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Original poster

Situation with neighbour and DS2 screaming, what would you do?

31 replies

MrsSpoon · 18/04/2006 20:02

We were all due to go out somewhere this evening and DS2 (aged almost 4) was playing up big time, decided at the last minute (probably my mistake that he didn't have enough warning) that he was tired and DS2 and I would stay behind.

Cue massive tantrum!

DS2 screaming "I want my Daddy, I want my Daddy" on and on and on, not listening to me at all, me having to shout over him ridiculous situation. I decided to leave him to it and sit downstairs until he had calmed down enough to talk to him. The screaming went on a good 20 mins or more (DS2 is very stubborn at times) when the doorbell went twice in rapid succession and then the door got rapped loudly. I went to the door to see my next door neighbour standing there (Victorian-semi so not paper thin walls, you shouldn't really hear much of your neighbour's noise through them). He asked if my DH was in, I said "No", he then said that he could hear DS2 screaming, could hear him saying "I want my Daddy, I want my Daddy" and he couldn't stand it anymore it is breaking his heart, he wondered if everything was OK. I explained that DH and DS1 had gone out, we were all due to go out but DS2 had been acting up and I decided to keep him at home hence the tantrum. He said again that it was upsetting him and asked me if I had locked him in his room Shock, to which I said "no, in fact I don't think he is in his room anymore anyway, I think he is on the landing now but he has to calm down and that I have tried and failed to get him to stop screaming". He repeated that he couldn't stand it and wondered if he was OK to which I conceded I would go up and see him again. Of course I ended up pandering to DS2 a bit but did manage to calm him, think this was mostly because he was calming down himself prior to the neighbour calling. Of course neighbour will now think that DS2 calmed down because he came to the door and I went up to see to him. Angry

My question really is should I write a note to the neighbour, something along the lines of:-

Sorry we disturbed you this evening, DS2 was overtired and very upset and angry that his Daddy went out without him. I can assure you the crying distressed me too to the point I had a good cry after he was settled. However I felt I had no other option but to leave him to calm down a bit and was trying to follow the advice given by the childcare gurus in dealing with this sort of situation.

Sorry again.

Actually when I read it it sounds a bit lame, so open to further suggestions.

As a side note however I have had an evening disturbed by this neighbour as someone called at my door to tell me he was lying in his vestibule, did I know him and did I think he was OK, he then came to and we realised he was lying in a pool of urine, although there may be other reasons for this I think he is a drinker, although one with a very respectable front IYKWIM.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSpoon · 18/04/2006 20:02

Blimey, sorry it's a bit long.

OP posts:
busybusybee · 18/04/2006 20:08

Hmmmmmm - At first I thought "yes write a note"

Then changed my mind and thought "Nah let him think what he wants to think!!"

Currently still thinking the second - but would probably in the end write the not anyway!!!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 18/04/2006 20:11

Dont give him a second thought.

Original poster
MrsSpoon · 18/04/2006 20:11

If I write the note does the wording sound OK?

OP posts:
DumbledoresGirl · 18/04/2006 20:12

I wouldn't write a note. I think you explained yourself adequately when he called.

bourneville · 18/04/2006 20:13

what a horrible situation.
I too had thought yes write a note, it sounded like the neighbour was genuinely concerned etc and presumably has no kids of his own so wouldn't know that that's what has to happen sometimes! (leaving kid screaming to calm down i mean)
But then your last paragraph made me think sod him! Grin

on third thoughts, i do worry about what other people think so i probably would write a note, or even knock on the door and explain myself but i don't honestly think that's necessary. I suppose it's reassuring that you have a neighbour who is willing to check things are ok, rather than turning a blind eye/deaf ear, though most of us would rather not have anyone interfering!

Twinkie1 · 18/04/2006 20:14

I would go along the lines of WTF has it got to do with him!!!!

Original poster
MrsSpoon · 18/04/2006 20:16

He does have kids (3 I think), although they are all grown up now and has at least five grandchildren, ranging between a year and seven.

I think it's more a question of him thinking I was doing something cruel to DS2 that is upsetting me. Perhaps I should pass the buck to DH when he gets home ...

OP posts:
bourneville · 18/04/2006 20:17

Yeah MrsSpoon that's what i meant when i said i would be worrying about what other people think (him thinking you were being cruel).

chipkid · 18/04/2006 20:18

Probably not very helpful but if I wrote a note it would be along the lines of

"mind your own f*ing business etc " (but I am a bit cross today)

I think he was out of order for persisting with this after you explained that your son was having a tantrum-I think you did exactly the right thing with ds2 FWIW.

