Really Feel Having a Baby is a Bad thing for her!!!

[Twinkie1]

Not sure how to start this but I could really do with some objective answers from people who dopn;t know the person I am talking about and people who have known people or know people who suffer with depression and have had children.

Before I had DS DP introduced me to one of his friends and this friends girlfriend - for the sake of this we can call them Steve and Lisa. Anyway thought Lisa was a bit weird but then most people are a bit sometimes but we went round there for dinner when I was pregnant with DS to find that the other couple they had invited couldn't have kids - made me feel awful but I really got on with this other lady and we talked about her miscarraiges and the baby that she went nearly to term with and lost and turned whet could have been an awkward situation into something ok - only thing that was bad was this Lisa saying how scared she is that she can't have kids - now there is no proof that she can't except for the fact that her mum had a son with either CP or CS and he died very soon after he was born - this Lisa turned the whole thing round to be about her worries (totally unfounded ones!!) about not being to have kids - it was awful and really upset this other lady and this Lisa was so wrapped up in herself that she didn't even realise what she was doing.

Anyway I thought it odd but we saw them a few times after and other than her being terribly highly strung she seemed ok except for the occassional over the top response if something bad happened in her life.

She then got pregnant last year and had a miscarraige at 8 weeks which she coped surprisingly well with - seemed completely normal and fime with it all when I saw her afterwards when she was with her DP.

Then we went to the gym one night as she wanted to get in shape and share my personal trainer - anyway afetr about 2 minutes of my PT weighing me and measuring me we looked round to see this Lisa in floods of tears and then she started screaming about how humiliating this all was and why did I put myself through it and I had well and truely set her up to feel really fat and unfit - I hadnlt I thought I was helping her - anyway after having a quick flit between slapping her (thats what I felt like doing) or leaving the session I decided to leave the session took her to a nearby pub and clamed her down - she was fine when she left me an hour later but I then found out that she had gone home in hysterics to her DP and told him that the Personal trainer started grabbing buts of her saying she was fat and needed to lose this and this and being really mean which was just bollocks!! - I couldn;t believe that anyone could just make stuff like that up and tell it to the one person in life that she should be totally honest with - her DP!!

Anyway I didn;t have much to do with her after that but she dropped in a while ago to tell me about their burglary - I really didn;t have much time for her as we had been burgled by the same people not long before and my take on it was me and DP and the kids are fimne and they took the car and smashed the window but hey ho it can be replaced - anyway she went on and on about it and not being able to leave the house but not wanting to go out because she didn't trust anyone (the guys had been caught by this stage) - and I had this overwhelming urge to get up and scream at her to get a fecking grip!! - I didn't but I said to DP I don;lt want to be her friend anymore bcause it just gets you down and compared to me she has had a great life but you have to get on with thinsg and I don't go around telling everyone what has happened to me!!!!

But I am getting married in July and Lisa and Steve are invited to the wedding (believe me if I knew what she was like I wouldn't have invited her!!) and she is coming away with me and loads of my mates on my hen to a european city (trying not to blow my cover if anyone knows me!!) but Saturday we had a night out for everyone who was coming to meet each other and everyone who couldn't come to come and have a drink with me. Anyway Lisa came and soon went into her tale of woe to one of my friends who had buried one of her friends on Wednesday and a girl who had had 5 miscarraiges and someone else who hasn't had a great time lately either!! She also had a go at another of my friends because she said she couldn;t be a SAHM like I am because she would end up going mad as she needs to get away from her baby sometimes - well Lisa said this was really offensive as some people havenlt had the cahce to decide whether to go to work or stay at home - my friend was really embarrassed!! - then she told all of my friends that I had told her she was too fat to dance on the tables (it is that sort of place - everyone does it) and too fat to have a baby. - I DID NOT SAY EITHER OF THOSE THINGS AND MY FRIENDS WERE HORRIFIED!!!! - but luckily they know what she is like. She then sat there with a face like thunder staring at me - one of my friends said it was almost like pure hate!!! and then started slagging off the food - its the sort of place you go for the crack and not the food and everyone knew that but the food was ok - fresh, unprocessed and I thought quite yummy after a couple of bottles of plonk!!! She then disappearedinto the loo where she stayed for ages (I suppose I should have gone to see if she was ok but I thought what the F it is my night out

She then rang me Sunday to say what a FABULOUS TIME she had and how she can;t wait to come away with us all!!

