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Original poster

motherinferior i need advice

10 replies

SHIREENSMOM · 11/01/2004 19:27

its me again shireensmom formaly nikki_19. i need your advice on something as you have been very helpfull before as you no my boyfriend is pakistani muslin although lived in england all his life his family are very strict i havent meet them or they havent meet our dd because of there ignorence. they have all ways pressured him into having a arranged marrage but for the past 6 months they have really started to go on about it (because they have planned to go there in febuary this year) and they want him to go and get married he said he doesnt want to but he doesnt want his mom to be upset and he wants the nagging to stop i allready told him if he getsmarried i wont atay with him cause i dont think its write to be with 2 people with is normal too me but not to them what shall i do as you no our life is very hard cause of the caulture differences, should i let him go so he can have a happy life with his family or should i be selfish and make him stay with me? please help me if i give you my emal add will you email me because some people seem to think im a troll .nikkixxxx

OP posts:

stupidgirl · 11/01/2004 20:01

I don't know whether you want anyone elses opinion on this, but I'm going to give you mine anyway.

You can't make him stay. If you pressure him to stay when it;s not what he wants then he will only end up resenting you. And then you will all end up miserable.

Hard as it is, you're going to have to let him make up his own mind about this. If he stays you'll know it's because he really wants to be with you and is prepared to work at the problems. If he goes then you have to accept that it probably wouldn't have worked out anyway. Whatever happens, it will work out for the best, one way or another, sometimes it takes a while to realise that.

If you want to chat please feel free to email me. If nothing else then I can listen. Best wishes.

motherinferior · 12/01/2004 08:52

Nikki, I'm really touched you want my advice, but I'm quite scared too because this is a big issue and I think it would be a good idea to post it more widely because other people here have also had stuff like arranged marriages to deal with. I personally think you have to make it clear what you will and what you won't put up with. I can't quite see how he sees a marriage working out - surely he'd be living with his wife, and involved with family stuff? But he's already living with you (isn't he still?) and you have a daughter.

I don't think making your views plain is 'making him stay'. I'm not sure what else you can do short of being a complete doormat.

Please do post this as a new question because I'm sure other people's views will be valuable as well. And I don't think anyone suspects you are a troll - one person wondered, and only because your first ever post was very short and we couldn't quite work out what it was about. So do ask. There are several Asian mumsnetters and also lots of other people who've dealt with plenty of sh*t. But that's my view. Let's see what other people say...

WideWebWitch · 12/01/2004 09:44

Shireensmum, Hi. Can't type much as baby on my lap but will post what I can. Presumably if it wasn't for his mum and family pressure he would want to be with you, wouldn't he? If this is the case then IMO he should stay with you and your daughter. In other words, I think love should over-ride tradition and family pressure. If he wants to be with you and your dd then you are not selfish if you tell him this and ask him to stay with you. Does he want to marry you? I mean, would he, were he 'allowed' to? If so, I'd say getting married could be a solution since it will show his family that he is serious about you. What have they said they will do if he doesn't go for an arranged marriage though? If they've said they'll disown him and never speak to him again then I do understand that this makes it a very hard decision for both of you. I don't know how strict they are or whether they would actually go through with this either if it is the threat - maybe they don't even know themselves?

I met and had a ds with a British Indian man (my now ex dh). His family are Hindu and also wanted him to have an arranged marriage if possible. He never had any intention of doing so but was still worried about telling them about us - he only told them about me when I was 6 months pregnant. They had threatened to disown him were he to marry an English girl (which I am) but in the event his mother couldn't resist a grandson and came to meet ds and me for the first time the day after he was born. Ex dh and I then married when our ds was 3 months old and only the women in dh's family attended as the men were showing solidarity with dh's father, who wanted nothing to do with dh or any of us. Anyway, there was a sort of happy ending, as far as this goes anyway, as his dad and the rest of the family did come round after 6 months or so and for the rest of our marriage I had an excellent relationship with my MIL and a good one with the rest of of DH's family. Still do, actually. They accepted that I was his wife and now they accept that I'm his ex wife and the mother of his son. DH and I split up (but NOT due to cultural differences - there weren't any, he's British born and considers himself a Londoner! but I'm very sick of people who don't know me assuming this or suggesting it actually) and we are now very good friends. So although our marriage didn't work out, for lots of reasons, his family did come round. A lot of this was due to dh's wonderful mother though,who was prepared to defy her husband in order to meet her grandson. A lot of Indian women wouldn't have done. So I suppose I'm saying that it does sometimes work out and doesn't always mean being cut off from your family but every family is different and I can't know how your dp's parents will react. I do feel for you and I hope something in here helps. (baby asleep btw in case you're wondering!)

fio2 · 12/01/2004 10:11

Shireensmom, this must be absolutely awful for you I really cannot see how he is contemplating it when you have a daughter together. He must be under so much pressure from his family to have an arranged marriage if he is even considering it. Does his family know about you and your daughter, and still want him to marry someone else? This is so sad. I dont think you are being selfish at all. Just hope it could end happier like in www's case. Lots of Love xxx

Original poster

SHIREENSMOM · 12/01/2004 17:26

motherinferior than you and everyone else, well last night we sat down and talked for hours and houre and he really doent want to get married but i gave in and said i will stay with him he is going on feb the 14th, i asked him to say no but he said his family will completely disown him i cant live wiyh thay guilt i dont have any famliy and i dont want him to be the same as me. its going to completely brake my heart all day ive been crying dd must thing im mad. i love him and dd more than anythink in the world they are all i have, his mom said once he is married she will come over here in bout 3 months and she will stay with her bacause aparently she needs looking after. when he goes i dont no what im going to do i no in the back of my mind that this will end up splitting us up soon but i need him hes all i have i wich my mom was here to give me a cuddle.

OP posts:

Original poster

SHIREENSMOM · 12/01/2004 17:35

yeh he does live with me hes goingf to pakistan for 2 weeks gettin married then coming back but i dont think i can cope with him marrying someone else he even has to leave his job just to go there but his mom is so selfish she only cares about her self i really hate her for what she has done to me and dd

OP posts:

dinosaur · 12/01/2004 17:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

aloha · 12/01/2004 19:12

Shireensmom, it's not his mother doing this to you, it's him. The only person marrying another woman is him. He's an adult and he can make choices. If he marries someone else and lives with her then that makes you the 'other woman' which isn't a position I would recommend to anyone. I think he's a coward and that you and your daughter deserve better, frankly.

motherinferior · 12/01/2004 19:38

Well, Nikki - seems pretty definite, doesn't it; we all feel you AREN'T being out of order - he is.

I actually don't believe that his wife wouldn't be living with him. My guess is she'll come over and live in the family home and he'll be expected to join her.

Say what you'll put up with.

And beyond that, can you find some other things to do/people to see? Because it's worrying that he and your dd are all you have. It means he can put you in this horrible situation because you don't feel you've got an alternative.

What would he do if you said right mate, that's it I'm off? Just asking...

Original poster

SHIREENSMOM · 12/01/2004 22:25

fio2 no his family no about me and our dd but they dont want anythink to do with us

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