hi prufrock and jimjams
thank you for your comments. i have left this thread alone for a few days as it would have been a bit difficult for me to have continued the discussion without admitting i am pregnant - which is a major factor in why i am thinking about our options now.
some interesting points.
first of all, i don't think it is particularly unreasonable of dh to express a preference for where we live!
imagine if a mumsnetter posted on "am i being unreasonable no. 453"....
"my dh earns 80% of the household income and our outgoings are based on his salary. he's decided he's sick of it and has told me he's resigning and that it's my turn to pay the bills out of my badly paid public sector job. oh and he's telling me we have to move out of london even though i really don't want to go. i'm a bit pissed off with him - am i being unreasonable?" PMSL mumsnetters would be heaping abuse on this selfish monster!
in terms of moving out, the places i've looked at so far have been just as expensive as where we are now (e.g. tunbridge wells, st albans, guildford). i'm prepared to widen the search - bishop's stortford looks nice good state schools would be a sine qua non - and everyone knows what that does to house prices.
i'm not sure we could count on saving commuting costs either - dh would still need a car and possibly we would need to run another - or i could end up very isolated. obviously it would be something to consider in making the move.
we'd be prepared to move further afield, but only if there was a job for dh. as i said below, in academia, you can't rely on a job coming up because you fancy moving. it is one of the many miserable features of academic life that it is not unusual for academic staff to commute hundreds of miles.
i'd be happy to live on less than we have now, but remember, i am the main earner in our household. Pupuce is the only person I know who has been the main earner and has taken such a drastic course of action, and it was a forced move in her case.
Cutting out ready meals etc is not the issue for us if i give up work - the issue would be living on a third less than the average london salary (based on our current situation). living on less is one thing, but my worry would be having absolutely no contingency for, say, major repairs to the house. our income would not allow for any but the smallest monthly saving.
of course there are many, many people in london managing on much less - but many of them are not doing it from choice, and i don't think it is unreasonable to think (a lot more often than) twice about deliberately placing our family in that position.
And of course the final thing to consider is the very real consequences of giving up work. what if i hated it? there's the fear of loss of status etc. that the financial loss would be permanent. that the opportunities for the children would be much less. that we could actually do with a bit more space atm!
anyway, that's enough from me for now. i don't mean to be argumentative. this subject is really on my mind at the moment and it helps to write things down and mull them over at the same time.