Anyway to cut a long story short I spoke to her DP yesterday and said that it is just not on that she makes these things up about me and tells lies to my friends at one of my hen nights and makes things up and I really feel that she has a problem with me and I am not going to stand for it and I spoke to him about it because I simply couldn;t trust her o not tell him that I had attacked her or something!!

Her DP said it is her depression that makes he convince herself that people have said things about her and I am just going to have to put up with it and learn to be more tolerant of what has happened to her. Thing is my life has been a million times more shit than hers but I feel that you just have to get on with thinsg - I've been on the edge once in the last 3 years and was inches away from topping myself but I didn;t so he can;t say I don;t know what she feels like but I did't go around telling every tom, dick and harry what was wrong in my life and some people I have met since have no idea of some of the horrid things I have been through!!

Anyway to cut a long story a bit shorter the thing that concerns me most is that they are trying for another baby and I really don't think it is a good idea - he seems to feel that it would give her something to concentrate on and help her get over her depression and I just and horrified that they are taking that chance - I mean the woman doesn't know fact from fiction and I really think in a way is a bit of an attention seeker - probably seems stupid but the thought of them taking the chance that a baby is going to cure her and not thinking about if it didn't work the implications for that baby/child - it astounds me really.

I just don;t know how she would act when after 9 months of everyone fussing around her people ignored her and cooed over the babay like they do - would she do anything to it or make things up again??

I probably have offended people who have had depression whilst writing this but I am not completely niave and her problems are much bigger than the depression but it is whather DP puts it all down to - I am just terrified that they have a babay and it goes totally wrong - she needs to be fixed before she has the babay as taking the chance that the baby is going to do it is just too big a chance to take IMO!!!

Am I right do you girls think???? - her DP thinks we should all just forget about things and go for a nice meal att he end of the day but I don;t even think I can do that!!!!

Unfortunately there are a lot of unsuitable parents and in the ideal world if only those who were not heroin addicts/abusers/single/under 21/living at home/skint/not married/not gay/not religious fanatics etc were to be permitted to have a baby then everything would be hunky dorey.

Your friend doesnt particuarly sound responsible nor level headed but I think the issue of whether she should get pregnant is not your concern and regardless of your feelings wont make a jot of difference to her actions.

I dont particularly see what benefit you get from this friendship and, as you point out, it is draining rather than uplifting. I think you would be wise to cut ties with this girl if you can bring yourself to do it. Her welfare is not your responsibility nor do you, according to her dp 'have to put up with it'.

I agree with Trifle. If we all say 'no way should she have a baby' what will you do? Go round and tell her? I think it sounds like a friendship not worth having tbh

I can see why you're upset. I would keep away from Steve and Lisa if I were you - they sound like utterly toxic friends. Have you talked to your partner about how you feel?

I agree that it is unlikely that a baby will solve all Lisa's problems, but it's not your problem. Unless you want to use the issue as a pretext for a major bust-up that will get Lisa and Steve out of your life, of course.

she sounds like a nightmare.

i'd un-invite her from the wedding if i were you - could be a disaster if she decides to have a 'moment'.

Sounds like a nutcase. But she also seems to be fairly transparent, ifswim. Any HV or midwife would be able to spot what she is likely fairly quickly and I doubt she'll get away with that kind of behaviour with med professions.

I would distance myself from her and disinvite her from the hen do. This will no doubt upset her and her dp, but so what? Better that than risk her spoiling your hen night and upsetting a load of people. I'd be honest with her too and say that she is upsetting people and these people are your friends, you have to look beyond her needs and at the needs of those closest to you.

I really would try to get as far away from this woman as possible!

Not only does she seem like a complete nightmare, but I find it v odd the way 'steve' seems to think he can tell you how you should put up with all this.
She may well be depressed, but she is also being indulged, almost encouraged, to behave like a hysterical spoilt child.

I would talk to you DP and explain just how awful she is to have around in company, and suggest that you cut down / out the foursome time, and he just sees 'steve' on his own.

If you can't bring yourself to tell her she can't come on the trip away, I would try and set some boundaries before you go, and next time she goes into one, tell her direct instead of talking to her DP. Tell her that you cannot suport her saying thigs that aren't true.

