ex has decided that she wants him back and is trying to change by all accounts, but she uses his DD as a pawn, saying 'you can see her if you move back in'. He always refuses and makes it clear that they are over, but then things just get worse.
DP's ex's obviously has a violent temper and she is also very manipulative. She will often wait until he's driven miles to see his DD and is knocking on the door before she changes her mind. She has also conviscated DD's phone so she can not contact her Dad and has even told DD that her Dad was killed in an accident!!!! There are no limits to what this lady will do, but DP puts up with it and will do ANYTHING to see his DD.
Last week he got a text and a couple of telephone calls inviting him to visit his DD. Of course he couldn't get round there quick enough, but when he got back home, he admitted to me that his ex had stripped naked and asked him to have sex with her. (When I heard I was so 
). If he didn't then he wouldn't get to see his DD again. He refused and left. Then he got the texts telling him his DD was heartbroken that he hadn't seen her, etc, etc. and DP was of course, completely gutted.
This week she is trying a new approach and has told DP that she doesn't want to fight anymore and that she is prepared to let DP see his DD 3 nights a week, plus a day at the weekend. DP was 
!
....This is the bit where you all start to fall out with me - I haven't said much, but since DP has not seen DD, we have become what I would describe as a little family unit and for the first time ever I have had complete love and support from a wonderful man, who is everything I have ever wanted in a person. He is a gentle giant, funny, intelligent.....I could go on but I'm feeling a bit queasy about all the cheese in this story, so you get the picture!!!
Most of all, he has been somebody for my DS to look up to. He has never had a male figure in his life before and he follows him around everywhere. DP treats us both with so much respect and consideration - I don't blame DP's ex for wanting him back.
So there's me, should be feeling the happiest I have ever felt, skipping to work through the daffodils, etc etc. and all I feel is that I'm a complete and utter selfish bitch because I should be happy that DP and DD will be together, but all I can think about is how little time will be left for me and DS. (it's a 50 min drive between DP's ex and my home). Feeling like this surely makes me just as bad as DP's ex? I just have an image in my head of DP's ex stripping off in front of him - even though she was on the scene long before me!!!
This is also completely irrational because DP leaves as soon as DD goes to bed, but DP's ex is a very cunning lady and I'm sure she'll think of something to make him stay later.
Incedently, DP's DD is absolutely gorgeous and a lovely little girl. I would happily go out with her and DS as a family, but this will never happen as DP's ex would never allow it.
I do trust DP and believe him when he says he loves me, but through my previous bad experiences I'm finding it really hard to not be insecure. I can feel myself getting uptight and emotional about it all the time and I know this will drive him away. I just want to spoil him for a while after everything that's happened to him, but instead I can't help asking questions about his ex, of which he really doesn't want to be reminded.
I feel so insecure and totally, totally selfish. Never had to deal with anything like this before. Whenever he goes quiet I think it's because he's thinking about her. He gets so down about not seeing DD and I hate seeing him like that, but I feel I'm constantly waiting for her to make her next move......Please help!!!! How can I calm down?
p.s. Hope you've not fallen asleep after this thread and I'd just like to point out for future reference that I'm not always this self centred - Thank you.
xxx