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Original poster

The 'No shit sherlock' MN all round guide to raising kids....your hints please?

50 replies

Blandmum · 19/04/2006 12:52

This is food, not a plaything, eat it! (TM Twiglett)

Do your homework, and if you don't I will not sign a note saying the dog ate it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Blandmum · 19/04/2006 14:40

If you act like a doormat, you will be used as one.

Life just isn't fair, learn it now and get on with things.

If kids are running riot, read them the riot act.

Put a lock on the bathroom door if you ever want a quiet crap without visitors.

OP posts:
Saggarmakersbottomknocker · 19/04/2006 14:41

Custy - you should write a book Grin You'd make a mint!

Original poster
Blandmum · 19/04/2006 14:41

Custy....a I think a sausage roll in a pram would look really cute with a bonnet on Grin

OP posts:
Tortington · 19/04/2006 14:42

lmfao MB now now - dont tek piss out of my english!

Original poster
Blandmum · 19/04/2006 14:42

I know, I've got a right nerve! Grin

OP posts:
edam · 19/04/2006 14:43

If you want them to say 'please', 'thank you' and 'sorry', you have to say it to them.

If they ever go quiet when they are out of sight, you have a choice. You can either give a sigh of relief and settle down with a good book/glass of wine/call your best friend. Or you can investigate and discover that they are crayoning all over the wall/ experimenting with your make-up/feeding the cat the stuff you were planning to cook for dinner.

Go with the glass of wine, at least you'll be more relaxed about cleaning up!

frogs · 19/04/2006 14:49

Here's your food, eat it or go hungry.

The reason you have to empty the dishwasher/hang up the laundry/sweep the kitchen floor is because it someone has to do it, and I don't see why it should always be me.

The more helpful and considerate you are, the more likely I am to look favourably on requests to have your friends to tea.

New clothes are what you get when your cousins come to visit with a black sack full of cast-offs. The mini-boden catalogue exists purely to provide material for cutting and sticking practice, as do all toy catalogues.

Because I'm bigger than you, and I say so.

suzywong · 19/04/2006 14:51

Getting an under 3 to say "sorry" is not the solution to a hitting/biting/snatching problem

They need to be watched and you need to be damn quick on your feet at the playgroup to apprehend.

ANd never hold your newborn naked up to admire whilst wearing a white brodrie anglaise nighty and gown. Curry sauce coloured poo doesn't come out of that fabric even with napisan

snowleopard · 19/04/2006 14:55

Um, don't sweat the small stuff? I don't know much, I'm still fairly new to this but I do not intend to be like my crazy neighbour who screams furiously at her kids for getting dirt on their socks when they are playing in the garden!

Rhubarb · 19/04/2006 14:57

Use the fecking telly! That's what it's there for!!!!!

Blackduck · 19/04/2006 14:57

In the words of the song 'You can't always get what you want...'
They won't starve themselves (my mum...)
Living on a diet of pasta won't kill them

Blackduck · 19/04/2006 15:01

Going to bed in the t-shirt they have worn all day is not a hanging offence (I'm not fighting to change a sleeping 3 year old...)

jura · 19/04/2006 15:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twiglett · 19/04/2006 15:02

ooooo I'm trademarked, I'm trademarked

teach small children to believe all cats are russian .. in that way 'bogorov cat' doesn't sound so very bad (say it outloud)

Rhubarb · 19/04/2006 15:35

DON'T DO SEPARATE MEALS FOR YOUR KIDS! Or humour any food folly of theirs such as wanting different coloured food, or making faces with on their plates to get them to eat, anything like that. Kids won't starve, if they don't eat what you've given them THEY GET NOWT!

JoolsToo · 19/04/2006 15:41

don't ask youngsters 'do you feel ill?' they instantly will.
don't ask them the variety of jam they'd like on a butty just give em one or you'll be there all day.
don't 'discuss or cajole' them into trying on those new shoes, just grab their foot and shove it in - or you'll be there all day.

Tortington · 19/04/2006 15:52

when they fall and look at their own blood in abject horror state ludly " I'VE SEEN BIGGER CUTS ON MI ARSE!"

This does two things - lets them know that

  1. your an unsympathetic parent
  2. makes them smile even when they dont want to becuase you said ARSE
Original poster
Blandmum · 19/04/2006 15:54

Custy, my gran always used to say, of any injury or ailment, 'Oh don't worry, it is far enough away from your arse'. Grin

OP posts:
Mirage · 19/04/2006 20:55

You don't need to scream just because your sister touched something of yours.

Sticky hands won't kill you.

When you stand there with that expression on your face,I know that you are doing a poo,despite you denying it.

No-one gets up before 7am unless there is something wrong.Any time prior to 7 is still night & you should still be in bed.

HenniPenni · 19/04/2006 22:44

Just cos it's raining is not an excuse to go to school in the car. Anyway it is quicker to walk. (this is for all parents who don't like getting their hair wet!)

Tortington · 20/04/2006 00:08

dont buy it if it takes batteries.
if granny buys it and it takes batteries let it stay at her house.

anything that bangs. clahes, plays music - stays at grannies.

and another one

your house is never going to be as precious as your memories. so get over yourself , have a good time with your kids and fuckt he tidying up for the next 6 years

Mytwopenceworth · 20/04/2006 00:45

Take a deep breath. Relax.

slug · 20/04/2006 10:46

A happy child is far more important than a clean house. (My mother's moto, I live by it).

I give you two, and only two, options for your dinner. This is to allow you some control over your life. If you take too long choosing or reject both options then you will get what I make you, nothing else. There is no point in having a tantrum if you then change your mind. You will eat what you're given and be thankful.

Mummy loves you, and part of that loving is teaching you how to do things for yourself. If you do not learn to cook and clean up after yourself you will end up a useless adult and will have to be retrained by your spouse. I had to do that with your daddy, it took a long time.

No means No. It does not mean go and try and negotiate with your father.

Tortington · 20/04/2006 22:50

if you stay with them when they go tosleep - its really good 121 time where they get your undivided attention and love - even when you are pretending to ignore them - they know they have you.

why then would they ever want to sleep on their own?

why put a computer, tv dvd in a kids room then wonder why they never sleep?

Tortington · 21/04/2006 08:41

dont just hand over money to a teenager then wonder how they managed to get shit faced or stoned.

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