Maybe ask if she is getting help (AD's and or counselling) for her problems, and suggest it could give her some meaningful support?

My sister is very much like this. She couldn't get pregnant for a long time, she sulked when my brother's girlfriend got up the duff because she wanted to be the one to have the first grandchild because she reckoned first ones are always special. He had 3 girls so she really wanted to provide the first grandson, so when my other sister had a boy she was in tears again. Everytime someone got pregnant she never congratulated them, she just burst into tears and harped on and on about how she wished she could have kids.
She behaves like a spoilt brat, she is very immature and her dh panders to her every need. She embarrasses herself on regular occasions. She adopted 2 kids (how she managed that I'll never know because my secret opinion is that she isn't fit to be a mother), then she got pregnant and had a son with DS, of course that was a major tragedy too and she milked it for all it was worth. Then she had another healthy little boy. But she uses her kids as emotional crutches. She isn't quite as transparent as your friend in that she does suceed in making people feel sorry for her. She tells them that her family are shit and do nothing for her, despite the fact that when she had her son with DS I got on a train with my dd to visit her and stay overnight, I got all the info I could on DS, I contacted all the organisations I could and even told her about MN.

Now I hardly have anything to do with her so she can moan about me all she likes now!!!

Thanks all - she was on anti depressant pills but came off of them to try for a baby so takes nothing at the moment.

I do feel a lot of her problem is some sort of attention seeking disorder - she is fine if she is just with her DP or if she is galavanting off to the other side of the world for a great holiday - she exhibits none of the symptoms that I would associate with depression - or maybe some of them but its not just that I am sure of it.

I have spoken to DP about it and he feels sad that he will lose his friend but I am not the sort of person that could act happy for them if they told me they were expecting or even act happy if they started talking about it - TBH I really think I would have a bit of a rant and tell them that they are being fucking irresponsible taking the chance that the baby will cure her when it may not and may have dire consequences!!!

Thanks for the advice anyway - I may if I find her to be pregnant have a word with my HV who is a great friend and tell her of my concerns and ask her to try and keep a watch just in case - she may tell me to fuck off but it would make me feel better!!

This will make you laugh when I said to her that I had ben burgled too and I thought she was making a big deal out of it she said that it would effect someone like her a lot more just bcause they had more feelings and wasn't so hard hearted!!! - No love I am just fucking realistic and think that as long as DP the kids and I are ok things are really ok in the grand scheme of things!!! - I so had the urge to slam her up against the wall and yell at her to get a grip!! - Anyway enough of my outburst (or the one I wished I had had!!!)

Thanks all - will tell DP that I really don't want anything to do with tham and don;t want her at the wedding for fear pf ruining the day which I hope to god will be wonderful!!

Am fuming DP is hardly talking to me - he said that he feels I am being unduly harsh and could just let it go and wipe the slate clean!!!

He must be having a laugh I am not going to be friends with someone who behaves like that just to please him - I expect to be able to be honest with all my friends and know that if I were to her she would probably go and tell lies to her DP that I had said something I hadn't!!!

Why is she the one being mean and dishonest and a complete bitch and its me who is being told I need to get a grip and be nice!!!! She told lies about me to my friends FFS!!!!!

AAAARRRRGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!

I have only read the op.

I think you should just explain to your DP that you don't want to be friends with this girl or socialise with her. I would also have it out with her and uninvite her from your hen party.

When it come to her having a baby it really isn't any of your business what they do so if I were you I'd keep my nose right out of it.

BTW I am a mean selfish blunt person, but there you go, that's what I'd do.

I don't expect my DH to be buddies with all my friends, never mind their partners. You seem to have got into a bit of an all or nothing situation.

I think you have to sort out in your own mind what you want. Either she has acted so badly and you are so offended that you want to uninvite them from the wedding and cancel her invite to the hen party (and reimburse any money she has already spent on travel?) which will presumably result in neither of you seeing either of them again (which I would see as a result)or you still want to play a part in her life and monitor what kind of mother she is.

There are plenty of people in worse situations who have children and as Rhubarb says, a midwife and/or health visitor will spot her coming a mile away, particularly as they will have access to her medical history.