If you do write a note I would point out that if you donot allow these tantrums to work themselves out he'll have to listen to 4o minutes of it the next time

poor you having to deal with this

wordgirl · 18/04/2006 20:19

I'd say you don't need to justify yourself but if it would make you feel better then the note is fine

Original poster
MrsSpoon · 18/04/2006 20:22

LOL chipkid! Grin That note might be a bit counterproductive to future neighbourly relationships. GrinWink

Good point about stating that the tantrums have to work themselves out or they will be longer next time.

This makes me think wistfully of my lovely neighbours I left behind in the flats we lived in prior to this. Lovely couple downstairs who never complained once about DS1's constant running up and down the corridor or his screaming/tantruming and yet were not aloof or unconcerned about his welfare.

OP posts:
Aero · 18/04/2006 20:30

Agree with wordgirl.

Better to have someone knock and check though out of concern when there is nothing to be concerned about than have a child in need ignored when there is something to be concerned about iyswim.

Children have tantrums though - my ds2 would be much the same in this situation and he's only two - heaven only knows what he'll be like in a couple of years - I'll probably have someone from halfway down the street knock as he screams so loudly when things aren't pleasing him!!

Thank him for his concern, but nothing could be done as your ds needed to calm himself down in his own way.

Original poster
MrsSpoon · 18/04/2006 20:31

Have written a note but think I will run it/the whole idea past DH when he comes back before putting it through his door.

Ooooh, that man has spoiled my evening! Angry

OP posts:
Caligula · 18/04/2006 20:31

I would photocopy a description of how to leave a child screaming from a toddler taming book or from the internet (maybe the BBC has one under the Little Angels site or somethign?) and enclose it with a short note saying "thank you for your concern, it was very neighbourly of you to come over, I enclose a step by step description of how to deal with tantruming toddlers with the reasoning behind it. I know a toddler screaming for half an hour is a horrible noise, but I hope the enclosed will explain to you why it's sometimes necessary".

Keep your explanations to a minimum, let the experts do your talking for you. If he wants to argue with Tanya Byron or Christopher Green, let him!

Tamz77 · 18/04/2006 20:47

I wouldn't bother with a note at all. I can understand the guy knocking on your door if he suspected that your ds was being terrorised by a dodgy babysitter or something while you and dh were out. However as soon as you answered the door he shoud have just explained and then left you to it. You knew your ds was fine; why would you let some weirdo neighbour you hardly know stand on your doorstep and make you go up and check on ds when you knew already what and why he was screaming?

NotAnOtter · 18/04/2006 20:51

no note - we have all been there! have a drink and chill ...he is out of order!

CHICagoMUM · 18/04/2006 20:53

I wouldn't get too worked up about it. Next time you see him just casually thank him for his concern and jokingly make some remark along the lines of "I bet you're glad your's are all grown up and you don't have to endure those major tantrums" etc.

morningpaper · 18/04/2006 21:03

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LucyJones · 18/04/2006 21:06

I think it was really nice of him to come and see if everything was okay and a note is a lovely idea

nooka · 18/04/2006 21:22

I'm with ChicagoMum, I think that a brief chat is the best way ahead. I'd rather have a concerned neighbour than an oblivious one, and he may just have been a bit embarrassed about what to do next having knocked on the door and found that nothing was wrong. I remember a time when I wasn't well and my dd (very little) screamed and screamed and I was going around the bend. A day or so later my upstairs neighbour asked if anything had been wrong. I would have loved him to have come down at the time and help me.

Original poster
MrsSpoon · 18/04/2006 21:53

DH back and I am feeling a bit better about all this. He has looked at the note and thinks best not to bother. I am thinking the worst he might do is phone Social Services who I am sure would understand what I was trying to achieve (I would hope anyway).

To be honest the most accurate description of this neighbour is an a*se, although to be honest that is why I am so concerned about how best to proceed. He is not a stop to chat type of guy.

To give an example he had to take a delivery for me from my Next Directory a few weeks back and when he passed the bags on to my DH he said "There were seven! Seven bags! Not that I mind". Arrrgh!

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsSpoon · 18/04/2006 21:55

Meant to say, thanks for all your comments and advice it was nice just to be able to talk it through before DH came home, I might revisit the note idea in the morning if the horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach hasn't gone away.

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desperateSCOUSEstrife · 18/04/2006 21:57

havent read all the thread but
I would leave him to it
you dont have to explain nada to any of your neighbours

beckybrastraps · 18/04/2006 21:57

Might he have been a bit drunk when he came round? He may well wake up tomorrow mortified that he made a fool of himself. Which he did.